I have some rules around communication for my 11 year-old son. They were established when he first got his cell phone. Actually, that’s not totally true. They were established when his friends first got their cell phones. Until that point we really didn’t need any rules because he barely used the thing. It was for emergencies and, with no one to contact but me, that’s what he stuck to.
My boy and his phone.
But as soon as his pals started texting and calling we needed to make the boundaries clear. Here are a few of the important ones:
- No phones upstairs. This is to prevent bedtime texting. I know with absolute certainty that his friends sneak their phones upstairs and text at all hours. The critical thing about this is that it applies to everyone in the house. My iPhone stays downstairs too.
- Stay connected. The purpose of the phone is to inform me where he is. This was actually the whole point of the thing in the first place and as long as I am paying for it then I ask that he checks in regularly.
- I do spot checks. I will read his texts on occasion. I have, in fact, only done this a handful of times when a) I remember and b) I suspect that something is up and I am not getting the whole story.
- Respect. Don’t text something you wouldn’t say in person (this applies to facebook too). Think about your values and how something could be perceived out of context. This is VERY tough but I can already see my thoughtful guy rising above some of the petty goings on of his peers.
- Only one screen at a time. If you are watching TV put your phone and iTouch and laptop away. Focus on one thing at a time.
However, recently, he has been questioning #3 – The Spot Checks. I stand by my decision to have the option to check his texts but it is a fine line between keeping an eye out or my finger on the pulse and invading his privacy. He is at an age where he is developing relationships that I know little about and that is the way it should be. Is it really important for me to see his texts with his latest little “girlfriend”? Is it fair? I have such a great relationship with him that I don’t want to risk this by being (or being perceived as) nosey.
But, on the other hand, he is not even 12 years-old and I am concerned that he still, on occasion, needs some guidance in these matters. I feel that it is tough enough navigating the real life social changes that happen at this age but throw in technology and mom needs to keep her eye out.
So, I am torn. I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him or that I am simply meddling but I feel that he is still too young to be left to his own devices. What is your experience? What would you do?