This weekend we were in a party haze, especially my daughter. It wasn’t something we consciously decided but circumstances created. Friday night sleepover, two birthday parties on Saturday where she knew only the Birthday girl, get together on Saturday night with another family, Birthday party on Sunday and Oscar party on Sunday night. My daughter is 6. Not 16 but 6. By the end of the Oscar party she was totally overstimulated and it showed.
I totally got it. I knew what was making her crazy and I knew why she lost her mind the minute we got home and started yelling and eventually crying. But my husband didn’t. Maybe it’s a girl thing? Not only was her dad embarrassed by her public display of frustration but he could not understand why she couldn’t control herself. This, bizarrely, was after a frustrated outburst of his own directed toward her. My husband is very calm. He hardly ever yells. So when he does it is usually the result of holding in some major frustration and ends in an explosion. This is exactly what happened on Sunday.
My daughter was freaked out which only added fuel to an already very healthy fire. I just couldn’t get how a 40 year-old man could be so irritated with a 6 year-old who couldn’t control her emotions when he had just lost it himself. I get the fact that she was losing control and I get the fact that it was beyond irritating but I also know that we shouldn’t have been so surprised and we should actually have been impressed that a) she held it together until the end and b) she faced some major stuff this weekend – sleeping over at a house she had never slept at before, going to two parties where she knew almost no one without complaint. Big deals when you’re 6.
However my husband is convinced that she “has to learn” and he is concerned that her behaviour is outside of the scope of normal so, I ask you, fellow moms, what do you think? Should I be concerned? Should I address her behviour and follow-up with consequences? Are emotional outbursts a sign of something more sinister? Please, help me put this in perspective because maybe he’s right and I’m not seeing it clearly.
My opinion? In situations like this we have no further to look for a cause than the mirror. When we ask too much of our children (and you acknowledge that you did so in this case) then we need to be prepared to face the consequences ourselves. Bravo to your little girl for holding it all together until she reached the emotional safe haven of your home – to me that is totally appropriate behaviour.
How many times have we sat and smiled and gritted our teeth at meetings, etc. and then come home and unloaded our frustrations on our partners? It’s seen as an acceptable response and is understood in that context. Why should it be different for your little girl?
I have a friend who always had one excellent piece of parental advice: “you make your own mess”. Whether that means cleaning up the crayon on the walls after leaving your toddler alone for 30 minutes, or dealing with an emotional meltdown after a very demanding day with a six year-old, it still holds true.
Coming at this from the Dad’s side (I won’t be defending them here – sorry Dads) I often felt the need to control my kids behaviour in public. What I’ve discovered is that my emotional response to their outbursts was triggered by memories of my parents/grandparents berating me for ‘acting up’ in public. Children of our generation (I’m 40 too) were to be seen – not heard. We need to start to follow our hearts and let a 6 year old act like a 6 year old. Best wishes to you and yours… from a former angry dad.
You guys are totally right. We definitely need to address the behaviour. I guess my feeling is that in the middle of a meltdown is not the time. Once she has had a good night sleep and is calm, then we can talk about strategies for next time.
As my kids are younger than yours, I should probably just butt out, because I haven’t been there yet. But my initial thought is that it may be somewhere between you & your husband. Yes you have to be aware that when a child has burned the candle at both ends (or has had to), that they just don’t have the coping strategies that we have acquired as adults. As such, some leeway seems necessary. But it is also our job as parents to use that moment to acknowledge that even though you are spent (emotionally or physically) it just isn’t right to lash out. Which of course we have to lead by example (easier said than done). I keep telling myself that the only thing worse than a 3 & 1/2 yr old having a tantrum is his Mom (or Dad) having one!!
Don’t dwell on it too much. If you find yourself in a similar situation try to head it off both you & your hubby as a united front.
Jen, I’ve so been there. My six year old has had similar moments when over-stimulation, lack of sleep and/or social stresses have just been too much to handle and off she goes.
I fully agree that, as much as we’re able, parents should be conscious of how much we throw our kids into at this age. I’ve also come to realize that, in our family anyway, weekends need to be as stress-free as possible so we can refresh ourselves as a family and reconnect. While it doesn’t mean eliminating all events on weekends, we try our best to keep them to a minimum. It’s helped.
I can also sympathize with your husband to a degree – I am a bit of a passive aggressive so I can hold it together for just so long and then wham! Arg!! But, hopefully I keep things in check reasonably well (at least in public!), especially with hubby offering a (often frustratingly) balanced and calm perspective on the situation to help keep me grounded.
Just make sure you let your daughter know that you understand it’s hard being a girl sometimes!! 🙂
As a mom of a 10 year old and a 7 year old (both girls) I have this to add. I once heard that the ability to reason with a child e.g. they understand cause and effect develops fully at around age 8. I think with my older one I recognized this milestone at the time. So basically, trying to reason with an upset child under the age of 8 is generally difficult … maybe this is totally fictitious so if you’re a development psychologist, go ahead and refute it….
I think most outbursts of younger children can be controlled by parents understanding children’s limits. I know when I push the envelope with my little one, it’s when we have problems. And that’s my fault, not hers. I’m the one that pushed the envelope – I deserve what I get.
Sounds like yours endured a lot in a weekend. I would give your little one a break on that – maybe talk to them about how better to express their frustration, but not really do more than that. And next time know that they don’t do well with so much going on and be ready for it or prioritize activities and not try to do everything.
It’s no fun to miss events – but it is sometimes what’s best for the kids.