So we all hear it. The comparisons of parenting when we were kids compared to the parenting now. The accusations of overprotecting or coddling of our little stinky treasures. Many of us have memories about bolting out the front door after breakfast and coming home when the street lights came on. I remember being as young as five running out the gate of our backyard and heading off to the playground that sat decaying in the middle of the townhouse complex called RoyalTown(which was neither Royal nor a town, discuss) where we lived.
My mother would open the back door and yell my name and, after ignoring her until banshee status, I came running home for lunch (tomato soup and grilled cheese) or dinner (ketchup slathered meatloaf). Admittedly, the playground was within banshee yelling distance, but it was still far enough away that looking back, I know we would never let Tasman, age five, to go off and explore and play without one of us saddled right next to him.
I stay very close to him:
I get that times have changed. Riding in the back window on road trips while playing I spy with parents huffing smokes in the front seat is no longer accepted as the norm. But have the risks of potential tragedy increased over the last 30-40 years to warrant our increased diligence about the safety of our children? Or are we just better parents? Or are we just overwhelmed by the weight of available information?
We recently released the tether a bit with Hudson, aged nine and a half, and let him walk to the grocery store by himself. We did this for a couple of reasons, one to offer Hud a lightning bolt of self confidence which he sorely needs and two, I needed a French stick. Yes I was terrified even though the grocery store is right around the corner. Yes I questioned my parenting skills even though I mentally weighed all possible scenarios methodically and common sense still came up the winner.
My 19 parents (facetious yes, but as a child of divorce, I have many sets) constantly remind me of the freedoms they afforded my sister and me growing up. I remember this freedom, the latch key kid status in grade four (Hudson’s grade) and most of my friends were in the same situation. We got in trouble sure, but still made it home for dinner, did our homework, laughed at Jack Tripper down at the Regal Beagle and and went to bed.
I have no answers for this(or for any other parental conundrum, I am admittedly a complete and utter doofus). I do know that Hud glowed when afforded this tiny piece of responsibility.
This is him glowing:
We never forget about the tail risk, but we will continue to release more of the tether with him and with Tasman when he reaches an acceptable age.
But what is that age? And what freedoms are appropriate?
The more I talk to parents with children similar in age to mine (9 and 7), the more I hear about allowing some freedom like walking or biking to the store, school, park, etc. with each other or with friends. I think we and our children are ready but we’re so afraid of what others will think (justifiably, apparently, in some cases) that we just don’t allow it. We need to stick together as parents and support one another – and each others’ children – in developing this very needed sense of responsibility and self reliance. You and your child know when it’s time. Trust that, and be proud that you are teaching your kids an essential skill.
So I made it here in time today! LOL
My two children ages 8 & 9 have been walking to school with each other or a friend for the past year. Over the summer I even afforded them the pleasure of going to the park together (GASP!) Like yourself I grew up in Toronto and remember playing in the park set in the middle of the townhouse complex I lived in – ALONE at age 6 & 7. My older siblings and I would play hide and seek until our own banshee call – typically when the street lights came on.
I too have a 5 year old – only mine is a wholly terror and he has chosen to wander off on his own several times to be like his older siblings -this wasn’t my doing just his own doing (sigh). He scares the hell out of me, but so far he has been fine and has come home with tons of stories (he has usually just gone up the street to neighbours houses).
There is much more knowledge now a days but I do think it has our children’s generation of having a whole lot less freedom which is a shame.
Thanks Jen for your feedback and tales – hard to know what you are doing is right when others are so convinced you are wrong.
And thankfully, the boys take after their mother.
Oh, and btw, you have two very handsome boys!
My 7 y/o sister and my 5 y/o self would bike a mile to school every day on our own. We never thought twice about it. We did know there were risks but they were slim. We would race past the “witches” house and always knew where the Block Parent homes of people we knew were located. And on a few occasions, when things didn’t feel quite right and we were scared (or we had to pee desperately), we would knock on those doors. In those days I felt much more like it was about community – “It takes a village” afterall.
But now I think people are so focused on their fear that they don’t see the downside. Our children can’t accomplish anything on their own or learn from their mistakes if we don’t give them the opportunity.
My son started to walk to school on his own at the end of grade 3. He was 8. I can not tell you the uproar and judgment from other parents! We live a block from the school. He is now nearly 13 and confidently gets himself up in the morning, makes his lunch, eats his breakfast, gets to school, joins teams, does his homework, hangs with his friends all on his own. I trust him because I know he is capable. How would I know this if he had never practiced? How would he?
My daughter is in grade 3 and walks to school with a friend. She goes to the park with her pals and down to the ice cream store. She is learning too about how capable she is.
Once when my kids were 7 and 11 a “friend” saw them scootering (without helmets – GASP!) to the store alone. They were confidently crossing streets as my son would impatiently wait up for his slower but very eager little sister. My “friend” and her “friends” were so appalled that they cornered me and asked what Children’s Aid would think. I couldn’t believe it! I may as well have been beating them or leaving them alone for days or neglecting to feed them. When all I was doing was responding to THEM. They had asked, assured me they were ready and would be safe. It was time. Plus, I really think Children’s Aid has bigger things to worry about.
I feel sad for kids who have been so coddled and won’t know how to take care of themselves in the Big Bad World. They will always be looking for someone to “help” and won’t have the confidence or experience to stand on their own two feet.
It is scary to let our kids grow up and trust that they will be OK. But that is our job.
I think about this all the time. I rode city buses and stayed home after school until parents arrived from work… all that stuff. I think the thing is, it was more of the norm in those days. Now, if I see an eight or nine year old walking around someplace, I’m looking forward and back, wondering where his/her parents are, and hoping I’m the only one who’s noticed… though, I realise there probably aren’t pedophiles and boogeymen standing on every corner, just waiting to pounce on some lone child – that’s ridiculous.
I think it’s great that you let him go to the store by himself. Didn’t we all at that age? I certainly did… but I feel the tightness in my belly at the thought of letting my son do the same, even though he’s a responsible kid, who knows our neighbourhood well. Le sigh. This job is haaaaard.
I don’t know the age but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t running around the neighbourhood at 5 yrs. More like 9 or 10 I’m pretty sure. Although I did start escaping the house in the dawn hours at the age of 4 or 5 and my parents were suitably terrified.
Sounds like Hud handled the responsibility, and that all of you were ready for it.
Data shows that things have not gotten worse over the past few decades.
Thank you for using me (as opposed to I) properly. Sigh. That made my day. I’m not being self-righteous, just thankful.