This is hard for me to write but important to share. I am sharing it because Father’s Day is coming but more importantly because nothing scares me more than “under carpet sweeping.” If I talk of it and expose it, it cannot hurt us.
As many of you know I left my marriage 4.5 years ago. I did not give up, worked like the devil, finally gave myself permission and have never looked back.
My life is good. Actually, don’t hate me – it is brilliant. It is mine; whole, changing and full of so many good things I feel choked up just writing about it.
Both who I am and my work are supported by my whole community and it feels like support/ love/respect every day I get up. This has pretty much saved my life. (Ok I just re read that
and that is a little overstated. If I had not done this I would have done something else. But this life I am very grateful for.)
I have never felt my own will and power the way I have in these last 4 years. I feel I can do anything.
I have sole custody of my children but have never tried to make it difficult for their dad to see them. He sees them very very little, a pattern that has been consistent since we broke up. There is no support. No presence.
That feels the opposite of love/respect/support.
I have never liked to share this with anyone. I used to feel like it reflected poorly on my children. They are simply the finest people I know. They are positive, hard working, funny, loving and wonderful to be around. They deserve a great life. They deserve the love and attention of both parents.
They have a wonderful life but they do not have this. If I work 100X harder I cannot make up this difference. If I am full of love, fun, life lessons, get up really early, stay up really late; I cannot make up the missing piece.
Two things have helped me with this and hopefully them.
~ We are all human and have failings. My children are beginning to understand those which are his.
I used to get angry about how we have to work harder (my children included) and do more to provide for my children because of his missing piece. I find I tease my girls the way my dad and brothers did me. I am also authoritative and rigid in a way that I might not have been with a partner. It is my way of trying to be all things to them.
~ My village is abundant. I try to see it as an opportunity for others to play a bigger part than they would normally. I like that. You have no idea the role you play. I hope you know who you are.
There are gifts in marriage. You split them when you divorce. There are gifts in divorce, they multiply when you let and encourage them.
On our calendar next Sunday (Father’s Day) reads “party”-
– because that is what we are going to do. We aren’t going to sweep under the carpet. We are going to go out in the world and celebrate what we have. Not what we don’t.
I am a widow but my dress is colourful.