I heard a rather startling statistic recently. I think my wife was watching Oprah (I swear, it was her, not me) and they were talking about kids and bullying. According to whatever we she was watching, experts in the field believe 1 in every 3 children are bullied at some point in their lives.
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. There are many things I believe I am supposed to do as Pea’s father. Very near the top of this list is to protect her; to help her when she’s in need, and above all, keep her from harm.
I know the vast majority of fathers out there believe the exact same thing. But as hard as we will try, it stands to reason that we won’t be able to protect our kids forever.
In fact, according to Oprah, or whoever, there is a 33% chance we won’t be there when she feels threatened and needs us.
The thought of Pea needing help and not getting it makes me feel ill. Thinking of someone picking on her makes me clench my jaw and ball up my fists. Hell, I get pretty upset when another kid tries to take a toy she’s playing with.
But I’ve already decided that part of Pea’s learning path will include dealing with people that don’t seem to ‘get’ her. I think I have a lot to offer – a pacifistic lifestyle, a sense of humour that puts people at ease and a brain that works a lot like a mediators.
So, as I was glowing in the pride of a lesson plan laid out well in advance, something occurred to me: what if Pea isn’t the bullied child… what if she’s the bully?
After all, if 1 in 3 kids are bullied, that means at least 1 in 3 kids are bullies.
On this topic, my lesson plan is blank. As the calm and rational guy I am, I’ve done very little bullying. I can admit to treating a few classmates with far less respect than they deserved and I think that is a big part of why I am so non-confrontational and all-accepting. The shame I feel for my behaviour as a youngster is still pretty strong.
That said, I don’t think I would categorize myself as a systematic bully, who slowly but surely tore apart the self-esteem of others. Truth be told, I don’t really understand why anyone would go out of their way to cause someone grief. As such, it’ll probably be pretty hard for me to empathize with Pea’s behaviour if she develops bully-like tendencies.
I am comforted by the fact that both my wife and I are fairly nice people. We plan on raising our little girl to treat others with kindness and respect, so I feel we’ve got that on our side already.
I know what you’re saying… Shawn, who purposely raises their kid to be mean-spirited and evil?
Well, if you are one of those people, consider this: I once saw a truck with the bumper sticker “My child beat up your honour student.”
If that doesn’t prove that bullying can be a learned behaviour, I don’t know what does.
This topic is one I will definitely have to keep an eye on, both for Pea’s sake and my own. I suppose I’ll have to keep watching Oprah… I’m sure she’ll have another show on bullying before I have to deal with this issue.
I mean, uh, I’ll ask my wife to keep me posted on whether Oprah tackles bullying or not. Yeah, that’s it…
For Pea’s reaction to the above-mentioned bumper sticker, click here.
Are you kidding, that’s exactly the kind of advice I’m looking for Julie! In this day and age, most people are afraid to get involved lest they start being the target of the bullying… this continues into adulthood when we tend to avoid confrontations at all cost. Knowing that the more people stand up, the more impact it will have is definitely good advice.
Tough topic. And one that is one my mind A LOT these days. My DD is in grade 2, and bullying has already begun in earnest.
From the research I’ve read, the bystander actually holds the most power. Without an audience, the bully loses his raison d’etre. So if enough bystanders walk away and don’t provide an audience, or better yet, stand up to the bully and tell him/her that what they are doing is not accepted by the larger social group, it apparently makes an enormous difference. So, even though my daughter is not the bully, I am working hard to teach her not to be a bystander either.
The schools have “zero tolerance” on bullying these days, and although I understand they are acting in good faith, I don’t think it’s making an ounce of difference. Human are strange creatures and this seems to be an unkind element in human nature. As parents, I think our best bet is to proactively work with our children on coping strategies and encourage open dialogue. And of course, we need to role-model the behaviour we want our children to adopt!
Er, not the kind of comforting advice you were looking for maybe? 😉
Thanks Annabelle! We’ve called her Pea forever… when my wife was pregnant, we had a book that we would read every day that would tell us how the fetus was progressing. At one point, the book said the fetus was about the size of a Pea, and it kind of stuck!
I wish I had the answer. One of my kids was a victim and then he was a bully then a victim again. Enough to make us all want to home school.
On another note, I know you refer to your daughter as “Pea” and that is so cute…and I was at Indigo the other day and saw the cutest children’s book. I think it was called Little Pea…..anyway it was about a family of peas and one won’t eat her ‘candy” so she won’t get dessert.. Illustrated nicely. It was at the Yorkdale location on a table by the front if you are looking… If I see it again I will write title and author this time…
There always seems to be information about kids who are bullied, and seemingly endless resources for what to do/what not to do. There are profiles of the bullied child. However there are fewer resources for those who are doing the bullying.
Hopefully you’ll never be faced with that scenario, but if the stats are right, there are tons of parents out there that have a child considered as a bully. Not all of them are parents driving around with the bumper sticker mentioned in the article.
A bully may not actually be a bad kid, they may not even realize that what they are doing is considered bullying. How do you help that child?
As a mom of a very strong minded daughter and a ready to follow you anywhere son, I’ve thought of the power divisions often. I attended a seminar on cyber-bullying (how scary is that???) and they pointed out that you need to be aware of the bully and the bullied, and everyone in between. Where will your child fit? The child that sees something wrong and turns his/her back? The child who sees something wrong and acts heroically? The child who encourages the bully but never does the bullying themselves?
Sorry if this adds to your stress of Pea’s position amongst her peers!
As for my daughter, I tell her she can “use her power for good or for evil”. Everyone wants to belong to a social group, the problem is the track club and chess club are hierarchies you want them to climb and the group of “bad kids” or “freaks” are the clubs you want them to stay far away from.
Let me know if you find the magical parenting wand that keeps them safe….I’d pay a fortune for one!!!
This thought has crossed my mind as well, and made me realize that those times I may not have been so nice to some kids back in the day may come back to haunt me. I’m also actually kind of afraid that I won’t be able to refrain from saying something really mean to a kid who hurts my daughter, that the Momma Bear claws will just come out! Or worse, what if I’m afraid to rock the boat with another parent and don’t say anything, thinking it was just a small incident and it actually sends my child the signal that she deserved to be treated poorly or that I don’t care. Hopefully some of the resilience required to stand up to bullies is inherited, because if that’s the case, she should make out fairly well. I also firmly believe that nurturing a strong sense of self will help too.