Lately I have been listening to 90’s On 9 on SiriusXM. That is, when I am not listening to Radio Disney – choice station of all 3 kids. When they’re with me I get trumped. When I’m alone – it’s nothin but 90’s.
I realized today while listening to Sheryl Crow singing Everyday Is a Winding Road – how many great memories I have of the 90’s and they are being brought back by all this music.
Last night Lightning Crashes (by Live) came on and it brought me back to October ’97 when my best friend Andrea and I drove down to Waterloo to meet up with Sean and his friends – and to go to Octoberfest. Sean was hammered unable to drive, so Andrea was stuck driving Sean’s peice of crap Chevy Cavalier because it was stick and I can’t drive stick. We played that Live cd over and over…
Then Hand In My Pocket came on by Alanis Morissette. And I thought back to that summer. The summer of ’97. That cd – Jagged Little Pill – was our soundtrack for the summer. We listened to the cd as we drove all over the place in Andrea’s little Nissan Pulsar. I would hold the portable cd player in one hand so it wouldn’t skip and hold a cigarette in the other. Head Over Feet was totally Sean and I.
Then I got to thinking about how great that time of my life was. I had so much fun with really great friends. It was during that time that I fell in love. It was during that time that I separated myself from my parents and moved into a townhouse with my girlfriends.
I had a full time job. I had independence.
I laughed A LOT. I danced A LOT. I drank A LOT. I had A LOT of fun. It was an amazing time in my life. Probably the best, most carefree fun time. I reminisced the whole way home.
And then it hit me.
I realized I don’t laugh as much as I used to. Not even close.
I don’t remember the last time I danced.
I don’t drink anymore (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing).
I don’t feel like I’m much fun.
I sometimes wonder if all the things that I’ve been through as a mother have change me and turned me into a huge stick in the mud. I know I have anxiety that I never had before. I’m working on that…
It’s funny – my kids are my life. It’s all I ever wanted to be. I had goals I wanted to meet and jobs I wanted to get…but being a mother was something I always knew I would be. Something I always wanted to be.
And I knew I would never be the same after I became a mom. I welcomed that change.
I had no idea what my journey into parenthood had in store for me.
I did not know how much it would change everything about me.
I did not know how much it would change everything about me.
Sometimes I think I really need to separate myself from motherhood and just be Christine more often. Try and find a little piece of that fun chic who was happy and carefree (and skinny).
I think I’m starting to with my running.
And Cuyler’s gymnastic coach has promised to help me find all my lost flexibility. And teach me how to do a cartwheel.
Also – I could start with booking an appointment and redeem that gift certificate for a 1 hour massage that I got for Mother’s Day back in 2009.
In any case, I will keep listening to my 90’s and letting the memories motivate me to find a little bit of the old me. The kids are older. More independent. I feel like I’m coming out the other side of a rough few years and it’s time.
For me.
I can’t wait.
Funny story. I played Hand in my Pocket for my class during art (I expose them to different genres during art) but I forgot about the “Chickenshit” line. Ooops. Of course they noticed. No feedback yet, keep your fingers crossed for me.
What an awesome post Christine…and one which somehow I missed…so thanks Erin for linking to it! I can attest – you’re still fun….but it’s how you feel that matters. I can relate to this a ton as well…but in hindsight I think we’re just growing up. Those carefree days are fantastic but as someone who lived them until almost 40…I’ll tell you it got boring. Now, I appreciate the big laughs more because they aren’t as frequent. I appreciate driving in my car singing more because I don’t get to do it so much. And while I love going to parties, like Erin, I’m more apt to be in the corner enjoying a quiet convo with some friends than…umm well …trying to be the centre of attention. So try and get some of your self back – book the massage – I just did and look back fondly.
Christine,
I can totally relate. I also don’t laugh anywhere near as much, almost never dance, I think I’m dull, have a hard time at big parties, etc. I still drink though (not necessarily a good thing). I also loved Jagged Little Pill and it brings back memories.
I don’t think it’s motherhood alone for me. My sister’s death really changed me. So did being in a place where I didn’t have a lot of support. I’ve been thinking about this a lot for the past year…I still don’t have answers but I’m coming out the other side now.
I definitely hope we will have some fun next Saturday!
Erin
Great post! I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself yet, but I credit that to the amazing group of fellow stay-at-home moms I get to share my days with. We still make time for (not so wild) girls’ nights and get-togethers where the conversation heads south and we’re all laughing about naughty things.
Thanks for making me think.
I have started to have more fun lately, strangely, since my mom died. I guess the whole life-is-too-short thing. I would LOVE to have some fun with Christine the Woman sometime. I know there are a lot of other UrbanMoms bloggers and community members who would be keen to do the same.
I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe the other day and upon reflection I realized it has been ages since that has happened. Definitely something I plan to repeat.
I love you Christine.
Oh man, can I remember Jagged Little Pill (we were the ‘gang of six’ taking on the world and trying our hardest not to be single) and before that Oasis’ Wonderwall (my first time far away from home working and being a grown up) and Nelly Furtado’s Like a Bird (the beginning of Carrington and I)… oh man, the list goes on.
My rose coloured glasses about the past, are really rose coloured ear phones!
I think all that life (and music) has made you awesome!
🙂
I totally could have written a lot of this post. I used to be this super easy going, laid back, FUNNY person. The last decade of parenting has seemed to beat a lot of it out of me though, and I’m trying hard to find that person again. The fun person, who I am sure my kids would love to get to be around sometimes.