Monday morning 6:30 am. He wakes up as he does everyday full of random stats about animals.
Mommy. Did you know the most dangerous animal is the elephant? bumble bee? great white shark? Really Will? Amazing!!
Mommy. Did you know woolly mammoths used to live where it’s cold but now they are asinct? (aka extinct?). No way? Are you sure?? So cool Will!
And then…
Mommy. Who is my daddy? Crickets. Silence. Ummmm.
I’ve been thinking about this question and the answer for about five years now. Ever since I sat in a doctors office and said, ‘I want to have a baby.’ Ever since I sat with a psychologist accessing if I was ready for this choice parenthood thing. Ever since I found out I was having a boy and worrying if I’d be enough for him. Ever since I held him in my arms the first time and thought ‘this is it dude, you and me, here we go.’ Ever since … well you get the idea. I have thought about this a ton.
And I thought I’d have a few more years to come up with just the right thing to explain to Will that some random guy probably needed some money and decided to donate his sperm to let people like me buy it and make a baby. How I read countless profiles and thought how amazing this one particular one sounded. How I should have listened to my gut all along and picked him right away because I just knew he was the one. How after Will was born, I listened to an audio interview of his father and he made me laugh with every one of his answers and that I knew I’d made the perfect choice. How when he’s eighteen, if he wants to, he can meet this guy, his father. How maybe by then he’ll have a dad and all of us can go together and meet his donor so I can say, ‘thank you for this incredible, amazing, funny kid that you genetically helped me create.’
Instead? I said, ‘come here and lets talk about it’. I hugged him and said, ‘he’s just a guy who helped me make you because he knew how much I wanted you to love.’ And with that – it was back to Alex, the lion from Madagascar, who is FAR more interesting than all that dad business.
I have a few more years I think…..
Sara, there are some great books out there. I started reading them to Arielle a couple of years ago so that she wouldn’t be suprised when I brought up the donor concept. A great book to pick up is called ‘Why Don’t I Have A Daddy?: A Story of Donor Conception’ by George Anne Clay. It is really sweet and it is about a lion cub. I also picked up a book that describes all the different types of families that I found quite helpful.
I love that you wrote a fairy tale!!! So smart! He really was almost like ‘okay cool – makes sense’….I’ll keep you posted how that goes as he gets older…:)
I love the bus cry….:). thanks babe.x
Will is here to draw out the very best of you Sara and you keep giving him just that.
I remember hearing something about how kids always ask hard questions but answer them slowly and simply. If they want more they will ask for more but generally they want a quick simple answer. PHEWF.
I think you handled that perfectly, friend. 🙂
I’m with Erin…great job momma! Big praise for keeping it together, not panicking and giving him just the right amount of info. Well done.
Really enjoyed this post. Wow, I didn’t know you learn so much about the donor dude.
i know all kids are different and mine isn’t even talking yet … i too have contemplated the perfect answer to this question, i’ve even written him a fairy tale to help explain, and i’m sure it will end up so different from all the conversations and scenarios in my head … i’m just glad to hear how easily accepting Will is and that I still have a few years to go! Thanks for posting!!! 🙂
You gave him just the right answer Mama – beautiful post.
Thanks a lot. People think I’m being broken up with by text or similar because you’ve made my cry on the bus! Your answer was perfect. And regardless of what you tell him over the years, your gorgeous boy will know that he was chosen and that he is loved beyond measure. xoxo
“Raw, and honest and real”…as Jen said, and as we’ve come to expect from you, Sara. Thanks for sharing this great story. It sounds you’re giving Will exactly the information he needs right now, but one day I hope he enjoys reading these posts as much as we all do.
Regardless of how your children enter your family – parenting is hard. I was fortunate to join a parenting group and every moment learned that the issues I faced were pretty much the same as non-adoptive parents. I’m still with the group now that my children are grown and the focus has returned to us rather than our children – full circle! Thanks for sharing.
Great answer Sara. A little bit more information
each time they ask, and they’re happy.
Julie – you can always ask me anything. I have a ton of info about him – I did get more after he was born but before I had pages and pages. Family health history. An essay he wrote. Baby picture and grown up picture. You really do get a lot of info. But as far as meeting him goes – that is totally up to Will. If he never wants to – we never do. It’s that black and white.
Oh the tears. I love this post. It is so raw and honest and real. And as deeply as you think about it from every angle Will just needed a simple answer – for now. That’s the great thing about this parenting gig, you usually get to ease into the tough stuff.
i can picture you hiding around a tree, back to the trunk, flat up against it and panting…whew! got away from it! 🙂 but i have to say that is a wonderful answer for him. i think all the other stuff should be said, too, but when he’s older.
i’m not sure if this is too forward but do you know the father’s info? i’m only asking because you said they can meet when he is 18 so i was just wondering if his information becomes available then or if you have a magical, sealed envelope at home. you can always tell me to take a hike as well!