Warning: today’s post will probably offend some of you… in a good way though, not like my previous post on defending men who sleep through a baby’s cries at night, which seems to have offended many of you in a bad way. 🙂
Since becoming a father, I’ve often asked my fellow parents for advice. But recently, I’ve been asking for advice less and less.
That’s because the advice I was receiving wasn’t helping. In fact, alot of it was starting to upset me, which is kind of the opposite of what you want advice to do. It was making me question my parenting skills and I’d often find myself getting really defensive. So I stopped asking.
But I came to a realization today. I’m not annoyed with the feedback itself. I’m annoyed at how it is presented to me. The packaging, if you will.
The way I see it, there are two kinds of advice givers out there. There are the Whatever works best for you advice givers and the You’re doing it all wrong advice givers.
The Whatever works best for you advice givers offer advice with the hope that it will help solve a problem, bring comfort to a parent of child, or enable a parent to think in a different direction. There is no judgement. They are just trying to help.
Then, we have the You’re doing it all wrong advice givers. From what I can tell, these commenters are looking to validate the approach they have taken with their child, make sense of any guilt they are living with, and believe that there is only one way to parent… their way.
Guess which type of advice giver I prefer?
Being a parent is a very personal experience. Each relationship between parent and child is unique; the circumstances are unique, the cause-and-effect outcomes are unique and the decision-making process is unique for every set of parents.
To assume that there is only one way of doing things is absurd, and so, offering a definitive solution to a problem because it worked for you is equally absurd.
Here’s a good example. My wife and I co-sleep (with our daughter, not with each other… although we also co-sleep with one another… I digress). This is not a decision we made lightly and we understand the social taboos that surround parents who make this choice.
We knowingly did it anyway. Gasp.
At first, I sought advice. And as a Dad, I found myself overcome by the taboo. Mainly because most of the advice I received was from You’re doing it all wrong advice givers.
They told me I should be ashamed of co-sleeping. “Dad’s need to make the tough choices.” “Do you ever want to have sex again?”
I also got some advice from Whatever works best for you advice givers. Only their advice was constructive, honest and without judgment. I even had some parents look over their shoulder before suggesting co-sleeping was the best decision they had made for their family. Clearly the taboo wasn’t only in my head.
We tried alot of the advice we received before settling on our current solution. We are satisfied, and this, despite the You’re doing it all wrong advice givers.
While I felt the need to defend our choice at first, I no longer feel the need to do so. Does this decision have drawbacks? Absolutely. What choice doesn’t? Does it have advantages? Far more than we can count. It is the right decision for us, philosophically and literally, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
As I said, in the end every decision we make for our kids is personal and no choice is a universal truth.
Please consider this when you are offering advice and choose your words carefully. Otherwise, you’d be doing it all wrong in my book.
It is hard, I can honestly say that I don’t ask either because the responses are usually rather harsh. I ask my Mom, and occasionally my MIL, but that’s about it, IMO it is just not worth it to venture beyond those boundaries. At least when I ask the Grammas for advice I know that their advice is based in love for me and their grandkids and is not advice dispensed to boost their self esteem by crushing mine. Co-sleeping isn’t something I would want for our family, but that doesn’t make it wrong and good for you doing what feels right.
It is also a fine line to walk when asked for advice too, my favorite piece of advice is to love your kids and trust yourself, you can do this, and hang on to every moment you can because it passes so quickly. I try so hard not to judge, I am far from perfect so what gives me the right?? Next time someone judges your choices harshly just ask them when the book tour is, because if they are such an expert they must have some sort of parenting book coming out…
Shawn,
Whatever works for you but you’re probably doing it wrong.
i think there’s too many external forces on us that we don’t realize what an instinct is an we doubt ourselves. as for co-sleeping, those car-aaazy people have some of the biggest families i have ever seen so there’s that arguement blown out of the water! i did it for convenience (nursing while lying down is a godsend) but at three months i was getting tired of knuckles to the head and co-shared the bedroom. worked for me…not for anyone else.
i only ever give two pieces of advice to new parents, use your own instincts and start living on one income NOW before the baby arrives. yes, you can do it even in the big smoke. (and no, not on a 6 figure salary)
Hallelujah Shawn! Trust yourself. In today’s society we don’t turn to ourselves and our instincts as parents often enough. It has gotten to the point that I will only share certain parenting decisions with people if I know they are from the “whatever works best” gang. Otherwise, I just keep it to myself. Been down the judgment and shame path with the “you’re doing it all wrong” crew a few too many times.
Btw, enjoy the time you have Pea’s little snuggly baby body in your bed. Those years are short, man.