I’m going through a transition. Well, multiple actually but I’m referring to a particular parenting shift with my son. This, of course, has not happened over night. In fact it has been happening in subtle ways since he was born. But it has now reached a point where I have to make some major decisions about what kind of mother I am and think hard about what message I am sending him.
You see, my son is nearly 10. He and his pals are moving toward independence rapidly. He is confident and keen about life. He is also very trustworthy and practical. Other than losing track of time a few times he is always where he says he is going to be and calls when plans change. But I still get this pang when I’m not 100% sure where he is at every moment. I resist because I know it is the right thing to do. How can I expect him to trust himself, or me, if I don’t trust him?
Other than the fact that he is half of my heart and I would die a million times over if anything happened to him I have absolutely no reason not to relax the boundaries and let him explore. But I get strange looks from some moms when I tell them about his adventures to friend’s houses or his trip to the candy store with pals or his short jaunt to school. They are shocked that I let him out of my sight. “What if something were to happen?!” they exclaim with horror in their eyes. And I respond “Well, you can’t live your life like that. He’s ready and I trust him. Eventually he is going to have to venture out in to the world and this, I guess, is a good start.” Looks of HORROR I’m telling you. Judging eyes telling me I am too lenient; negligent.
Of course, these aren’t the only opinions. At least a few other kids have the freedom mine does and the parents share a similar philosophy – if you believe in them, they will believe in themselves. I don’t want my guy to live in fear thinking the world is a big, scary place. I want him to approach his life with excitement, taking risks and learning from his mistakes.
But, do I have what it takes to do this? Can I be the mom I aspire to be? Because, truth be told, it takes a lot more nerve to let go than to hold on. I would love to decide his every move and make the “right” decisions for him but I know this is selfish. And, for those of you who think I take it lightly, you’re wrong. I worry. But I know that at least part of the reason he is confident and secure is because he has the room to explore and be himself. Wouldn’t it be selfish and cowardly of me to deny him that?
Good for you. I taught my son to Kayak when he was about 7 by giving his boat a good shove out into the lake. “How am I going to get back!” he bellowed. “You’ll figure it out!” I replied. (To clarify it was shallow, a calm day he was in his PFD etc etc…. WHY do I feel the need to add that disclaimer?)
We can’t keep them under glass without suffocating them.
FYI The ULTIMATE helicopter parent was Douglas Mac Arthur’s Mother. When he was accepted to West Point Military Academy his mother booked a room at the Hotel Thayer on Campus and set up house keeping for 4 years till he graduated. She could see his dorm room window from her bedroom. She would regularly sneak him cookies by leaving a wrapped parcel at a certain statue.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_MacArthur
Well, Jen, you know how I feel about this! These little guys are not little any more — they are ready to be trusted and to try out their independence. I was reamed out by another parent after my grade 4 daughter dared to ask permission about what his daughter was and was not allowed to do (because better my kid should just go ahead and break their rules, right? great message). He too was horrified that my daughter could actually explore the neighbourhood on her bike with a friend. Best rebuttal was from my 13-year-old son — “Ha! He should just wait till she’s 12!” Indeed.
I was chastised by another mom when I asked her to send my son home from a playdate on his own (they live a block away). She actually said, “I could never do that! Don’t you remember the nine-year old girl who was murdered in Toronto a few years ago?” Hysteria, judgement and overprotectiveness all wrapped into one comment.
What will be interesting (for you and in a few more years for me) is whether we’re able to allow our daughters the same amount of freedom.
I hear ya! I let my ten year old ride his bike and “explore” and that seems cool with most of those judging mom types, but when I tell them I leave him at home sometimes to pick up another kid or run to the video store, and those mom types are shocked! Why is that? Isn’t he safer in his own home with locked doors and access to phones than he is riding a bike in the hood? Growing pains no matter how we slice it..
As the mother of an 11 year old boy I can appreciate your uncertainty about what to say yes to, what is not yet safe, meeting your son where he is and respecting his intelligence and awareness.
I let my son do things now that I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying yes to only a year ago. The way he grows, matures and changes makes it easier for me to have faith in his own sensibilities.
Hear, hear!
I sometimes feel the bite of silent disapproval from the “helicopter moms” I know (you know, they’re always hovering…), but I agree that we need to give them space to explore the world if we expect them to be confident in it as they grow up.