While my husband and I were on vacation in England and staying with my "little" sis and her hubby we attended a party at their place. Also in attendance was baby Cassandra. The first born to Keith and Angela she is a sweet and smiley little beauty who normally relaxes and zonks straight into sleep. Not so on the night we met. On this particular evening Cassie was up for a party. However, truth be told, the kid needed some sleep. By the time she would normally be sleeping she was putting up a bit of a fuss and Mom and Dad were at loose ends. Well, it was visiting Canadian "Aunt Jen" to the rescue! I was more than willing to take that squishy, cuddly, delicious little bundle into my arms.
My son was such a HORRIBLE sleeper and could NEVER relax (btw, at 9 he still has trouble) so I have had tons of practice. I am well versed on the rock and jiggle. It is not a smooth and gentle motion but a slightly hysterical, hypnotizing bouncing similar to a roller coaster or surfing excursion. Within minutes little Cassie was mesmerized and soon fast asleep.
Not surprising, this prompted jeers and questions from the crowd such as "So, when are you having #3?!" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and "Watch out {hubby}! She has that look." To be honest with you I was a bit surprised. I was strangely unnerved by the fact that I just did not have that urge. I had no ache or secret craving for a new little bundle of my own.
I’ve done this twice before and my two are wonderful little people. I am really enjoying the fact that my kids and I can have a conversation and DO things together. I sometimes feel a bit nostalgic for the days of breastfeeding and lullabies but I really have no desire to start that all over again. And for some reason that really made me sad. So much of my young adulthood I have had that baby ache. My "plan" was always to have babies. Now that I’ve done that and am really done I feel a little nostalgic. A little at loose ends.
Maybe this is just part of the evolution of motherhood or womanhood or something. I’m not sure. But what I do know is that the ache is definitely gone because if ever I would have felt it again it would have been while snuggling and cuddling that beautiful little bundle.
I could have written that whole post myself and not changed a word. Oh, except for the part about my 8.5-year old present day sleep patterns.
And I know the hysterical, crazy jiggle. I would sit on the edge of the bed and bounce while moving them around back and forth and with some vibration. So, up, down, back, forth and vibration. Also? Would have to put #2 in a sling and walk around FAST for up to 6 hours before she’d sleep deeply enough for me to put her down and pee, shower, or get something for her brother to eat without having to listen to her cry.
Why don’t I want to go back? Don’t think too hard on it.
But I miss their cheeks and their breastfed yeasty poops and their baby smiles. Like you, though, I’m finding it to be very rewarding having conversations with them and teaching them real stuff.
congratulations on your beautiful niece – she really is gorgeous. my new baby is now over three months and i feel that newborn phase slipping fast. i know this is my last (and am this time taking the necessary steps to ensure it!)and I’m consciously savouring every moment. i’m simultanesoul loving every minute, and looking ahead to what you mentioned – traveling, conversing with, and doing thigns with my kids.
the ache is gone for me. which makes me a little sad, but also glad that now we, as a family of 5, can move into that next stage of life. the one that includes sleep and doesn’t include diapers!
I think it’s all part of a process. I have moments where I long, a little or a lot, for another baby, but I don’t know that it just switches off entirely for any of us. At one point it was all I thought about, then it was more a possibility that was still open, then it became less and less attractive until now I know in my mind that it’s best for my baby-having days to be over, but I still relish with all my heart the days I did have with my two babies.
It’s funny how automatically that rocking baby walk comes back to us, isn’t it? I don’t feel done but after three high risk pregnancies, I think that I’d better stop. 🙁
I guess it all depends on where we are in our lives Jen. I envy you that the ache is gone for you. I have mine 24 hours a day and I still have a little 4 year old who needs naps and falls asleep in momma’s arms. I’m hoping my next little Gaffer is on its way somewhere out there soon and maybe I too can lay my ache to rest.