He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother.

Cam was around 4 years old, Cuyler was 3ish and I said to Sean that I felt bad for Cam because he wouldn’t get to experience a “normal” sibling relationship with a brother.  We had several friends who had boys close to our boys’ age and it was a really difficult thing for me to see how their brotherly relationships were developing and evolving and our boys were not experiencing the same things.  Cam especially.

Sean’s reply:  “Normal?  This IS normal for Cam.  He doesn’t know any different.”
And he was right.

But things have changed.  Cam does know different now.  He see’s what other brothers get to do with their siblings.  He see’s other brothers playing mini sticks together, or riding bikes together.  He understands that OUR normal is different than most people we know (I could do an entire entry on the word normal, by the way). 
He once said “I wish Cuyler wasn’t autistic so that he could play road hockey with me.”
Teaching moment!!!
We had to make sure Cam knew that even if Cuyler didn’t have autism, he still might not have an interest in hockey.  Some kids don’t like hockey – autism or not. 
“How can anyone NOT like hockey??  I don’t get it.” was his typical 7 year old boy reply.
We needed to make sure that Cam  knew that not everything different about Cuyler was autism.  It was just Cuyler.  Cam likes chocolate, Cuy likes vanilla.  Cam likes reading, Cuy like colouring.  Cam like baths, Cuyler like showers.  Cam doesn’t like bowling Cuyler does.  Cuyler doesn’t like hockey, Cam does. 

Cam, on a daily basis, has to make concessions that he really shouldn’t have to like giving up his tv show, or a book or a toy or a juice box just to keep Cuyler from freaking out.  He’ll do it on his own, knowing that it’s the easiest thing (not always the best thing – Cuyler needs to learn that other people exist and that they – and their things – matter). 
Sometimes Cam needs to take a backseat while we deal with a tantrum.  Or while we do therapy.

And the guilt eats at me. 

We have tried very hard and made a conscious effort to ensure that we don’t put Cam in a position where he needs to do more or be more because his brother has different needs.
We don’t want them to ever resent Cuyler for his many different needs.  We want them to love and support him always.  We want the three of them to do that with and for each other.
Sure…they’ll fight and be mad at each other and piss each other off but the foundation of that relationship is love.
Sean and I were talking about Cam last night.  About his redheaded Irish temper.  We talked about all the things that this boy has had to deal with that none of his friends have had to.  From seeing his brother in a prepetual temper tantrum for 2 yrs to seeing his baby sister nearly bleed to death.  As much as we tried to sheild him from Eva’s daily wound care/ dressing changes, he did see several of them.  It was like torture for her, really.  I can only imagine what his 6 year old mind was thinking.  To when she was hospitalized and we didn’t know when she was coming home – did he go to bed scared for her everynight?
To seeing me cry out of sheer frustration in dealing with Cuyler.  Or seeing me cry out of pure fear at what was going on with Eva.
Or crying because of the guilt I feel for what Cam has had to deal with.  Sometimes I feel like we just dump on him because he’s “the easy one” and that makes me cry too.

He may have some pent up anxiety/anger and we need to explore that.  That’s on my to do list.

When Eva came along we were very aware that at some point she would surpass Cuyler in many areas.  And that has happened and continues to.  And it’s ok. 
It fascinates me to see and hear her articulate anything and everything she wants.
Because of the age gap – she is Cuyler’s best playmate.  They are equal on many levels and share similar interests so they play well together.  She is a great teacher for him and a good model for him as he learns new skills.

  Jen asked in my comments yesterday how the other 2 deal with situations where Cuyler cannot manage. 
I think, even at such young ages, they have so much compassion for him.  Innately – they “get it”.  They try to comfort him by rubbing his back, or finding a favourite toy.  They try to bribe him to stop crying with snacks (that’s when I know his crying is annoying them).  They let him know that the clouds will go away soon.  Or that Daddy will come home and take him for a drive.  And when all that fails – because it usually does – they go play where the can’t hear him (as much).
Cam will even keep him company in bed if it’s really windy.

We had a thunderstorm today.  Cam went down to Cuyler’s class to check on him.  He didn’t have to but he did.  Cuyler’s EA told me that Cam hugged him and told him it was going to stop soon. 

I do think that there is stress in our house everyday because of the autism.  But I also know that because of the autism, my oldest and youngest will grow up with a sense of compassion and empathy that others may not have. 

I couldn’t be more proud of the children we are raising.  They are good people.