Have we all recovered from yesterday’s post yet? My siblings may still be attached to oxygen masks as we speak. How could I resist?
What isn’t an April Fools joke? Will is almost five. People said to pay attention because it goes by in a flash and instead of wanting to punch them, maybe I should have listened. It’s shocking.
The boy is surrounded by friends. He has collected a ton in his five years. He/we are totally fortunate on that front. As he gets older, so do his friends, some of whom are pushing the ripe old ages of seven and eight.
And when one is that age, never having seen a dad with Will becomes slightly more obvious. And they, rightfully so, become curious.
This weekend was the first. “Sara, does Will have a dad?”. Hmmm. How to answer. I sort of froze and said, ‘Not really sweetheart, he just has me.’ She looked at me oddly and went back to drawing. I went over to her mom, slugged back some wine and said, ‘I think you’ll need to have a little biology chat later.’
I didn’t sleep well that night. I tried to figure out in my mind how to explain it to kids and if now was the right time to start to talk to Will about it. I know every parent says this, but my kid is SMART. We’ve had a short talk about it before but I’m starting to think that now is a time to truly address it.
But how? And how much? And how do I answer other kids questions? To say that he doesn’t have a father isn’t true but what if they’re still operating under the stork theory? It would seem like outing Santa as a fraud.
Maybe I just keep it to a simple, ‘everyone has a dad, but some dads are only there to help a mom become a mom.’ UGH. Brain. Spinning.
What do you think? Especially you parents of school age kids? What is a smart explanation?
Thanks for commenting in Chris!!!!
I’m a single mom by choice too.
My boys are almost 4 now. I already talk about them about not having a dad. We talk at the levels they understand. They know babies grow in tummies. They know that a baby can come out a ‘vagina’ or with the help of a doctor who cuts the mommy’s tummy (like mine). They also know that a doctor and a nice man helped me get pregnant. When we got to Science World in the biology section, they talk through this and point to each picture of the fetus growing into a baby. They understand at a 3 year old level what happens. As they get older, they will learn more.
We also talk a lot about different family types, single parents (mom or dad), divorced parents, same sex parents, traditional parents, step parents and even adoption.
Lots of great advice here Sara! I agree with Leanne that we tend to over-complicate things with kids. Just saying, “no, he doesn’t have a Dad” is enough. If pressed beyond that a simple, “that’s a question you should ask your own mom” will suffice.
When teaching human sexuality in Health to 10yo kids, I have to use the “dodge and deflect” response to questions ALL. THE. TIME.
Kind if like they tell you when they adopt.
Keep it simple. Answer the questions. As
much information as they can absorb.
The questions will get more complicated
when they are ready.
I’m of the “answer the question asked” camp too. I think it’s okay to say, “Nope! It’s just me and Will.” And you can add that you had “help” to become a mum, which is what you wanted.
In any case, it sounds like you have lot and lots of good people in your mix – Most kids would probably utter, “Oh,” and that will be the end of it.
Thanks Donna! I was hoping you’d add your input…and that photo exhibit looks great!
I just say that our family doesn’t have a Dad. They don’t seem to ask questions beyond that. Arielle has said it when I’m not around and told me later. She also wasn’t pressed any further. She soon will be 6.
I have been telling Arielle how she came into this world in little bits and pieces over the years. I have a couple of books I used and then related this to her own situation. So as much as she can know, she does know. We also hang out with some of her donor siblings so I’ve had to explain that aspect as well and she seems to ‘get it’ as much as she can.
As well, there’s lots of kids out there in circumstances where the father isn’t apparent – mother does all the pick up’s and drop off’s, dead beat dad etc. I don’t think you need to explain too much to the curious kiddies but just enough to satisfy them.
I also wanted to share this link with you but didn’t have your office e-mail. Perhaps it might interest you.
http://www.thestar.com/life/parent/2013/03/20/midlife_mothers_celebrated_in_travelling_photo_exhibit.html
That’s awesome advice Leanne – thanks! And I totally want that story!
The best parenting advice I believe I’ve received is to answer the question asked, and only the question asked. We can tend to put our spin on things as people and parents, and I’ll admit to over complicating things more than once as a parent (Sarah – if you ever want to hear a funny story about Double D’s and Jilly’s I’d be happy to prove my point and give you a good laugh.)
I was also adopted, so have had a few questions about who’s my daddy in my lifetime. Somehow I always knew this fact, which means my parents told me long before I ever fully comprehended the larger implications this could have. It also means I never felt shocked by one day learning this info.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that knowledge in small doses and at age appropriate levels, in my opinion is the best way to share with your kids.
I like Leslie’s answer but I wonder if all you really need to say is, “He doesn’t have a dad in the way you do. In our family it is just me and Will.” Then, if more questions are asked you could either refer them back to their own parent for the specifics on the biology side or, if you know the parents would be ok with it, say, “Every baby is made by a man and a woman but sometimes one of them is just there to help that mom become a mom or dad become a dad. That’s the way it was for me and Will. I wanted him so badly so someone helped me.”
I think beyond that you are going to have to wing it! It is ok to say to a child that you need to think about it and you will get back to them if they have a question you don’t know how to address. Sometimes that is enough. I have one very inquisitive question asker for a child and another who does not want a single detail about anything. You never know.
If you feel it is a good time and if people around Will are asking then it is probably time to start the conversation. Maybe you just make a simple statement and let him lead the way. He may be OK with basic info for a while or he may ask tons of questions. Keep us posted!
Totally – except that would a 7 year old knwo what a biological father is?
I think the answer is clear. Yes he has a biological father, but no he does not have a dad. And with you as a mom, nothing else matters!