“Bye Mom!”
I wave goodbye as the car door slams and watch my teenage kids walk towards the school. I won’t see them again until late at night, except sometimes for a quick shuttle from school to activities. Meandering home, I think of the elementary school days when I would hang around after the bell rang, coffee in hand, chatting with other parents.
By high school years, you lose those daily connections. Parents are running off to activities and jobs, and it seems like everything has become a rush. Even at team events and extracurricular activities, parents aren’t sharing the same way, as our kids may have grown apart, or their problems have become bigger, harder to talk about. You feel like you’re alone in the parenting game.
The constant rush of adding things to your family schedule, which seemed to multiply exponentially every year, has left you scattered. But the kids are becoming more self-sufficient. They still need you, but in a more complicated way, which is difficult to navigate. Friday-Family-Nights have changed; one kid is off with a boyfriend or headed to a party, and the other has to work. The leisurely movie nights with popcorn and junk food are few and far between. But we’re still on the clock, as those late night pick-up texts start to come through.
Parenting teens can be lonely.
Parent-shaming happens at every stage, but when you are in the teen stage, the shaming tends to be lethal. If your kid is taking part in questionable behaviour, people judge from afar. And it’s equally hard to decide whether you should tell another parent what you may know about their kid. Often, it’s easier just to be silent. But you feel bad not talking about it.
You can be sure that those moms feel lonely too. Unsure about whether they are doing the right thing, giving their kid the right guidance, or helping them with the right resources. It’s a complicated time.
And so begins a new stage in parenting; figuring out how to continue relationships with other parents, amidst the constant hustle. Or letting those friendships fall away. At one time it seemed you had so much in common. But now the silence is deafening.
There continues to be plenty of joy in parenting teens too. In many ways, as you cross different bridges, your family becomes a more solid unit. You start to see your kids form their core values and figure out who they are and who they want to be. I want to spend every second with them, hanging out and learning more about who they are becoming, but I know that have to let them create other relationships too.
I am hoping that the loneliness won’t last. As with every other stage, I know deep down that this too will go quickly.
Feeling the same w three boys one sophomore in college and 2 teens at home feeling unfulfilled and lost. We use to do playdates and it was w the moms. Now the kids make thier own arrangements for sleep overs etc and we rarely have contact w the mom unless we are close. Seems im feeling lonely wout the kids around as much and when they are around they are on their phones or talking to their friends on their games systems. They dont want to do the fun family things anymore or go the places that we used to go to. I am feeling like something is missing and I feel like I need to find something that makes me happy. Lets face it rasiing teenagers is tough and making sure they are getting good grades preparing for college prep making sure they arent on their devices too much blah blah blah! Its exhausting and I love my kids dont get me wrong but its draining. My husband feels it too with one gone and the other 2 not wanting to do things with him as much. Maybe its different if I had a girl I dont know. I know they still need me but as someone else said its needing in a different way.
Working on updating an article I wrote and came across yours because our keywords are so similar.
Love your insights here – it is SO different and can be SO lonely. Solidarity to Moms of teens!
In case you want a peek at my words wrestling the same issues I wrote “Why Parenting Teenagers Is Lonely.”
What a great article, rings true with two teenagers at home..
Funny but I was just thinking of this yesterday. It is so different than when they were in elementary or even middle school. You don’t come in contact with as many parents as you use to and so you aren’t sharing the everyday experiences that bond you. It was hard for me to first find friends as a mom and now I have to start putting in the effort to bring more friends into my life as my kids get ready to leave my nest.
So true Kathy! I’m here for ya!
I’m so in this with you. As the mom to an 18 year old boy, I sometimes feel like his roommate! But ofcourse those texts to pick up and drop off still come.
I do try to understand though. I didn’t want my mom to come with me when I went over to my boyfriend’s house or even to hang out with my friends!
I see it as an exciting phase in my life where the focus is back on me! Good luck and thanks for sharing.