I’ve been really interested in the dialogue that Erin’s got going over on Multiple Musings these days regarding education. I have a couple of compelling reasons to be so interested in Erin’s thoughts on education (apart from the fact that she’s my cousin and I have a lot of respect for her opinions). First of all, I’m a teacher myself. But aside from that, I have a daughter who has issues with school refusal.
School refusal is essentially what it sounds like: a child’s refusal to go to school.
Sounds like an easy thing to resolve, right? You’re the parent, you say your child has to go to school, ergo your child goes to school. At least that’s what I’ve been told by many well-meaning advice-givers (actually, I doubt that most advice-givers are truly well-meaning). But unless you’re the most implacable and uncaring of parents, that’s never as easy as it sounds. Especially if your child has true, chronic school refusal (rather than the milder “schoolaroostayhomeis” I used to suffer from occasionally). True school refusal is is a crippling condition in which children experience extreme anxiety or panic attacks when faced with everyday school life.
If your child has school refusal, pretty much NOTHING is more important to them than avoiding the cause of their anxiety. They will resort to many disruptive behaviours, including tantruming to avoid school, and often the anxiety makes them actually suffer physiological symptoms, which end up getting them sent home from school. And the cycle begins.
So you can see how I’m a little bit divided, huh? I make my living – and have a wonderful time doing it – at a school, but my daughter will do pretty much anything to avoid that very place. And let me also point out that I’ve been very involved in my daughter’s school, and it is (in my opinion) a wonderful place. The teachers and administration are dedicated, caring professionals and the facility is brand-new (four years old, to be precise). There’s a robotics lab, a foods lab, a computer lab, drama, music, art, sculpture, dance, photography, phys-ed and even a fashion lab! There is no library, but there is a learning commons, where students are encouraged to congregate and pursue their own interests on the internet, through multimedia, books, periodicals and more. Teachers and librarians support students’ learning in the commons and the entire school is an open wireless network where students are encouraged to go online (to pursue learning opportunities) with a variety of devices (laptops, iPods, etc.)
It seems like an ideal learning environment to me. So why does she hate it so much? Search me. Search her, too, because she can’t even articulate it. She just knows she’s afraid to go. She likes her teacher. She socializes and has friends she likes at school as well as those she also sees outside of school. She isn’t being bullied. She isn’t afraid to take the bus. She’s very bright and even enjoys learning and doing her schoolwork (she will often take on additional activities related to the curriculum all on her own at home, like last week when she made a poster about Canada’s appalachian region to complement her work in Social Studies).
We are working with the school, with the board’s support services and a private psychologist to help our daughter develop strategies so that she can cope with school. There are a number of different options we can pursue, including alternative programming, but in the meantime: sigh. It’s a puzzle, but for the moment the fact that I love school and my daughter hates it is going to have to be a contradiction that we both live with.
I feel for you so much… I had a child that went through this during kindergarten. It eventually came out that he was afraid of the WIND on the playground (of all things), and it took months for him to work through. I’m really wishing the best, and hopefully easiest and quickest, outcome of her school refusal for you. Much support from other here.
I need some help with this too.
I went through the same thing with my 7 year old. My daughter who normally loves school woke up one day balling that she didn’t want to go to school. Many tears later I came to know it was because of a substitute teacher.
A teacher who substituted several times since the beginning of the school year was the root of the problem. My daughter was told the previous Friday by the substitute that she would again be at school on Monday as the regular teacher was going to be absent again.
According to my daughter the substitute is a big bully to the class, she yells constantly, is mean and speaks rudely to the children, speaks in her own language to the children that understand it and my daughter even witnessed her slap a boy in her class. This is totally unacceptable.
I understand schools now have a zero tolerance for bullying, but what about when that bullying is coming from an adult. Is that disciple or bullying.
There are a lot of good teachers but what about the bad teachers who don’t know how to deal with stress and keep control.
I did speak to the regular teacher to see if there are other complaints (which there were none) but the problem is as she is under union and is not supposed to get involved and advised me to talk to the principal.
My daughter is begging me not to do that as she is at an age where she is afraid of what will happen if I tell. I am also worried about this too if maybe she’s not really not so bad and I wouldn’t want it to affect her career.
I’ve been down a similar road, and also sought the help of a child psychologist. It was not, however, until we had a psychoeducational assessment completed that we got any answers. It turns out our daughter is gifted and requires many more challenges than her school was able to provide. Assessments also get at the heart of learning styles and anxieties so you can develop a really good performance plan. So my advice (which really is well meaning!) is to ask the psychologist with whom you’re working if they do assessments and, if not, if they can provide a referral to someone who does. Perhaps you’ve done that already. Good luck to both of you.
Poor girl. Like Jen, I can also relate. I did not like school either, maybe that’s part of why I’m writing about school & education. I really think that school suits a certain type of learner and the others just have to adapt. If they can’t or won’t adapt…well that’s too bad. That’s one major reason why education needs to change.
But, it hasn’t so what to do? Honestly I’m not really sure. It sounds like you’re taking all the steps to help her. Have you read the book that you posted the picture of? I’m curious about the alternate schooling you mentioned. What’s that all about?
If it were me, I would consider homeschooling, if that were possible. I know you’re not a fan though, and homeschooling is often not financially possible for many families.
yikes, this is scary and I feel for you. You seem to be doing all the right things- good luck.
Poor girl. I can relate. At least to a degree. I never wanted to go to school as a kid. I was a very good student, had tons of friends, enjoyed learning but there was something about school that I simply hated. I don’t know if it was the structure or the predictability but it was not a good fit for me. I faked illnesses, complained and, eventually, skipped a lot of classes. Luckily I still managed to do well.
The really terrible part was that I hated myself for this. I thought I was lazy and a quitter. I really didn’t understand at all why I didn’t want to go. I wonder whether there was some depression there but, really, I think it was something else. What I know about myself now is that I am not a linear thinker or learner. I am all over the place! I have spurts of inspiration at strange times and don’t operate well with a schedule. I also work best in a collaborative open environment where there are few boundaries and limits. Maybe it is the way school is instead of school itself? Just a thought.
But my advice is to see a professional. A psychiatrist that specializes in children’s anxiety disorders who can help you sift through this and figure out what is really going on. Good luck.
Crap balls, lady. I have nothing to offer except for a hug. Le sigh, indeed… but hang in there. xox