My friend on Facebook posted about this Time Magazine article about the Science of Favourites. I immediately raced over to read it but ugh, you have to pay for a subscription. They did have a clip about the article. It’s three minutes of fascinating. Check it out.
He is saying that science dictates that our parents (and us) are genetically driven to have favourite children. That nature impels us to. The author, Jeffrey Kluger tells us that first borns are usually the favourites because more time and effort are put into them as the first born. They are further along in product development. He also adds that mothers tend to favour the youngest child – due to their innate need to protect the vulnerable in the nest.
I find the whole topic fascinating and frankly, I intend to buy this book and read it (and I’ll tell you about it). I think the sibling – sibling and parent – sibling relationships are among the most complicated.
After my mom died, one of my sister’s friends and I were talking. I said something about my sister being my mom’s favourite and she burst out laughing. She said that of the sisters (she hadn’t talked to my brother about it) we all thought that another of our siblings was our mother’s favourite. None of us were consistent in who we thought it was.
I agree with Jeffrey Kluger in some way. I do think that parents naturally have ‘favourites’. I use quotes because I’m not sure it’s really ‘favourites’ or just that you get along better with some of your kids than others. I also agree with him that if you can just accept it and understand it, it’s not really a big deal. I don’t think I was my mom’s favourite kid and I do think she had one. Did it mean she loved me less? Nope. Did it affect our relationship? Not at all.
What do you think about this whole notion that parents have favourites? As a mom of just one…I can’t comment from my perspective. I get to just say that Will is my favourite (or the one that drives me the most crazy too!). Do you have a favourite? Or is this all hogwash and a way to get me to drop $40 on the hardcover???
Yup – really well said Jen. My sister replied on Facebook about how we all had different relationships – different times when we were closer with one or the other parents…I think that makes sens.
Nice!
I could have written exactly this, Jen. I wonder if I had more than 2 children if I would have a different opinion, but I have a boy child first, and then a girl, and in some ways, one is easier than the other at times… they’re different ages and at different stages… can’t say I have a favourite.
And I don’t think my parents had favourites either, but again, I have only one sister.
This is all very interesting to consider, Sara!!
Hmmm. I thought hard about this but I really don’t think I have a “favourite” child. Sometimes I find one child easier than the other or more interesting but this moves back and forth. I definitely have a unique connection with my son because he was my first but my daughter is such an amazing person and I admire her strength and individuality. Plus, she is my baby.
The same would be true of my parents. I don’t think any of us were the “favourite”. Our relationship with our parents changed throughout childhood and our adult lives. I think the word “favourite” creates a feeling that one is loved more than the others and I think most parents would agree that this is not true.
Hmmm. I’m the firstborn, and I am not the favourite. My mum admits freely that my sister and she have a special bond, and I didn’t understand it until I had my son. While I hesitate to say that either of my children are my “favourite”, I parent them differently because they are different people with different needs. My son needs to be held more. He has always needed more physical reassurance. My daughter doesn’t like to be held as much. She needs to be heard. So, I’m hopeful that when they’re both adults, my son will say “I was the favourite. Mum always held me whenever I needed it.” And my daughter will say, “I was the favourite. Mum always stopped what she was doing to hear what I had to say.” And then they can laugh about it over cocktails, together 🙂
I remember someone saying that all children should feel they are the favourites and that her mother had whispered to each of them at bedtime “you are my favourite”. I think it sounds darling but I think my girls would have felt guilty about this for the other.
I used to say ” I love you the purpleist” to the one whose fave colour was purple and “I love you the limest” to my lime green girl.
Will is my favourite of all your kids, Sara. By a long shot.
I know I was the favorite!!!
Not really, I agree that we are all favorites at different times and it didn’t matter, cuz she loved us all the same!
Adn I agree with my sister….enough of this pic alreay!!!!
i think the only “favorite” i can think of is my youngest when it comes to snuggling…she’s still tiny enough that i can ball her up and snuggle (my older one is all elbows and knees) but i’d never be able to choose the “overall winner”.
i believe there are favorite parts of each child but never as a whole!
Well I think we can all agree in my family that I was my Dad’s favourite. My 2 sisters will tell you that and I won’t disagree. My sisters and I are thicker than molasses so it didn’t affect our relationship. My dad is my dad and now we just make of him for some of the things he did to show favouritism.
Eva asked me the other day:
“what’s your favourite food?”
“what’s you favourite colour?”
“Who’s your favourite kid?”
She didn’t believe me that I didn’t have a favourite.
“Well…is it me because I’m a girl like you?”
“Is it Cam because he has red hair like you?”
“Is it Cuy because you give him needles?” (whaa…huh??)
I told her I love them all the same, but all different. I told her all different things that I loved about each of them. She was good with that.
As mother of three I can’t say that I have a favourite, I have learned to love each of them individually by trying to evenly balance out my attention with all of them. Now that two are in school, I get to spend my time with my youngest and have never had the oppourtunity to spend time with a 2 1/2 year old. It’s always been a nursing baby… they each have their own characteristics that you love and days that they drive you up the wall….. I hope that I can keep a special relationship with them when they are older and that they will still love me like they do now. I do feel that my daughter has a favourite though and that is daddy, unless of course mommy has a neat necklace or is putting on makeup!!!
oooh….that sounds fascinating. I think “favourite” is a complicated and loaded word. As one of three sisters, I recognize that each of my parents had and have a different relationship with each of us, and that relationship has changed at different stages of our lives.
As a mother of three, I recognize the same. I find my relationship “easier” with one of my kids, but that doesn’t make that kid my favourite. I may have to work harder on my relationship with another, but maybe the rewards are even sweeter (I’m being a little ambiguous here because I wouldn’t want my kids to end up reading this and start guessing who is the “favourite”!)