I just read Sarah’s post regarding the fact that men are hardwired not to hear a baby crying at night.
If you haven’t read it yet, please do. It’s a good post. I’ll give you a moment.
…
On this topic, I feel compelled to speak out on behalf of my gender, and more importantly, in defence of Charles Darwin.
In her post, our resident Mom Without a Map quotes a study on the subject, which contends that a woman’s maternal instincts (developed and honed over centuries) kick-in at the sound of any baby crying, anywhere, at any time, whereas men can sleep peacefully through the noise of a distraught child without issue.
I’ll start with an admission of guilt. It isn’t an issue much anymore, but when it was I admit that I often kept sleeping while my wife tended to Pea. In fairness, I woke up every now and then, but for the most part I slept right through the cries.
Am I proud of this? No.
Am I apologetic? In the moment, I was. I wished it were easier for me to wake up at the sounds of Pea crying, and truth be told I felt guilty the next day when my wife told me she was up all night with a baby suckling on her breast.
But, if my inability to hear Pea crying really is hardwired into me thanks to centuries of evolution, then I’m not sorry at all… and I contend that you Moms out there shouldn’t be upset either…
I’ll illustrate my point with the aid of mycafelatte.
One of the comments posted on Sarah’s post was from an urbanmoms reader named mycafelatte. She tells of a time when her husband woke up with ninja-like skillfullness at the sound of a skunk rattling some pots and pans outside their tent on a camping trip.
“My husband’s military training kicked in, he jumped up, grabbed his glasses and was out in a flash to catch the rodent.”
I will suggest that mycafelatte’s husband didn’t arise as a result of his military training. I’ll put forth that hundreds of years of hunter-gatherer wiring is what made him jump into action.
Let’s face it. Nine times out of ten, when a young child wakes up there is only one thing he or she is after – food. No matter how hard our male ancestors tried, there was no way that a man waking up at night was going to help the situation.
So, we learned to keep sleeping, to save our energy for hunting and protecting our families from skunks… or mastedons, or whatever predator lay in wait.
It sucks that we can’t undo centuries of evolution over a few decades. But I will say this: the hardwiring works both ways.
I sleep closer to the bedroom door at our house, our weapon of choice lies under my side of the bed and I’m the one to scope out the house when something goes bump in the night. I get legitimately angry when someone at he mall gets too close to Pea and if she gets hurt, even accidentally, I get real jumpy. I’m not even an aggressive guy, but ever since Pea was born there is a protectiveness inside of me that is noticeable, and quite frankly, a little scary.
I may not have to fight mastedons anymore (did humans and mastedons even co-exist?), but I’m doing my best to live up to my evolutionary obligations as a Dad and I’m trying my damndest to undo the now-useless stuff so I can be a better Dad.
Doesn’t that deserve a little lie-in at 3am?
The image I posted above is a drawing by Margaret A. McIntyre called “The cave boy of the age of stone.” A beautiful depiction of family life from a long, long time ago.
I have read both posts from the male and female views. I have to say I agree with both sides. Confusing I know. But we as mothers need to face the fact that even if the daddies did get up to take care of our crying babies we would still be lying in bed awake wondering are they changing their diaper or is their milk to hot or to cold and so on. From personal experience and feelings I like to just get up and do everything myself to know it’s done right and my babies are ok. It’s not that I don’t trust my husband but these are my BABIES.
Hi Shawn
Your post might just have saved my marriage 🙂 it is great to hear a guys perspective, but I can see your perspective. Does it make me happy ABSOLUTELY NOT. However I have just started back at work and went out for a dinner last night….having a great time came home to a baby screaming right next to sleeping daddy………..grrrrrrrrrrrrrr *insert expletives*. Daddy continued to sleep….i calmed our little one down and he was right as rain after a feed cuddle and even all smiles. Not the point though. Why couldn’t daddy just stay awake for once so I can go out without fear. Ok so he has a very physical job and that plays a huge part in it as we have discussed in length. However we have tried the discussions around his helplessness etc and as soon as I give him some slack he **** it up and I go back to square one of not trusting him. Are there a certain number of chances the ‘daddy’s’ should get as you force them into hearing the baby cry…..
PS he does do all the protecting and will wake to all other sounds it seems….which does make me feel VERY safe…I just want one good night out…or good night unbroken sleep.
1) The “Urban Jungle” is very different, yes – our hunting and gathering may not be with sticks against mastodons, but lets not be moronic and take that literally… Men have been hard wired through evolution to be the PROVIDER/PROTECTOR of the FAMILY.
2) Single men are still protecting their family – it’s just one grumpy woman smaller – and this time he’s protecting his child from pain/harm when they scream – couldn’t tell you why this is different with a partner, maybe single men are simply FORCED to evolve faster.
3) Yes, men can be trained to hear baby cry – but the situation must be forced/allowed. Sometimes stubborn mothers need to get out of their own way and give dad a chance. I like what Shelagh said, “I simply wait out my husband now that I am no longer nursing. I shake him a little to wake him then feign sleep and wait for him to hear baby. Works miracles. Of course, then in the morning, he feels like he should have an Academy Award for his feeding performance. Ladies, we simply are not going to win.” I am willing to bet more men would LIKE to HELP. I know I’m not the only one who genuinely agrees that it’s 50% my responsibility too, and I WANT to do my part – but I’m guilty of not being able to hear my baby as well. I would be HAPPY if my wife would wake me and let me help so she could get some sleep.
Shawn – I hear ya, love the post, and hope more women understand that most men are not pigs. It’s just like rednecks – they are not all inbred and toothless, but the 5% that are end up getting on TV.
I may have felt differently about this post a year ago (as a SAHM of two older children who wakes up the minute her kids’ feet hit the floor), but this past summer we got a puppy. The number of times that I slept through the puppy needing attention and my husband was the one to get up tells me that it’s possible that men sleep through the children crying. There was one night when the puppy was sick and my husband was up every hour taking him outside. I didn’t hear a thing. I have to agree that perhaps we are wired diffferently.
Yeah, it is a tough crowd. Guess what? Me and the big dog get up at night when we hear a noise about half the time – DH works nights and so isn’t even home to protect us some nights, the rest of the time he is soundly asleep. The big dog makes me fearless, I love her for that. Yup, she’s a girl. And she has the best scary yellow eyes!!!
You boys are simply trained to expect someone else to run to the rescue of the baby, why would you awake when someone else will do it? Meanwhile you all wonder why your wives are so grumpy and don’t want sex… Sorry, perhaps that was the sleep deprivation talking. I’m sure single Dads awake at night when their babies cry, it’s all a matter of priorities IMO.
Sorry, Shawn, this time I don’t see your side of it, but it might be the sleep deprivation talking again so keep trying! I sure applaud you for putting it out there!
I always wonder if husbands are sometimes ‘trained’ certain ways. i.e. They don’t have to fold or put away laundry because the wife does it. They are allowed to be sick because the wife picks up the pieces (see my blogpost on The Mancold at http://www.practicalmum.com). They only need to know how to make pancakes and KD because the wife does the cooking…etc… you get my drift. Before you get your boxers in a knot these are sweeping generalization and I appreciate there are exceptions to every rule. But here’s the thing. The sperm donor is equally as responsible for the baby being on the planet as the egg donor, carry-er and birth-er (have I just created a new language?). I understand men can’t breastfeed, but why does that excuse last long after baby is weaned? Two children later and I have learned. I simply wait out my husband now that I am no longer nursing. I shake him a little to wake him then feign sleep and wait for him to hear baby. Works miracles. Of course, then in the morning, he feels like he should have an Academy Award for his feeding performance. Ladies, we simply are not going to win.
sorry, but when was the last time you actually had someone in your family hunt and gather? i think that evolutionary ship has sailed! sorry, shawn but there are too many wives here for you to win this arguement! 🙂
although, i have found that when hubby is told he’s “on duty” he does get up when he heard the cries. (my kids are 4 and 7 so the sleepless nights are very few and far between). i had some of the ‘good pills’ after dental surgery and wasn’t planning on waking up for about 24 hours and he heard and did everything.
Tough crowd. 🙁
Great topic! We’ve actually tested this theory in our family. For ages and ages, hubby never heard baby cry at all. Not one little interruption in his sleep. (Yes, very irritating!) But then he took a paternity leave when I had to go back to work and used the time to travel and introduce his family to baby. And guess what happened? Baby crying could be heard! It’s amazing what happens when you know you are THE one who is responsible for a helpless little thing. And what happened to me while he was away? I awoke at 3am on schedule for a while and then I started sleeping right through the night — didn’t hear baby cry at all! Meanwhile, his “baby ears” were still active. It’s a neat experiment, if nothing else!
love it- but I am pretty sure you will never convince me that men don’t hear a baby’s cry…but good try…
Shawn – mastedons have been extinct for 15,000+ years however, there are still plenty of crying babies. Maybe the evolution of man needs to pick up the pace a bit. Mastedon hunting, although impressive, is not quite so critical in the urban jungle 😉
I read Sarah’s blog and wondered “hmmm, what will Shawn have to say about this?” Well, wonder no more!! Love that you posted a “response” from the daddy perspective. And it’s true in our house….if I hear an unfamiliar noise or feel jumpy, it’s hubby who goes to check it out and give the all clear.