I knew that my time as a father would be filled with gross moments that would test my gag reflex. Well, tonight I was pushed to the limit. And I survived. Barely.
We enter this scene with my little Pea gleefully taking a bath. She’s imploring her bath time friends to take their spots for circle time, so she can tell them a wonderful story about her day.
Also in the bathroom is me, Pea’s father. I am gathering her towel and pyjamas, and preparing myself for the imminent power struggle that would arise when I advise Pea that bath time is over.
I step out of the bathroom and go into the next room to grab Pea’s pyjamas. Just before I leave, Pea lets out a tiny fart, which bubbles to the surface. She giggles, and I ask her to excuse herself. She does, and all is right in the world.
I step out of the bathroom for 2 seconds, and armageddon begins.
As I walk back in the bathroom, Pea is cowering in the corner of the bathtub. Floating perilously close to her is a fairly sizeable piece of poo. Another chunk is floating off in the distance. Pea has, quite literally, dropped her “kids” off at the “pool.”
I quickly grab her, put her on the bathroom floor and wrap her in her towel.
Sensing the need to address this situation, I start with the obvious.
Me: That’s a piece of poo.Pea: (Silent.)Me: Did that scare you Pea?Pea: Yeah.Me: Did you think you were going to fart and then the poo came out?Pea: Yeah.Me: That’s OK sweetheart, it was an accident. It happens to Daddy all the time too.Pea: Ok.
Our first priority was to get Pea into the shower in our en-suite so no pieces of poo could infect her lady bits. Once that was taken care of, I was faced with the task of waste disposal.
My wife suggested I simply let the bathtub drain and take the chunks out with a paper towel. As somewhat of a poo expert, I could see that these pieces would potentially cause damage to the drain if I didn’t deal with it immediately. I could also imagine what it would have been like lifting the chunks out if they weren’t floating… like trying to catch a wild pig with greasy hands.
I knew what I had to do.
First, I psyched myself up with a little motivational pep talk. “This is what Dad’s do.” “This is what Dad’s do.” “This is what Dad’s do.”
Then, I went in.
I scooped one chunk, then the next, then dropped them in the toilet. I shuddered, did the sign of the cross, and washed my hands. I ended the ordeal by pinning an imaginary “World’s Best Dad” button on my own t-shirt.
My wife, in turn, supported me by laughing and calling it a Kodak moment. Ah, love.
There is a silver lining to this story. If Pea hadn’t been engaged in circle time, we would have lost a lot of perfectly good bath time toys.
That said, a moment of silence for Pea’s gorilla sticker, who was literally not invited to circle time… a shunning which cost him a place in our home. We will miss you bubbled-gorilla sticker.
I’ll end this post, which I had hoped I would never have to write, with this hilariousness…
I’m with Sara – Girl 6 was famous for that when she was Girl 2, it happened several times, and mister was usually in there, too, which resulted in some panicked calls for child removal.
My gross moments when I knew I was officially A Parent came when she started to throw up here dinner one night and I reached out and caught it. Barehanded. Yep, I’m a mom.
um. gross.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Do%20I%20smell%20popcorn%3F&defid=5385100
ummm Shawn brace yourself. I’m taking your title away. Will did the same last night …and I WAS IN THE TUB WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
*i want some ice cream….god I love that movie*
Oh my gosh… that’s hysterically funny – poor you! I think I blocked out the one and only time that happened with Madame. The horror! Erased!
And that movie? I think I’ve seen in a hundred times. And I had the routine on audio cassette too. Yeah. I’m old as dirt.
Thanks for capturing the moment. I wish our bathtub was as nice as the photo you chose…
This is a family site Erin… the Eddie video is rude enough… I think a poo shot would have made the site PG-13 at least!
First of all Shawn, where the ef is the poo photo with the circle toys looking on in horror? What’s with the generic bath tub shot. Kodak moment….HELLOOOO!
Secondly, Eddie, funny.
Thirdly, most kids have a bath poo, it’s funny (funny odd) how it scares them.