Strategy document

I look at parenting like a team. Not specifically in an us versus them mentality (no matter how combative it sometimes feels), but as an effort that takes a bit of strategy, lots of communication and sometimes pure, dumb luck to be successful. And like other teams, sometimes the members can disagree on certain objectives, goals or tactics, and things can go freaking awry and turn ugly pretty darn quickly.

Don’t get me wrong. I did not come up with a parenting plan, hovering over a deck trying to decide which funky transitions or cool bullet points to use. But in my head I have always believed in instilling core principles in my two boys that lead all the decisions they currently are making, or ones they will make in the immediate future. 

(If the sounds a bit like Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it’s because I listened to about a third of it on CD while walking off fish and chips in New Zealand for a few weeks. I always thought it made sense, so I borrowed it and now use it as the foundation for my entire parental strategy.  Flakey?  Absolutely.  Pardon me while I apply moisturizer to my formally waxed pubis).  

Does my wife believe in establishing fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity as lessons we should ensconce into our boys tender psyche? I think so, because, while being a bit more of right brained free thinker, and against the linear rigidity that I sometimes adhere to, she is pretty much the “best” person I know. And she comes by it naturally, so as a model, she stands up pretty well for our boys to emulate. Me? I have some dark corners and dangling skeletons, so I much rather my two boys peak into her closet than mine.

With all this being said, we sometimes differ on the execution of this parental strategy. Mostly on how to communicate it to four sometimes deaf ears. They do not want to hear that sometimes standing up for someone else, or doing the right thing when everyone else is doing the wrong thing is the fastest route to becoming a good person. Or telling us they drank four pops after school may get them in trouble, but we deep down appreciate they told us.  

I have the luxury of being an imposing physical figure with a deep, booming voice. Occasionally I have to bellow about fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity to get my point across.  My wife, being the demure beauty that she is, does not believe in the occasional ruling by fear and I can see our boys, particularly the ruefully sarcastic Hudson (I don’t know where he got that), who rolls his eyes like the best dismisser in the universe, ignore her incessant, yet softer communications technique. 

And sometimes I get called in, like hard boiled detective Andy Sipowicz, to lay the heavy and motivate the boys to finish their homework, clean up the Wii games, make their mother a vodka and soda, whatever task needs to be completed at that moment. 

What we try to do, and I fail way more often than her, is not let on that we may disagree on the execution. I want her to use more vocal force to hustle their skinny asses into the car and make the mistake of letting her know in front of the boys. Bad move I know, as, like feral cats, they sense weakness and take advantage almost immediately.  

Truth is, I don’t like playing the heavy all the time.I want to be the red headed good cop, smooth talking my kids into submission. And I know that we have to work together to instill these previously mentioned principles into our kids. And If that means me Fred Flinstoning every once in awhile, I guess I am ok with it.  

My parents watched the boys while we took our solo trip to Chicago. They mentioned what great boys they were: polite, attentive, warm, giving, honest.  It was nice to hear, because as most parents know, kids are different when around other adults, be they related or not.  So something must be sinking in.    

Do you have a parental strategy and how do you manage discipline in your house?