The Huffington Post ran a great article today asking ‘Are Princess Wars the New Mommy Wars‘ (actually linking to the Christian Science Monitor). Essentially they’re saying that now instead of debating the mutha of motherhood topics – Stay at Home or Working Moms….the new dividing line is – Allowing Princesses or Not Allowing Princesses.
I’m fascinated by this. And not just because Will is consumed with princesses. But lately, I’ve heard of some moms who I know who have banned princesses. I don’t get it. Frankly, and granted I have a boy so any ‘concern’ may be different than moms of girls, BUT … he’s four years old, he thinks they’re pretty and he loves the stories. I intend on raising him to respect women for their strength, their brains, their senses of humour, their kindness. That is MY job. My job is to also let his imagination run wild. This morning, his princesses were in a forest full of dinosaurs and hiding so they wouldn’t get eaten. I want to encourage this. These games are HIS job.
Will sees real princesses on television (thank you royal wedding) and recognizes that they don’t all have evil step-mothers or talking animal friends. He also sees women who are streetcar drivers, waitresses, teachers, lawyers and basketball players. He sees me go to work daily in jeans and minimal makeup and says I look beautiful (awww). He knows the difference between reality and fairy tales. It’s MY job to make sure that he does.
So am I feeding the new ‘Mommy War’ here? Maybe. But I’m sorry – I just don’t understand what the big freaking deal is. I can guarantee you that your kids won’t be going into Grade Nine carrying their “Enchanted World of the Princesses” book with them. If you don’t want your kid into them because of feeding the Disney money train, then okay I get that. But…again your kid isn’t out buying the crap and I can tell you the library is stuffed with princess books that you can just borrow.
I may have to start a ‘Daddy War’ though! Last week my sister got Will a princess sticker book. We were out for dinner and it actually gave us ten minutes of conversation time. But, I looked up and saw this dad whispering to his wife and looking at Will and the book and rolling his eyes. I was SO pissed. But in typical Sara fashion, I ‘Costanza’ed’ and thought of 100 great things to say when I got in bed that night. Note to self also teach Will to not be such a WIMP.
So tell me are you a Princess banner? Or can you deal while the phase runs through?
Hey Molly! Thanks so much for your very articulate response and know that I would NEVER make assumptions or judge people for their opinions. I think that’s the beauty of blogging – putting yourself out there and hearing what others think. I totally agree with you on a man teaching a little boy to be a man. It’s probably the piece of my decision to have a child by myself that I struggle with the most. There’s no easy answer for me on that – all I can do is surround him with positive male role models and hope he gets the best out of it.
I don’t necessarily agree with your second part though about the line between men and women getting blurry. The choice to me was this – do I discourage it and make it seem like it’s wrong to want to play with a ‘girl’ toy or do I just allow him to go with the flow and his heart. Personally, I think sometimes it’s not positive to always point out the difference between men and women…it often leads to traditional roles etc. (i.e. nurses are girls etc – which he said the other day – I very quickly pointed out that no – that’s not the case). I think that being in touch with a feminine side will allow my son to treat women with even more respect.
But as I said – I really loved your comment and the time and thought you put in it!!
Have a great weekend!
Although i am sure that you are a completely devoted and loving mother, nothing can change the fact that a man will process things differently than a woman by nature, and that the role of a father to show a young man how to behave like a man and not like a woman. Now don’t make lots of assumptions about me. I am talking simply about teaching a little boy how to be a boy. I have two boys and one girl with dad we all live together. My husband never had to say much about what it means to be a “boy”, he just lived it. He teaches them to honor women by treating me with dignity. Consequently my teen aged boys are of the mindset that they are not to take anything away sexually from a girl, but instead they honor girls by having strong boundaries about what they do and say in relation to them. The girls love my boys and tell them all the time, “There is something so different about you!” What I have observed about men in my lifetime and as a mother is that they are also by nature protectors, and that is the mindset they get from their dad. He is proactive in every way to protect this family financially, emotionally, physically, mentally. Like him, they know how to take the initiative in groups and set the standard instead of follow mistakes of others. They are leaders everywhere they go, just like their dad…thinking about how their strength as men can best serve the people around them.
So when it comes to princess dresses and such, I know that men are not all cut from the same pattern, and wouldn’t that be boring if they were!! Some are more artistic, and some more able to verbally communicate their feelings than others, and some more emotional, but I believe that whatever the are coming out of the womb, we bless them most if we show them the DIFFERENCE between women and men and encourage them to find the best in being a man, not blending any lines to make them feel comfortable identifying with womanly traits. Like the emphasis the whole princesses thing point out about a girl’s innate desire to be pretty. That just isn’t something you have to teach a girl…they just want to be pretty, even into old age! You natural reaction was to think that it was sweet that your son thought you were pretty without makeup. He probably would never tell a dad that he looked pretty because he knows that it would not have the same effect at all. The difference between your response and that of a father would be really different, and that is my point. They are different and we can raise confident, strong and healthy sons best by navigating them through the process of figuring out what those differences are.
i’ll admit the disney princesses drive me a bit nuts…even tho’ i love disney 🙂 i find the barbie movies much better. sometimes the story has them “getting” the prince in the end but by far the outcome is that barbie and her friends save themselves and the boys are only there for “odd jobs”. sometimes they ride off into the sunset, sometimes they just say thanks and leave the boys behind.
but at this age it’s just play…plain and simple. we can really project our prejudices and feelings on to our kids so i try to just ask why they think something is happening and what they would do. glad to report my girls would save themselves 🙂
Honestly, I hate the princesses because like Tracey, I find the froth and femme just plain too much, not to mention the whole passivity of the message and yes, I can’t stopmach feeding Disney’s marketing machine. That said, that’s about Disney princesses and the overload of pink.
My solution has been to tell the princess stories closer to the original, and not from books, but from oral telling, and to edit them to embody the values I want to give her about romantic relationships. I also read princess books like the aformentioned Paperbag Princess and Princess Smartypants (hilarious), about royal girls with their own ideas of how things ought to go and what they want.
For her birthday one year, when she was all about princesses, I did give her a princess party – without one single Disney princess. We made crowns, pinned the kiss on the frog, ate castle cake, read the Paperbag Princess, and so on.
I’ve also been fussy about which princess movies I’ll buy – Mulan, who is spunky and tough, gets my vote. Luckily, my girl is more into dogs than dolls, so I’ve not had too much of a fight on my hands.
As I see it, the problem is not so much princess stories, as the way they have most typically been presented and marketed in the past decade or two.
It’s SO true Annabelle. My dad’s wife hates being called step-mother because of the negative connotations that go along with it – that really all started with the princess tales. That’s part that I try to alter a bit when I’m reading the stories…
As I have mentioned on one of your previous posts, one of my four boys was princess crazy and even now at age 11 when I see him drawing he likes to draw girls and “beautiful” images rather than action figures. We struggled for a while with negative comments but just learned to ignore it. I did try to educate some people with those perfect come backs that likely came to you late at night, but really when it comes to having opinions on what is “girly” on a boy, most people won’t budge on that one. So, we just embraced it and always made sure my kids knew that women didn’t always need to be rescued. And to be honest, with four boys, it was a much needed bit of variety for me from the endless “bad guy and big trucks” games.
As far as the stories go, one thing I would love to see changed is the whole dead mother or evil mother thing. Why the dead mother? I think my kids had a harder time getting their heads around that than any poofy dresses.
It’s so true Grace!!! I think I would LOVE your daughter….she sounds just like me when I was little…tomboy but a little bit of girly in there too!
Why is it more acceptable for girls to play with GI Joes and Thomas the Train than for boys to play with Barbies? My youngest daughter (now 9 years old) was always a tom-boy and never liked ‘girly’ things. When she was not yet 3, we had an opportunity to go to Florida and while there, we took them (my oldest daughter was 5 at the time) to Disneyworld. We waited in a line for over an hour so we could have pictures taken with the princesses (not my idea but since we were there…….). My youngest took one picture and then she was done! No amount of cajolling or bribery could convince her to sit with the other princesses (we did wait for over an hour!!). She will wear a dress once a year, at Christmas, and only for a few hours (so glad I paid all that $$$). She loved her Hot Wheels, Thomas, Nerf guns and last Christmas, her uncle bought her a Red Rider BB gun. She was in heaven!!! She loves her Bey Blades, and in the school yard, when you see a group of boys huddled together, she is usually right in the middle! This winter, she begged for us to sign her up for hockey and though we are definitely not a hockey family, we agreed to let her try. The funny thing is, tom-boy as she is, she loves manis and pedis and she will not wear clothes that make her look to ‘boyish’. All her clothes must be from the girls dept, just no pink and no flowers! Oh, and she’s now hooked on making models of war time airplanes, ships and tanks with daddy!
Oh Grumble…I’m totally with you. I would never say I’m pro-princess. The books enrage me etc. My issue is with banning it. I certainly didn’t introduce it to Will but somehow he found them. I put the princess lessons in the same vein as Grease and Pretty Woman….you know changing yourself to get a man and you can only be happy with a man. Really that freaking lesson is everywhere…ugh. going off topic…need to write new blog…
Raise your girl to be a King… not a queen or a princess.
The woman who would be King is much more preferable than the women who would serve the King.
One of the younger brothers at hockey played with Barbies all the time. He had
the coach’s youngest child playing with them too while the older brothers were playing hockey. I have to say, the parents never fussed over it. It’s a phase, and
it means nothing. For a Dad to sit and stare and whisper just indicates an
insecurity on his part. And for what it’s worth, parenting taught me that, as
mainstream as I always thought I was, and I am, there are a lot of people who have
VERY different ways of approaching the world than I do. I always thought
as Canadians, we had similar ideas on raising our children. I discovered how wrong
and how different we actually all are. Get your child playing hockey, and you’ll
learn that one in a hurry!!
Make sure you check out Robert Munsch’s Paper Bag Princess if you haven’t already read it to Will!
I don’t know what this whole war is about, but I’m not pro-princess. I just can’t stand them, generally. I will never go to Disneyland *shudders* or do any of that stuff, only because I just find it all too… frothy. But that’s just me.
I just don’t love the dream scenarios of it all – that it’s the way love should look or be, maybe. *shrugs* I don’t think I’ve given it a huge amount of thought, actually. I haven’t banned them (we own some videos and things) but I think I do try to curb them from being her “favourites.” We’re already beginning the war on pants VS skirts, and I just don’t want her to equate beauty with dresses. It’s bad enough that she doesn’t love the black princess(es) like Tiana from The Frog Prince… but that’s a whole ‘nother ball of cheese over here. I’m not ready. I’d rather she play with the Calico Critter mice and elephants and hedgehogs or whatever.
My son who is three loves the movie Snow White – although not in the realm of the princesses there have been many occasions when he wanted me to paint his toenails and fingernails and I happily obliged (especially since if he let me cut them first 🙂 I got the “looks” and the comments from his paternal grandmother and I said, ” He is two and half if he wants his fingernails and toenails painted I am more than happy to do it now or when he is 16 ” and I never heard another word. Oh yes…..there are the comments about the long hair…c’est la vie – I would rather a princess obsession than guns, swords and battles but that is my perogative
Hey! I am one of the hippie school teachers….and, I totally agree with supporting whatever Gracie is into at the age of 3 and a half…. her second birthday was a backhoe party for goodness sakes( construction equipment, she was in love with all things construction!) Interests come and go – in the end, she will know that she is respected and her interests are honoured. Ironically, I find that she dabbled in the princess thing, we supported it to a moderate extent, and guess what… she has moved on. Her stint with princesses in no way encouraged her wanting to be one or dress like one. In fact, she will only wear sneakers, jogging pants, and t-shirts… no interest in jewels or gems! I think childhood interests can be a little like Pandora’s Box… the more you ban it the more interesting it is. She has great self image and is confident and a risk taker… my job is to respect her interests ( not only ones that meet my agenda) and encourage her greatness!
Oh, honey – this is SO timely! My daughter is also 4 and went from Thomas and Lightning to Cinderella and Aurora seemingly overnight. In fact, she was on the other side of the room just now and spotted that pic of Will with Cinderella as I read your blog and freaked the frig out! (i.e. “MOMMY! IT’S CINDERELLA!!! MOOOMMMMMY! GET ME IN YOUR LAP – I HAVE TO SEEEEEE HER!!!!”)
It must be some sort of Disney DNA and even the hippie school teachers are okay with princesses because it’s a part of fables, etc. Those Bratz dolls are a bajillion times worse, IMO.
xo
L
ps My daughter’s best little buddy loves being Cinderella when they play princess…he looks gorgeous…
It’s so hard for me to get my ONE daughter into a freak’in dress I love it when she comes down with 14 necklaces and 20 bracelets up to her elbow and her crown…it makes me want to cry! I on the other hand enjoy dressing Andrew up in costume and he loves it. There is nothing wrong with it at all….soon Will will want a GUN! That’s a phase I hate but we are also trying to “respect” that stage here in our house and have taught my son not to point his wooden gun carved by his uncle who is an avid hunter at anyone….let them be kids for cripes sakes sooner than you know it they will be entering this world of “Sorry we have to cancel that holiday, due too”. I am all for it! If Will wants Beauty & The Beast on his cake so be it…BTW the Disney stores have these little mini figures he would love….we almost have every Disney princess character. 10 for $16.50….we act out the stories with them…and you are right, it’s OUR job as parents to teach our children to respect eachother…I do my hair or wear a dress and my kids are in awe…When my hair was long and I wore it down the kids loved it and said “mommy you are so pretty” really me, no make up, sweatshirt 5 hours sleep?