Our neighbours had a young boy a week ago. I don’t know the couple at all, but I do know their boys’ date of birth, name and weight thanks to a lawn stork they have trolling around their front yard.
Since seeing the stork last week, I’ve also noticed a few other things.
- During a late night milk run for Pea, I noticed lights on in their house that I have never seen on before… and they have lived on our street for over 2 years.
- I’ve noticed a lot more cars parked on the street outside of their house, and mine.
- I’ve noticed that the cars in their driveway don’t seem to have moved an inch for several days. This includes the fathers work truck, which is usually gone long before I leave my house every day.
Sure, these seem like pretty normal observations given the circumstances. But it’s the fact that the work truck hasn’t budged in a week that threw me into a Wayne’s World-style flashback.
When Pea was born, I planned on taking my entire 3 week vacation allotment to be with my new family. I was certain that 3 weeks wouldn’t be nearly enough time for us to normalize at home… that my wife would be begging me to stay at the end of it and that Pea would have learned to speak in record time just so she could say please don’t go Daddy!
When Pea finally arrived, I did everything I could to help out. Let’s see… I… ah… kept the house fairly tidy… no, that was the rest of my family. Ok, I… um… made delicious and wholesome meals… no… again, that was other people…
Oh! Oh! I made frequent trips to the video store to rent movies for the late night wakings… yeah! And I watched and supported my wife as she breast fed… and, I held Pea as she slept because she wouldn’t sleep any other way.
For those keeping track at home, these were all things I could do whether I was at home or at work. In hindsight, I felt extremely useless.
After about 10 days, my wife and I looked at each other and we determined that my precious vacation days might be better spent as Pea got older and my skills could be put to better use. So, after just two weeks, I returned to work with a fistful of photos for my cubicle wall and revised expectations regarding what the birth of a new child actually means for a father.
Let’s be clear: the value of that time from a bonding perspective was immeasurable. I could have easily spent the first week simply staring at her and been perfectly content. But ultimately, my vacation days aren’t never-ending, and life had to go back to ‘normal’ at some point.
So now, I’m counting down the days until my neighbours truck moves once again, and wondering whether it will also be slightly ahead of schedule for them. Maybe I’ll bring them a few DVDs and find out for myself.
I had to pump to get breat milk into my babies, We would both get up in the night to pump and feed. One time we were so tired that we were asking each other did you feed him, did I feed him? We just couldn’t remember. I so recall vividly, the day my husband went back to work after our first. Had no idea how I would cope on my own. Having younger brothers, he knew more about babies than I did. Then almost 3 years later when I was left on my own with two boy babies, I was filled fear. However, I only used the”you have to come home now” call/voice once or twice. You have to save it for when you really need it. With in built male instinct, he knew it wasn’t just a wish, but an absolute must. Dads are fab and need more credit for their role in all this craziness. Now I ong for those nights when I would feed a baby and he would fall asleep on my chest. What a privilege to have experience that.
I totally agree. My husband did the same thing and went home early. You must be glad you were there for those few days, though. There’s something magical about those early moments when everything is so fragile and new. No matter how physically draining the early days are, I remember that time with my husband and babies so fondly.
I think if I had an endless amount of vacation time I would have stayed home much longer. Better still, if I was able to take paternity leave, I would have taken full advantage. I think we just got to the point when we wondered if my being a supportive by-stander was worth losing my entire vacation allotment. In the end, it worked out well because the time I got to take off was to be with them on outings as Pea got older.
When my first was born, my husband spent two weeks at home with us, and I cherished every moment of it. I guess this is a personal thing, but for us it was absolutely wonderful to have him home – I hope it was like that for both of us! When my son came along he could only spend a week at home, had to go back for a week, and then had two more off. The week he was away felt like an eternity, nobody can replace Daddy at a time like that. I needed him there to give me strength and support, and for all of us to figure out how our new family of four was going to work. Don’t underestimate the power of your presence in your home!
And Jen – “The days are long but the years are short” is my mantra as well, it is amazing and sad and frightening how quickly the time passes. Some days this helps, other days it seems like a pile of gibberish, but most of the time it is helpful!
Unfortunately, I can’t say we had the same experience with our first babe. I was stuck in an absolute blackhole of postpartum depression that made having my husband around indispensible. But, like Jen says, “The days are long, but the years are short” — she is now seven.
Nancy, I so remember those nights. One time I called a fellow mom crying, telling her I couldn’t handle one more sleepless night. She replied with a quote I will never forget, “The days are long but the years are short.” So true. Looking back it seems like merely a flash in time but at the time it was an eternity.
Although, for me, it was a long time ago, I appreciated the presence of my husband. The comfort of knowing that he was at my side, someone to cry on….someone to cry with and someone to laugh with. The fear of the unknown is so much more measurable and memorable, when you have someone else that is as clueless as you are right by your side! I remember looking out the window many times, amazed at what 1, then 2, then 3, then 4 o’clock in the morning looked like and wondering if anyone else was as tired as I was in the still of the night. Wouldn’t take any of those bonding hours back. When I drive by one of these lawn storks, I can only pause and think….this too, shall pass! Enjoy them!
“…revised expectations…” – in my experience, most of parenting is about revised expectations! Great observations, Shawn, and love the picture of you and Pea. So cute!
So true, Shawn. It is not the only thing that is far different than you expect, is it? Now that my kids are older I find those days when daddy was just another set of (often useless) hands a very distant memory.