Now that I have your attention. I am wondering if any of the married folk are having sex ?
If so how often? Is it meeting with your needs or are you wanting more than you are getting? Would you rather file your taxes? Has your sex drive gone the way of the dodo bird? Do you crave it or jump into bed and pretend to sleep while partner comes up the stairs?
Many of you have seen the rash of current stories in the news stating declarations from married women who claim that they would be very happy to pay someone to sleep with their husbands. As though it is a further brokering out of just one more of life’s nasty little jobs and perturbances- cleaning lady for the toilets, gardener for the weeds, groceries delivered, gifts wrapped by someone else, prepared foods, children cared for by someone else and take out fornication.
BOO HOO.
This more than a bit sad.
I remember sitting around a table once with married girlfriends and one of them saying a bit embarrassed that she finds her own husband extremely attractive. As though this is not the way it should be, that everyone should be repulsed or at a minimum, disinterested, by now.
Every now and then, much to the chagrin of intimate restaurant operators, my friends, after too much chardonnay, and I will draw on the paper table coverings in front of each us a PETER METER. I came up with this because I am a visual learner. It is to indicate to the group how much sex you are having. The bigger the Peter the better/more frequent the current sex life.
There is an assumption that everyone is telling the truth. Its a scouts honour thing.
Occasionally there is someone with no Peter visible to the naked eye. Contributing factors may include recent separation, new baby, illness in the family and exhaustion. However, re-occurence of wee willy is a bit disturbing.
If your dear friend said to you – I am not feeding my children and I keep them up all night– you would be outraged. This is neglect. This is absence of duty of care. This is a travesty.
But if intimacy is a non negotiable need in the hierarchy of needs, and there is an extended absence of it in any partnership, how is that any different? How long can a marriage survive without it? Isn’t a friend telling you “we never have sex anymore” throwing up a red flag that something is truly wrong ?
There is much to discuss on the topic.
There are differences in “needs” and appetites. There is the outrageous and -if you believe in God- a somewhat amusing pairing of opposites when you look at men and women living together. Men, we are told, bond through intimacy, women, it is said, need to feel a whole shopping list of things in order to get in the mood. Do you see the massive struggle?
First women need to feel seen and heard. We need to feel connected and not taken for granted. We need to talk, laugh and feel alive. Already it sounds like we are whining. But it is the truth.
While men retreat to the cave to work things out, we need a chalk talk and a thorough discussion on every point and issue. If you think I am insulting men- please reconsider. I think I envy them.
I have a friend who always felt that she would never turn her husband away. We nicknamed her Mother Theresa but she has a good marriage perhaps due in large part to this. A clever man I know, comes home every Friday with a small bouquet of flowers and a little note describing the things his wife did that week that made a difference in his life. He does this even when he doesn’t feel like it, even in rough patches. (I think I am in love with him.You too right?)
Remember the wisdom of loving that person even when you are not sure you feel like it. Maybe making love means making it as in manufacturing it, at times.
I want to hear from you. Are you one of those people who would pay someone to sleep with your spouse? Or are you happy with your sex life- and if so what is the magic number of times per week? What puts you in the mood? (see What is foreplay to you?) What kills the mood?
Come on – there is a magic little anonymous button on every comment if you are feeling shy.
WOW – some of you are being mauled???
I wish my fiancee and I have been together 8 years now and we almost have no sex, not even groping….
He has issues he says, I believe him. No desire for any type of sexual activity….
And no he won’t seek help or take drugs
We cuddle some but not nearly enough. It’s a huge issue for me. He knows and brings it up even. I have a very big sex drive but love him to no end.
So enjoy what you have ladies….I know I enjoy everything I can get!
😉
While I think that this is a really healthy discussion, the one really sad issue that I am seeing in a lot of these posts are the assumptions or the thinking that their spouse is one way or another.
Rather than dwell on such negative thoughts, why not take a step back, sit down with them and try talking it out? I can guarantee you that this stereotype of the ‘cave-dweller’ is extremely shortsighted and somewhat naive. Again, stop with the stereotypes and the assumptions and try some simple communication. And before someone states that men don’t like to talk about things openly, again stop and think hard if you are generalizing again.
I really hope that a lot of the individuals that left the negative comments about their relationships with their spouses get things back on track.
You think emotions aren’t involved for men? For most men, sex with their wife is how he shares his emotions with her. He uses his body to tell her how much he loves her.
In my opinion sleeping with someone else to get back at your husband who you feels hates you, is not a good choice. There are consequences that will come with that choice that may not be so desirable. I do agree that something needs to be done. With every story there are two sides. I would be curious to see how your husband feels about the fact that you have taken on “his” role of supporting the family. How does that make him feel as a man? Yes, I know it sounds very old-fashioned. But some guys get all their self-worth through their job and ability to support their family. If he feels like he has no self-worth then how could he possibly treat anyone else with love?… just a thought….get some help.
Sex is a very important part of our relationship. We have sex on average 5 times a week (I’ve been keeping track as we were trying to conceive)
Here’s how I see it – I don’t particularly care for doing laundry. However, to make my family happy and healthy, I have to do laundry. I have a sense of satisfaction doing it, but it doesn’t exactly feel great to do it, you know? Sex, can be seen as a chore too, but it keeps your family happy and healthy, and at least when you do it you feel great! So on the odd time I am not in the mood and husband makes a move, I pretend to be into it. It only takes me a minute or two for my body to respond and then I’m really into it and it’s great.
However, I love my husband. Really, really love him. I can’t imagine not wanting him and not wanting to love him that way.
When my husband and I were dating we used to have long make-out sessions, and I said to him ‘if married couples kissed for just 5 minutes a day, they would never get divorced’….I think it’s true. We still take time to passionately kiss for several minutes every day (sex or no sex) and it just fills my soul!
OMG I totally agree. I keep reading about and listening to women who don’t want sex. I am a woman. I like sex and would like more of it. My husband doesn’t and is perfectly happy if we never had sex. Every now and then when I bring up the topic, we end up having token sex. This would be maybe once in two or three months. I estimate that we have sex about 4 times a year on average. Totally frustrated!! I have a toddler boy though (I am amazed that he was even conceived with our infrequent sex) and he is a good dad. So it’s not something where I can pack up and go. Maybe counseling would help? I don’t know…
I hate to be so hard but either make it work and bury the hatchet or move on. Have you tried counseling? Do you even want to try to make it work anymore? If not then do yourself both a favor and “woman up” to the decision that it’s time to move on.
re: mary | May 19, 2011 1:52 PM | Reply
I hope you take this in a very constructive way…
The anger that you have for the person you are with tells me one thing, you shouldn’t be with them. I am not certain if it’s a self confidence issue that keeps you with someone that makes you that miserable and someone you have so very little respect for but for whatever reason it is, get help, get it together and leave him. Do something (or someone if that’s what it takes) to give yourself the boost to understand that there is so much more to life than being angry and downtrodden.
Leave him, do both of you a favor!
My mom gave this one piece of advice that really encompasses it all… when a marriage is going good – sex is a small part of the whole; when a marriage is going bad – sex is a big part of the whole. Which basically means – sex in a marriage is really important and should be treated as such. And if you’re not in the mood, then you need to find out why – communicate it to your husband to give him the chance to turn this around back into his favor.
For example: I’m not in the mood because I always have to do supper, clean up after, fold clothes, put the baby to sleep and I need time to myself and I don’t get it.
In my case my husband offered to clean up after supper, let me watch what I wanted on tv and took a couple of nights of putting baby to sleep so I could have more time to myself and feel more relaxed for sex. And – I now get full body rubs – head to toe before sex (and I’m not talking about 5 minutes – its for as long as I want) and I get leg rubs daily – without promise of sex. Not a bad deal.
It’s not perfect… but it’s communication.
Last night my husband asked if we could have sex – but he had grunted at me earlier when I asked him to change the load of laundry. So I told him: after barking at me like that I’m not in the mood. But I told him that he had a couple of hours before bedtime to change that around and that he needed to bring his “A” GAME. And he did and he got lucky. =)
“While men retreat to the cave to work things out”. Just to be clear this is a huge stereotype, which I wish would stop being propagated. If you think because your man is not sharing with you perhaps you should consider what barriers between you two are preventing that and what is making him feel like he can’t connect to you. If you don’t you will find more and more often that he is sharing with those that he can connect, his buddies at the pub, his friends at work and hell even that cute blonde down the street. I think by allowing yourself to think that there is this imaginary barrier of entry between your emotions and his emotions you give yourself the free pass to just neglect his needs and focus on your own. This goes beyond sex, it goes beyond talking and it goes more towards connecting on whatever levels that you both need to feel like you are in a loving caring relationship. If you don’t believe this then you could ask yourself why he decided to become involved with you in the first place?
Having been through one divorce I can’t stress enough how important it is to make sex a priority in a healthy relationsip. Not the only priority and not always a top priority but a priority none the less. Like many of you I have a demanding full time job and three kids 17, 16, and 3! It does make having an active sex life very much like preforming as a circus juggler does – but oh so worth it. Sometimes he is not in the mood – Sometimes I’m not in the mood, or we’d just rather just sleep… but once things start it’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment and forget the dishes in the sink and the laundry piling up and the report that still has to be written. Stress is deminished, serotonin is released, you have completed a mini indoor workout and the two of you feel just a little closer!!!
It is kinda like not feeding the goldfish. Sure you can get away with it for a while but then one day you walk in and that poor little blob is floating belly up and the whole thing gets flushed!
his company closed-he sat around doing NOTHING,NOTHING constructive anyway, well he fished everyday for months on end but i don’t consider that constructive, i worked, i did overtime,i shopped, cooked and cleaned when i had 5 minutes to myself, he would say he was ready, then go to sleep while i still had a dozen things to do. i now have arthritis in my neck and back, (my job is very heavy, i am the only girl on my shift doing this job) still work over 40 hours a week, he (after a 3 year hiatus) is back to work takes days off whenever the mood strikes if he isnt sleeping it’s because he is fishing or hunting,while i continue to do all the extras, i can’t take a day off because ‘we’ needed a new truck i am sore all the time and when i have 5 minutes to myself you guessed it, EVERY DAY it’s the same damn thing and when i complain that i need some me time he is insulted, jealous, demanding and down right immature, would i pay someone to have sex with him? NO! that would mean i’d have to work more OT! how about men starting to think more about intimacy than the act? if i came home and he had cooked or done some dishes,taken out the garbage, etc. i would be less stressed with the mental to do list in my head. it’s not that i don’t want to it’s just with my busy schedule i don’t want to every day! It would be nice if we did other stuff together like going to a movie, out for a drink, hell just go for a walk after dinner I feel a LOT of resentment towards him and it’s hard to get in the mood and be intimate with someone you feel doesnt care about you only what he can get from you. I hope men everywhere read this so they can stop scratching their heads and WAKE UP! It’s about respect and caring, if a friend treated me this badly i wouldnt call her again!
Mom2girls1974 – I can’t believe there is someone else out there with my situation. I really thought I was the only one as no one else I talk to has this problem. I’m sorry that you have been going through this for so long!
I don’t want to be celibate at 36 but I think we’re heading in that direction. I just don’t get it. Can’t live like this forever. I know he loves me, but I need the physical part as well.
@jmak I hear you big time on the like/love issue.
We all have stressors in our lives. I would have to say that money/childcare fees are just huge issues because we have no time together. DH works full time days and nearly full time nights and is up til all hours. He’s always exhausted. Until my son was 6, he didn’t sleep through the night, so between the two kids, I never slept more than two hours in a row for 7 years. Now, most nights are relatively wake free, so long as NOBODY is sick or coughing or throwing up and it’s not allergy season with coughing and nosebleeds at night, lol.
For many years, my days were min. 18hrs straight and weekends I never sat down, still don’t, unless in the car. Years of trying to get both kids naps in, various other issues they have had, then the social drama rama.. it’s very draining. It’s even more draining as they get older and are emotionally distraught.
My ‘work work’ and my work as a mom are both undervalued. I am sure he thinks I have a princess complex. I work from home and it’s just hard to prove to anyone who doesn’t, just how hard one works in this situation. I am always very underpaid for my efforts but have no alternatives, due to not having before school care (despite 5yrs on a waitlist). I can’t move because then I would have no childcare afterschool, either. All my money goes into childcare and I still can’t keep up. I am not seeing my kids and I still fail to earn enough to pay the bills. I am always toggling between past due amounts, fielding calls from bill collectors, negotiating subsidies etc. It’s very disheartening. It would certainly be easier and less taxing emotionally to be paid fairly at the least. But freelancers are never paid fairly – or on time for that matter.
So when both parties feel unloved and unappreciated, both parties are running on empty, phyically and emotionally and both parties don’t ever have a dime for all their efforts.. it’s just exhausting all round. There is a entire gulf of dislike that is hard to impossible to cross and that would be presuming both parties are communicative and open and capable of falling in love with each other again. Big assumption after over a decade of distance and more distance, aggravation and frustration, missed expectations and disappointments and just a general feeling of no longer knowing who the person is who you mated with.
I know I should do more, try harder, be more generous etc. But it is way more easier said than done. I used to put more work into forcing ‘healthy’ conversations to facilitate the warmth and attraction, but the truth is, years of total exhaustion zapped that right away.
Wow, I love being with husband, we have 3 kids from 8mnths-9years and we both work, but he does half the houshold chores and child rearing maybe that is why. I mean my friends are always complaining that their men don’t do this or that or come home and sit around and watch tv and they are exhausted. I am not! Of course there are days we would rather sleep but, after nine years together we still make time for sex every week and I can’t imagine it any other way.
Wow! Sounds like our husbands went to the same school of intimacy lol
I’d totally pay to have someone take this CHORE away from my never-ending list of things to do!! Sad but true!
Mom2three you are singing my song! This has been my house for a good ten years, and it is way worse than your situation, we are going on a good year since anything happend – even a nice kiss. He is just not interested at all. I know he loves me, but I do wonder sometimes what is up, if he gets it elswhere, if he has some major hormone issues, not sure. He is the sweetest guy, but I did not intend to be celebat at my age, for the rest of my life, it just plane sucks to be honest.
Ok really, we are supposed to find our spouses sexy,attractive…. Some of us may of changed since marriage but, not us, my husband and I still say “love you, sweetie, hon” and we are affectionate, even in public. Yes at times it may not be the moment that I would like to have sex but we are still doing it and will be till the end. And that happens at least 2-3 times if not more during the week. Some times might just be a quickie, but others when we know there will be no interruptions will last longer. Be like you were when you dated, don’t think that since you are married, kids, comfortable in life and don’t want anyone to bug you. Remember you married this person, were physically attracted to one another….keep it going, it really just gets better. Know what you like and tell him what to do!! Enjoy!!
jmak – I feel completely the same! I work full time managing a business, go home to mother my kids while my husband works part time on an opposite schedule. I’m “mothering” people at work all day, mothering my kids all evening, plus cooking, cleaning & hardly any date nights I am EXHAUSTED all the time! I couldn’t care less sometimes if I never had sex again, which sounds horrible when I say it out loud. I need to feel connected to get in the mood & unfortunately I rarely feel that way.
We are not. We haven’t really since our first was born 10+ years ago. 2 more kids followed, as did more and more excuses. All from her. … I’m tired. I didn’t shower. Period. Bad day. Kids put me out of the mood. Always followed by “tomorrow I will”. Rinse. Repeat.
I’m gonna guess that in the last 10+ years, she has initiated 3 times. Every other time it has been me. And I would estimate I am rejected 5 times in 6 (and I have basically quit asking… we were down to maybe 5 times a year). Imagine what that does to a man’s self confidence! I slowly came to realize that she likes having me around, she just doesn’t want me.
Just like going to Paris, you do things for your spouse even if you don’t really want to. And really, is sex all that bad? If its important to you, or your spouse, figure it out. “Maybe making love means making it as in manufacturing it, at times.” You are driving them away, and I guarantee they are getting it elsewhere. Maybe solo, maybe not. Maybe for free, maybe not. Maybe a stranger, maybe not. Maybe your house, maybe not.
You might think this is a ranting tirade, but it is not. I am only confirming what Nancy says above … this is “throwing up a red flag that something is truly wrong ?”
Fix your issues (personal, spousal, or couples) before it s too late.
Im also a mother of three and the sole supporter of the family. With all of the stresses of life…kids, homework, cooking, cleaning, work, overtime, $$$…the last thing I want to do is be intimate. I have no time for myself and quite frankly I love my husband but I don’t like him at times. I need to feel more appreciated and I need help. Sex feels like a reward and one that I don’t feel he deserves all the time. This sounds bad..but for men emotions aren’t involved in sex when for me it is everything.
Wow its like you live my life, I need to feel appreciated too!! Not just groped… men just don’t get it!
I would have to say at this point I would rather do anything but… I am a mother of a 6 month old who is sleep deprived, and has a husband who thinks my time home is a vacation. Sex is the very last thing on my mind. I think if I saw more support from him I would feel more open to it, but right now I just see him as one more thing that needs taking care of and I am spent…
I wish we had more sex!!! Everything I read is about the husband wanting more and it’s the wife with the low sex drive. What about the cases where the wife has the high sex drive and it’s the husband who seems to have no desire. It’s been like this for a few years and I’m tired of it. If it was up to me, we’d have sex a few times a week (don’t think that’s too much to ask!). I think we’ve had it once in the past three months. We talk about it every now and then but it doesn’t change. He’s stressed at work, he wants it to be spontaneous (we have 3 kids), etc. Wish I knew what to do…
I know my husband thinks there isn’t enough sex happening 🙂 If he had his way it would be every night, sometimes twice.
Me? I’m good with just a few times a week. Frankly, I’m exhausted by the end of the night and I need some major foreplay to get me in the mood. Which takes time…which makes it later…and me more tired 🙂
I think hubby and I need a weekend away from everything to recharge!
Where are the people out there that the original post talks about? I can’t be the only one who would rather sleep, read, watch TV, be alone in the shower. With 3 kids, 10 and under, I get mauled enough all day long…I need some personal space at night. I’m tired. If we manage to get away from the house for a weekend, then maybe, the mood might be there…IF I manage to feel special on that weekend. He’s great with the kids and helps by carting the older ones to many of their activities so that the toddler can go to bed at a reasonable time, but the only time I get flowers is last minute on Mother’s Day. It’s not really about the flowers or tokens though. Time to myself to recharge is sparse and I just don’t come out of most days feeling special and appreciated. Foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day…it is NOT walking up behind me when I’m trying to get something done and grabbing my boobs or trying to French kiss me with your hands down the back of my pants in front of the kids. I don’t find it exciting to risk getting caught by them…that’s a complete turn off for me. And if you walk in the door and snap at me because you had a crappy day, forget it, it’s off. I could happily live with only a handful of times per year, if that. But, unfortunately, that’s an issue for him so I foresee counselling in our future.
I think couples can still have wonderful sex even after being married for more than 20 years as long as they keep it interesting like a weekend hobby.
I love it Sara! Come on Marianne put something together for Sara. She is awesome.
Marianne does Nick have a brother?
Who knew that with a teenager in the house, sex has now become the same as when we were teenagers ourselves – hidden moments praying no one hears you or catches you in the act. That’s how to spice things up 20 years later (sorry to my sister who reads this). I still look at Nick and wonder just how I ended with the best, most amazing man ever. Me, of all people. Believe me, I don’t take a second for granted. We may be having less sex due to logistics but baby, when it’s on, it’s on – even if it is 5am!
my friend’s late mother said the same thing. it is a good quote, sara, thanks for bringing it up.
One of my married friends said
‘if sex isn’t an issue in your marriage – it’s only 10% of it BUT if it is an issue it’s 80% of it’ – sounds very, VERY wise to me!!!!!!!!
I was waiting to hear from you! Excellent points all of them.
“but don’t let a marriage go for lack of trying”- I like this.
I think a healthy sex-life is such an important factor in making a successful, happy marriage. I don’t know that we have a magic number per week – timing wavers with whatever else is going on in your lives together (and apart) but in my case, we talk about what’s happening with us, if we’re not in an “on” phase… the reasons are almost always external. Overloaded by kids, house, stuff…
I feel fortunate to be married to someone who can articulate feelings and ideas. Though we generally spend our (short) evenings together, NOT discussing money and children and work (or, not a lot anyway) and though we stay connected and close, sometimes we really just need to have a few dates outside of our house to feel sexy. Sometimes it’s nice to see your spouse out of your daily context, interacting with other people too, so you can be reminded of all the ways you’re drawn to this person in the first place. Sometimes you just need a change of clothes… it’s amazing how staid and unsexy the same jeans and t-shirt can be,no matter how clean and presentable one is to everyone else.
Sometimes there’s not much happening at all. Sometimes it’s happening every single day for a while… it’s all good. 😉
When I divorced, one of the things I felt I had to offer was advice to my married friends.
My advice was, and still is “Work on your marriage, don’t take it for granted, and MAKE the time to enjoy SEX with your husband” you know how they say that when an airplane is going down, take care of yourself first, then your family; that is true for marriages too, because if you don’t put your relationship first, your marriage and your family as you know it is going down. That may be a good thing, but fight for it first, then decide to cut your losses if it is not the right thing, but don’t let a marriage go for lack of trying, let it go because it is the right thing to do.