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How rude indeed.
Holy crap. Please explain my split personality child. The sweetest, most funny, loving boy turns into the RUDEST kid ever in a split second. He gets lippy, talks back, rolls his eyes. He reminds me of Sharon from the Y&R. For real!
I’m at a loss. I’m not handling it well. I try so hard. Two weekends ago, we battled the whole time. So Monday I explained that from now on, I would just say ‘rude’ and if he didn’t apologize, he’d get a time out. Worked the first time. Awesome. Second time he replied with, ‘oh I’M RUDE? Well you’re Rudy McRuderson and the meanest mom in the whole world.’ He said he would never apologize unless I did. This escalated to tears from both of us and yelling from both of us. It ended in tearful hugs of apology from both of us. In ended in extreme guilt from one of us. I’ll let you hazard a guess who. That would be me – the aforementioned Rudy McRuderson.
I know this is common. I know it’s my kid testing the boundaries. I know he feels constrained by me and is asserting his independence. I know all these things but it doesn’t mean I like any of them. I don’t like his rudeness and I loathe my response to it.
So suggestions? Anyone? It’s wearing me out.
Signed,
Rudy McRuderson
aka Batman’s Mother
I used to treat them rudely- really rudely- and then just when they thought- who are you and where is my mom- I would wink and smile and say “that is what it feels like”. “I expect you to treat me the way I treat you. ”
I have used the word ‘unacceptable’ a lot since they were little. Whether it is the way their rooms have been left, their idea of cleaning the kitchen, or the way they may dismiss me. I want a kiss when you arrive, ask me about my day too (I have one), I want your participation in this household on all levels- energy, maintenance and love, you get up when someone enters the room, offer guests a drink, see them to the door. Obviously this is about my teenagers not littles- but understanding expectations and boundaries is at the core of all excellent relationships, right?
Lets face it it never ends
I love Jen’s advice too- my youngest first spelling word was i-g-n-o-r-e as that is what we used to spell to each other when she would lose it. Every. Single. Day. And twice on Sundays.
Just show him who is driving the bus, S, at all times. And let him know the rules of the family and the house. But forgive yourself your tantrums. That age is tough. ( I love what he said to you by the way! Chutzpah)
Great advice you guys….. I have to restart this and dig my heels in for a while
I always say :”Pardon?” Or “Try again” or silence when my kids are rude, and I wait and give them NOTHING until they change the tone and the words. They have learned that I won’t budge on that. It actually works. You have to be consistent, though. Getting into a power struggle just does not work-it usually just ends in yelling.
My advice? Do NOT engaged in the power struggles. We had this with my daughter in spades when she was around 5 or 6 and it always spiralled into a battle. Nothing productive came out of it. This was the toughest thing I ever had to do (aside from the years of sleepless nights) but I literally had to completely back down emotionally and bite my tongue.
I would calmly tell her to apologize and when she would try to engage me I would get her to her room without comment (in the beginning this required physically taking her there screaming). I would tell her (calmly) that I loved her but that I didn’t appreciate her tone/rudeness/whatever and that when she could use a calm voice we could have a cuddle.
Once she calmed down (in the beginning I would go in once she was quiet and ask her, “Are you ready to be speak in a calm voice?” If she didn’t respond with one I would say, “I don’t think you are ready yet. I will come back when you are and we can have a cuddle.” I never asked for an apology in the moment as it just enraged her.
Once she was calm enough we would go for a cuddle and once she calmed down I would tell her that her words/behaviour/tone were unacceptable and if it happened again she would have to go back to her room. Within a few weeks the battles were gone and then we worked on apologies.
It was a hell of a process and took patience I didn’t know I had but it really worked. Now she will often ask for a cuddle before things even escalate. This calms her down so we are able to talk. Very tough but, believe me, no one wins the power struggles!
no suggestions…i’m just going to sit here and wait for others to reply… i need help with this. gawd! is it so hard to ask nicely, kid????