But She Said So

“Ghosts are real, Mom. Ginny and Lacey’s* mom said so.”

This, after I’ve spent many nights convincing her that ghosts, monsters and Voldemort are not, in fact, real, and that there is nothing for her to be afraid of. And please, go to sleep, you are in fact safe from imaginary threats. 

You know, I remember being afraid to sleep at that age. I remember being afraid of things I saw in movies or on TV and things I read in books. I was afraid of witches, vampires and being kidnapped. So I get it. It took me a long time to get over my fear of these imaginary creatures, and long after I gave up believing in ghosts, etc. I still found it hard to completely banish fear when the world went dark and the lights were out.

So I understand where she’s coming from. When you’re seven, a lot of things seem, if not likely or probable, then at least possible. And when you’re a small, vulnerable person all alone in a big bed, those possibilities seem a lot larger and more real. And maybe it is a bit of a contradiction for me to ask her to believe in unlikely yet benevolent creatures like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, but to completely discount the existence of any other kind of imaginary folk. But, what I tell my kids is surely my business, right?

Apparently not everyone thinks so. Because it turns out that Ginny and Lacey’s mom told my daughter that ghosts do, in fact, exist. It wasn’t just (as I first thought) that Maddy said, “ghosts aren’t real” and Ginny and Lacey disagreed, using their mom’s opinion as trump card. No, what went down was this:

Maddy: “Ghosts aren’t real.”

Ginny & Lacey: “Yes they are, our mom says so. Come upstairs and we’ll ask her…”

[All three go upstairs to kitchen]

Ginny & Lacey: “Mom, ghosts are real, right?”

G&L’s Mom: “Yes they are.”

And that’s what I take exception to. Because the fact is, none of us know FOR SURE whether these things are real. I’ve never seen a ghost, or spoken to an angel, or seen any evidence of a God or an afterlife. I know that many people have faith that these things exist, and I respect that for what it is. Faith. Which, by definition, is the belief in something for which there is no evidence. 

Now, the way my mind works is this: while I accept that there are certainly things for which we have not (yet) found a satisfactory scientific explanation, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there must therefore be a supernatural or religious explanation. But I understand (and respect) that not everyone agrees with me. Good. This is supposed to be, after all, a pluralistic society, and that means that we all get to believe whatever we want without forcing those beliefs on others or having others’ beliefs forced on us. And that includes my kids, thank you very much.

So I wonder: if you were Ginny and Lacey’s mom, would you just flat-out tell another person’s child that ghosts are real? I sure wouldn’t. If it were me in that situation, and someone else’s kids were present, I’d have been careful to say, “I don’t believe ghosts are real, but some people do ,” or something equally ambiguous, to allow the other child’s parents the freedom to address the issue in their own way. And I kind of expect the same in return. Am I off-base here? In the end, I told Maddy that her friends (and their moms) are free to believe in ghosts, but that’s only their opinion, and not necessarily the truth. 

And really, when you get right down to it…we’re talking about ghosts here, not God or Jesus or Mohammed or the Virgin Mary or even angels. I mean, in 2010, is it even normal to believe in ghosts? Isn’t it pretty well accepted these days that ghosts, vampires, witches and werewolves are fictional creatures? Am I wrong?

Either way you slice it, it’s not like the kids asked a question with an absolute, universally-accepted answer like, “Mom, blue and red make purple, right?” They were asking a question for which the answer is, at best opinion. And I would hope — no expect — that when someone else’s kids are present at such times, that people would temper their responses with that fact.