“I hate these blurred lines/I know you want it…”
There has been a lot of media attention directed at Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines lately, much of it critical. Thicke’s catchy tune has been called everything from misogynist to “rapey”, but are these criticisms fair?
Well, I suppose that all depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, lines like, “I know you want it” and “must wanna get nasty” seem to suggest that the man somehow knows the woman he’s referring to “wants it”, despite not having received explicit consent from her. As someone raised on Women’s Studies seminars in the university campuses of the 1990s, the answer, to me, is simple. You never assume. You always ask. Always.
And yet…despite coming of age in the late 80s and early 90s, (read: post-second wave feminism), most of my friends and I were still raised to be “good” girls. To save ourselves, if not for marriage, then at least for “real love” or “the right guy”. To be sexually active only within the confines of long-term, monogamous relationships. It was okay to shack up before marriage, but it wasn’t okay to have multiple casual sexual partners. Hang on though: weren’t we supposed to be celebrating our sexuality and (hard-won) freedom to determine our reproductive destinies? Somehow it didn’t work out that way.
And as the mother of two nearly-teenaged daughters, I find myself inclined to perpetuate the “good girl” myth, despite my own reservations, because the potential consequences of sexual freedom are just too…well, permanent. Pregnancy and STIs are two obvious examples (though both are avoidable if one is smart about it), but let’s not underestimate the Hester Prynne effect: even in the twenty-first century, young women who practice sexual freedom still find themselves judged and labeled as sluts. And the internet has made that scarlet letter an awful lot more painful and enduring.
as the mother of two nearly-teenaged daughters, I find myself inclined to perpetuate the “good girl” myth.
As they say: the more things change, the more they stay the same, and sexist double-standards are far from exempt. On the one hand, women are objectified everywhere in pop culture – on the other, real-life women are expected to live by a set of unwritten rules of sexual conduct that have hardly changed since Victorian times.
And I can’t help but think that it’s these mixed messages that might be – at least in part – contributing to the problems of the “rape culture”. There’s a tension there, between our society’s archaic and almost Victorian view of women (especially young women) as somehow required to suppress their natural sexual desires in the name of maintaining a reputation, and the reality, which is fraught with alcohol, late nights, dance floors, pounding music and yes: desire. Very real desire.
Maybe that’s what Robin Thicke is trying to get at with Blurred Lines (and I rather think he is). And maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to talk about female sexuality with our daughters (and sons!). It’s a timely question for me, with my daughters on the borders of their own sexual awakening, and having to do so in the age of smartphones and social media: where mistakes can be made but never forgotten. I want them to be free to explore and to express themselves joyfully and freely, but I never, ever want them to have to face down a compromising photo or video that’s gone viral in their social circle.
It’s a fine line – maybe even a blurred one.
I say it every time something like this comes into the media – it’s not the actors, singers, athletes or another person to teach our children it’s our jobs as parents.
Being the mom of a 16 year old girl and almost 18 year old boy they know the rules and what’s acceptable. Teenagers aren’t stupid, well at least mine aren’t. We’ve talked about sex, safety, how they should be treated and how others should be treated.
It’s a song with a great beat and when it comes on the radio our our iPods it gets turned up – loud and we sing. Dancing has even broken out a time or two. So for me the song as bought me and my teens closer and given me good memories of the Summer of 2013.
I agree, Cherie-Lynn: parents should be stepping up and talking about these issues with their kids. And it seems to me like the controversy over this song (and now, of course, Miley’s dancing to it) might be a really good opener to that kind of conversation. Thanks for your perspective.
There is no room for sexual exploration of any kind by young women in a world that is so public and unforgiving. The shaming online, even when girls have been sexually assaulted, has lead to suicide in some cases. The boys are often made into heroes. As much as I would love to encourage my daughter to be more open in this way the ramifications are just too great. Instead I will try my best to teach her to love her body and enjoy these experiences but to understand the reality and to protect herself.
well said and good advice – I plan to impart the same to my girls
I agree. The biggest worry is that everything is so public these days. Our kids won’t get the chance to just ride out the normal humiliations of young adulthood in private by laying low for a couple of days after a dumb mistake the way we did. Growing up has gotten a heck of a lot harder.
if it’s making us talk to our girls then it can’t be a “bad” thing. robin thicke is not the first fella to come up with a “nasty” song. they’ve been around since music began….superfreak? lay lady lay? i think because it’s so catchy it’s a real sore point with a lot of people.
to me, it seems, that the less something is talked about, the more it happens. north american culture is positively puritan compared to the europeans and again, to me, it seems like the balance of sexual incidents happens on this side of the globe.
as much as i want to stick my head in a sand dune and not think about what is to come i know i have to step up and talk…and soon! gah!
You’ve got it, Julie. I recently read a blog post comparing teen sexuality in Denmark vs. North America: the author referred to our culture as “a culture that hates sex.” Actually, I don’t think we hate sex so much as we’re afraid of it, and maybe rightly so? It sure is a powerful thing and the consequences are pretty major!
It is a fine line. One that most parents would rather ignore and teach the “good girl” mentality….for much the same reasons you state. The consequences are very real. It’s a hard issue.
Yup, you’re right, Merry. I struggle with it myself, but in the end I feel pretty comfortable with my values (generally liberal and accepting in principle, actually quite “goody-goody” in practice). I think I just need to be open with my girls and trust them to make the right decisions for themselves. SCARY!!!