I wasn’t always fat. I distinctly remember playing house league basketball between the ages of 9-11 feeling somewhat lean. I also remember the peanut butter years. The globs and globs of peanut butter I would sit and eat with white bread in front of Jo and Tootie and Blair and Natalie as my voice deepened and my body sprouted hair where mere moments before it was as smooth as an early morning lake.
Luckily during those formative hairy, sweaty and stinky years, I was also quite active. Playing high school sports actually benefited from the additional 10lbs per year I was tacking on through a steady diet of BBQ corn nuts and chocolate milk. But I definitely could no longer refer to myself as lean. And my best friend started calling me fat boy. So things were definitely moving up. And out.
Fast forward 10-15 years and somehow I managed to attract, woo pitch and convince my girlfriend to marry me. I was the exact same height as I was when I was 14, but an additional 60 lbs was now protruding in various non-attractive ways. But love and laughter conquered all and I managed to make my way down the aisle with a cruller in my front pocket and wickedly romantic vows etched in my still lean brain. I was overweight, but I found a woman who loved no matter what my waist size was that month. With this happiness, I became content with my body. I didn’t love it, but when you remove the motivating factor of partner attraction, it is easy to fall into the sofa of comfort. So I was 30, recently married and eating and drinking like a Victorian noble.
Zip to 2010, I am now 68 lbs heavier than my wedding date, with two young boys seeking an opponent for their wrestling matches and a recipient to their awkward football throws. I am a lumbering beast with a hankering for anything made with cheese or yeast. I am big and everyone around me is beginning to notice. The mirror is also reminding me daily that I am heading down an inevitable path of health issues and more importantly, I am beginning to see myself in the eyes of my children.
This is the man they saw:
Next was the talk from my father, sitting across from me at the picnic table he made at our family cottage, scotch in hand, voice wavering between stoicism and sympathy. Explaining to me his disdain for the possibility of outliving me. Providing me with an option that I thought was neither applicable nor possible. The option of weight loss surgery. Specifically adjustable gastric band surgery or lap band surgery at is more commonly known.
Previous to this potential option I participated in various weight loss programs. All the big ones and even a couple of freaky ones. Cleanses, fasts, exercises, diets, nothing seemed to stick. I am a mental eater, still am, so barring being committed to some sort of pudgy asylum, I felt I exhausted all my options to try and curb my ever expanding frame.
So with research done, surgeon consultation made, I was admitted on September 21, 2010 into a plastic surgery clinic for a 45 minute surgery to have a band tied around my stomach to help me stop my incessant eating. I remember counting down from 10 as the thick anesthesia kicked in that man, I could really go for a burger. True story.
I came to and embarked on a journey. A life long journey that includes the cracker I just ate and the glass of water I just drank. I can no longer eat anything larger than a deck of cards at one sitting. A cup of food is all that will go down at one time, thus providing me with the satiety I need to function and last until the next meal. My calorie intake is cut in half, which is still more than most people eat, but it is still a very severe and drastic change to my previous life.
This is who my boys see now.
18 months after the surgery I am down about 90 lbs. I still struggle with food choices as certain foods go down just fine (hello ice cream!). I also have to watch exactly what I eat to ensure I am maximizing the nutritional value of everything that moves past these lips. Something I should have been doing all my life, but that is just perfect hindsight. My activity level is way up and I am game for anything my boys want to do, except watch Japanamation, man I can’t stand that crud.
Hud understands the severity of what I did. My biggest fear when embarking on this adventure was the boys would see it as some sort of cop out. That they too could eat all they wanted and just have surgery to correct it later. I realize that is deep and dramatic thinking for a nine and five year old, but it’s what I thought about in post op after I stopped chatting up the breast augmentation patients.
Food choice is an ongoing struggle for people that love bad food. Scratch that, who love bad food and have no will. I will always be that type of person, but now I have a backstop.
It was an odd and expensive (thanks pops!) and personal choice that worked for me. So now I am half the man I used to be and twice the man I was in the eyes of my two beautiful boys.
Now where are those chip..I mean carrot sticks?
I hope you never feel guilty about your decision. It was made for all the right reasons, and nothing is failsafe – it’s obviously up to you to keep it working, and that’s what your boys will see. Determination, a respect for your health and a desire to be the best father you can be is what they’ll see. Good on ya.
I totally get how you reach a point where you look up and feel you really, REALLY want to change where your body is at and how healthy you are and it feels like RIGHT NOW is the time. I hit that point this past year, too, where suddenly I thought I was tired of being tired, wanted to feel like my body was more capable, and wanted to improve my health before I got any older.
For me, it was as much about physically being able to run, jump, etc., and the most I wanted to lose in the process was 30lbs tops, but so far, I’m happy w more on the order of 10lbs, but far more stamina and muscle.
For someone with 100+lbs to lose to even get to where that is in range, your surgery is drastic, yes, but sounds like the step you needed to get you there. Sounds like you’ve thought about that a lot, and knew it was the right push for you, and you’re getting on a path to do it more for yourself going forward, and that is fantastic. Your family must be so happy to see you getting healthier and happier and able to be more active with your boys!
Wow, Jason. I love your honesty and lack of judgment. The fact that you made this decision for all of the right reasons and were, and continue to be, honest with yourself is the best part. We all need to do what is right for us in the moment and you did that.
Now go on and enjoy your fit and healthy life!
Leslie,
I agree, it was very dramatic. I was around 330lbs in the first picture and as mentioned, I was at a crossroads where all attempts, admittedly sometimes feeble, were not helping. I wish I could have had the stamina and the will to lose weight a more natural way, but I couldn’t, even with a very strong support network. And at that weight it was not just about being fat it was about a future of dire heath problems.
I am much more active now and monitor what I eat with a certain rigour to ensure my body gets what it needs. I am not perfect and still suffer from abusive eating, but I am better because of the aggressive consequences of the band.
I still mess up, still make bad decisions, but not as many and I know lots of people who struggle with weight that succeed through less invasive measures. I could not.
I accept that and now embrace the destination of a lighter, healthier me, even if the journey was a bit drastic.
Really appreciate your comment.
My first reaction is to say this seems so dramatic. My guess is that in the first picture you were still under 300 lbs. Before performing these surgeries, do they not isist that you lose so much weight on your own. You were married and have an incredible family support system, what is the cracking point that pushed you to do the surgery when portion and diet control, as well as exercise would have helped as well. Can you exercise on a regular basis now, and provide your body with enough fuel to do so? Don’t get me wrong, you are clearly a much healthier person and in a much better place, but I am intrigued with this decision.
Man – you are such a good writer. Good for you Jason. Such a hard choice.
Good for you, Jason – sounds like it was a very wise choice. And your boys will only love you more… YAY!!