I was at a school meeting the other night and I had that same uneasy feeling that I get all the time lately; “who is driving the bus?”
Mothers were talking about raising their daughters; issues about what they are wearing, how they are behaving, how texting has replaced real communication or being in the moment. They look around the room , arms outstretched, palms open to the heavens “what am I supposed to do?”.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE PARENT. GET BEHIND THE WHEEL BEFORE THE CRASH. I bite my tongue. How can a whole generation have missed the memo?
One of the most amazing things about being a parent is the way you get to create a culture within which to raise a person from the day they are born. You can choose traditions, throw out the ones you hated, grab the ones you loved and make up new ones. You can choose homeschool, local school or school of hard knocks. You can practice unconditional love or tough love. You can cook vegetarian, french or fast food.You can greet your children in the morning with a song, a kiss, a squeeze of their butt, a bowl of Lucky Charms or a slap across the face. You can take them to church, soccer or Sporting Life for values. You teach them to stand on their own, walk and then, again and again, to stand on their own. You get deep, probing questions (how did God make us? what are those dimples on your legs?) and superficial re occurring ones (where are my gym shorts? what on earth are you wearing, mom?). You get accusations ( you never ask my sister to do that) and blame (you promised). The added bonus is we find out what we adamantly believe in as we hear ourselves explaining what matters most to us over and over again to our kids. Parenting is both a terrifying and thrilling roller coaster.
There is speculation that parents today are failing to give direction because they are aimless themselves, too busy to say ‘no’, want to be best friends with their children or are acutely afraid of not being ‘cool’. They are giving away the reigns, handing the steering wheel to the one with no license, no life experience and a pre frontal cortex that is still in development mode. Scary.
Reports have shown over and over again, that children want, even crave, boundaries and rules. They may not ask for them, may even slam the door hard when you give and enforce them but we all need clear expecations to thrive. Often they are relieved secretly when we say”no”.
You have power. You are the boss. While a family can be a democracy and a team it requires a leader. Guess what? It is you. Get up early. Say no. Dig your heels in. When they treat you badly say it is unacceptable. Pay now or pay later.
Paying later has debilitating interest rates but look on the bright side-the bus ride might kill you first.
Lynne thank you for the interesting comments. Keep up the good work- it sounds like it is paying off. Best-n
I totally agree with you Nancy, children need boundaries and discipline when they get out of hand.
My daughter was placed into daycare when she was only 4 ½ months old. I had no choice but to return to work and I had to get her onto a schedule. My friends and family used to laugh at me and make comments about how I was raising my daughter. I’m also a firm believer that if your child misbehaves you need to address it not only to prevent it from happening again but because they need to understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. I was told on several occasions that I was “to hard” on her, “she’s just a kid”. Yep your right, she is just a kid and needs to learn that screaming in a store, jumping on peoples furniture, having temper tantrums and being rude is unacceptable and will have consequences.
I think a lot of parents are just lazy or have tried without success and have decided to give up. Maybe they think their kids will just stop one day. I think they fail to realize that by not reacting they are in fact setting themselves up for future disasters. Then they will throw their hands in the air and wonder where they went wrong. I think praising your child for the good things they do but also recognizing the misbehaviour they display helps balance kids.
I will tell you that a few of those people that used to laugh at me about my rules and schedules are the same ones calling me asking how I did this and how I did that. They compliment me on how well behaved my daughter is and don’t think my rules and schedules are silly anymore.