So here’s the thing. I play a number of roles in this theatre of life, and one of the biggest ones is my role as a mother. I think it’s probably the most important job I’ll ever do. So I think about it. A lot. I spend a lot of time considering how I will handle situations that are sure to arise in my children’s future (adolescence, driving, their own facebook pages…), and I also spend a fair deal of time agonizing about how I handled situations that have already taken place (sleep, feeding, picking on younger siblings, quitting the soccer team…) I also try really, really hard not to judge other parents, and other mothers in particular. In the end, I like to think I have a pretty balanced view of life, my role as a parent and the relative importance of these to the rest of the world.
And that’s why I’m always amazed and even a little disturbed at the cult of parenthood that seems so prevalent in our culture today. I have a decent collection of friends on facebook, I follow loads more on twitter, and I am also no stranger to popular TV and parenting blogs. And it never ceases to blow my mind how much incredibly myopic navel-gazing goes on out there in the virtual parenting world.
Why, for instance, are we all so obsessed with watching the antics of families with ridiculous numbers of progeny, particularly when they are the products of fundamentalist religious movements, celebrity adoption or artificial insemination gone wild? (Which begs the question: if you’re not part of a fundamentalist religious movement, a celebrity or taking doses of clomid that are illegal outside of the US, would you even consider having more than, say, four or five children?) And I’m not immune, either. I don’t watch Jon & Kate Plus Eight, but I do read the tabloid headlines and the many, many blog posts about them, and I somehow can’t stop myself from reading about Angelina and her eerie doppelganger, Octomom. I guess it’s a bit like the attraction of a roadside accident or a circus freakshow: so very, very different, and yet so almost the same. I mean, face it: nobody today would look twice at a bearded woman (“uh – have you heard of laser hair removal?”), but we’d pay good money to read the low-down on a woman who gave birth to what amounts to a litter of babies.
And beyond the gross overkill of the mass-media parenting obsession, it seems we can’t help but turn the microscope on ourselves. It seems that when we consider our (admittedly very important) roles as parents, we have some uncontrollable need to take ourselves too seriously. Now really – I do think a lot about parenting, and I talk about it a lot and I guess I write about it a fair bit, too. And I love to read the many amazing parenting blogs that are out there. But it seems that in every great parenting blogger, there is a dark and possibly narcissistic side, lurking just beneath the surface. I often sit and sigh when I log into facebook and twitter, wondering why so many very interesting people who are, by and large (and probably by definition) very well-educated, financially stable, articulate and intelligent don’t seem to have very much perspective when it comes to the day-to-day issues of parenting. And again, I can’t emphasize it enough: I do think parenting is a very important topic…I’m just amazed at the amount of brainpower that goes into analyzing its minutiae and the extent of the arguments and judgment on topics both important and mundane.
One thing that strikes me immediately is that most of the incredible navel-gazing that takes place occurs in parents of very young children (as in: preschool and younger). Maybe when your children are only 18 months and 3 you just don’t have the perspective that comes to those of us with nearly nine years of parenting experience under our belts (insert self-mocking derisory snort here). I guess what I mean is that when you’ve dealt with some of the shit an eight year-old girl can dole out, you realize that little boys snatching toy trains from other little boys is not front-page news nor is it worthy of a self-deprecating/self-congratulatory three-page long thread about discipline/lead paint/Waldorf education. It’s just…kids. Being kids. No more and no less.
All of this is to say…what, exactly? Chill out a little, people? No, not really. I for one do truly believe that being a parent is a huge and important responsibility. But it is, also and paradoxically, one of the most commonplace roles in history. Maybe it’s all just a symptom of the times – that we seem to be able to do nothing in moderation: we’re either obese or anorexic, and we can’t make up our minds which is right. In the end, the best parenting advice I ever got (and it came form a developmental psychologist) is that children seem to thrive on benign neglect.
Parents, on the other hand…that’s another story altogether!
I guess I am in the minority here – I truly enjoyed watching Jon & Kate + 8 during the first few seasons, as well as some of the other “multiple” shows. DD was a newborn, and I was struggling with my new role. I identified with Kate, and figured if she could make it work with that many kids I can certainly manage with my one. In the early years she was a good role model.
And I’m not 100% sure on this, but didn’t I hear that Nadya Suleman apply to have the term Octomom copyrighted for her sole use? I don’t like the term much myself either, and agree with you, Rachel, that it sounds like a comic book character, but I think it is how she began refering to herself.
I just want to say that I find the use of the term “Octomom” to be disrespectful and borderline offensive. At first only the tabloid media outlets were using the term, but now it seems to have been adopted by mainstream media as well. Each time I hear the term, I lose a little bit of respect for the speaker/writer. It sounds like some kind of freaky character from Spiderman. Her name is Nadya Suleman and she is the mother of octoplets. She’s doing the best she can just like everyone else.
I do have to wonder if this mentality is also brought about by the size of families – most families are one or two – possibly three – children. Certainly not the 8, 9 or 10 children of families of yore. As our children become fewer, they are also more precious, and so we obsess about them more?
Good points, Erin. I know I was certainly very, very baby/ toddler-centric in the first five or so years of parenting. Maybe my concerns have just been diluted by the ever-expanding spheres my children now occupy.
And Jen, yes, we will most likely look back and shake our heads at ourselves. That was why I inserted the self-deprecatory snort. In anticipation of said future head-shaking.
I totally agree. I wonder if I will look back at how I parented my 10 and 6-year-old and giggle just like I do when I read some of the navel gazing posts and think back to how singularly focused I was when I parented my babies.
Interesting post. I wonder if the infant – preschool thing is just that it takes a few years to come back to yourself. I certainly feel like all of my own interests were subsumed by my girls and they are slowly coming back. Although I agree that the self-righteous and judgmental posts found on some forums and blogs can be disturbing; other, more moderate posts can be supportive for those of us who are isolated (like me in my small community with very few like minded people, let alone parents with similar aged kids and philosophies).
As a mother of twins who went through fertility treatment, I abhor the reality shows like Jon & Kate and stories about Octomom. Come on USA, it’s hugely unethical to put so many embryos back in or to allow unmonitored fertility drugs….raising twins is really, really hard…more…I can’t imagine.
Benign neglect is growing on me….thoughtful neglect though…lol!