There is the cliche ending to a marriage- man has affair, leaves wife. If you want to Supersize the cliche – he leaves her for his secretary. I guess today the proper term is assistant. Let’s just say then that this exit is “assisted”.
But more and more – in fact 2/3 of today’s divorces are pushed for by the woman who leaves the marriage well before she actually leaves it.
Women are caretakers but they are also initiators and planners. It is generally the woman who will say “We need more time alone” “Date night is a must” “We need a new hobby together- can I sign us up -snowshoeing, Italian classes, fusion cooking, scuba diving” and “We need to have more dinner parties”. They watch over and monitor the relationship- for closeness, intimacy, social connection, shared activity. I have said it before and I will say it again- for a woman if it is not growing it is dying. Things must evolve and change to thrive.
In all my research and in my own case though, we don’t leave because the marriage is not going through constant metamorphosis or because our husbands refused to take yoga with us. We leave because we have done everything we can to try to fix the problem(s) and nothing is working.
Initially, when we go to our mate with what we need to work on over and over and they are unresponsive, everything begins to fall apart. At that point nothing they do is right. We can’t accept any of it -none of the kindness feels kind, none of the intimacy works and we slowly retreat. We stop caretaking. We stop working at it. We begin to work at other things.Work, academia, fitness, the children or in many cases another relationship. We stop nagging and complaining because we have decided it is futile. We set our sights on the departure.
Our new silence is deciphered by our mate as happiness or contentment. Sadly, when you tell them it is over-they are shocked, didn’t see it coming, ‘thought everything was fine’.
At this juncture, our brick wall is up and only now does the man decide to work like the devil to make everything right. The therapy he ardently refused, can’t get to fast enough now, the extras he thought were ridiculous are tackled with fervour, he knocks himself out,goes through overnight transformations that he said previously were impossible. He cries, pleads and gets his mother and best friend to beg you.
But you are done. And only you know just how hard you tried.
im just catching up on all your blogging and this one is your best so far. GO NANCE
caitlin
sue- so great to hear from you- hope you are well. Thank you for reading and passing it on-nancy
Nancy – this blog was emailed to me by a divorced friend. Then, I passed it on. So many people saw themselves in this. Thank you for expressing to clearly how so many of us have felt.
Nancy this was amazing. Truly – you said it all.
Belinda- courage takes many forms- the ability to stay can be courageous too. The ability to deal, ignore, float above, count blessings and try to endure- all courage for sure.
My husband thinks my only purpose is to do sex to him & ensure he is fed. I am sooooo tired and feel so invisible. I have no value in the workplace and none in my home.
I as well was quit moved by your article. I would like to ask for reference to the research that concludes your statistic about why women divorce or leave their husbands. As well I would like to hear some thoughts about codependency. My understanding of codependency is that it includes the need for a person to be controlling a relationship and the need for the other person to be the one in control When a man does not take responsibility for the health of the relationship. It is a shame. The refusal to grow and get connected with self
I couldn’t have said it better myself! And my bursting into tears at the last line only shows how close to home this post is.
Perfectly summed up, Nancy. It agrees with research showing men’s happiness levels in marriage generally rise over time, while women’s happiness in marriage generally declines over time. Your post might just explain why!
Oof. That was a good one, Nancy. Very well said, methinks.
This was such a great article. You hit the nail on the head and described the process so well. It sounds just like what I went through. By the time they take you seriously as you said, “you are DONE!.” I truly could not believe that his changes were real- only desperate reactions. I left and saw even more of what i already knew to be right. He was not a good man and was not truly capable of change.
It is extremely difficult to do when kids are involved, but I too was looking ahead to a time when I could leave. I did not want to live my life that way. What I have now is the best role model I could have for my kids. A lovely step father and a very loving relationship.
Thanks
Nancy for your insight.
Great article Nancy. I was also in a very unhappy marriage for many years and tried everything to make it better – begged him to go to counselling but he refused. I was however to afraid to leave…and he eventually did after he had two affairs. I know that if I had known about the affairs, I would have been the one to leave – it would have goven me the strength to do the right thing. That’s why I love that blackberry message above. It’s what I should have done! What is interesting is this: most men will not leave a marriage unless there is someone else – they call it the “trapeze syndrome” – whereas a woman will leave with no one in the wings because she just “has to”…. I didn’t leave not because I was afraid of being alone, I just didn’t have the courage or the facts. In retrospect, I should have been strong like you and these other women you talk about.
wow – that is dead accurate
loved this post Nance – I will forward this link to a few male friends.
Wow! Well said.
Laura- thank you for sharing your story. I think it is true that we are over it faster only because we have been trying to get out of it for some time.
I am a woman who felt she tried everything to save her marriage- so I would say I would like to write to men to tell them what they might do- as clearly most of them seem to want to save their marriages once they FINALLY GET what is going down- and then it is too late- I will write that post soon.
Congratulations on remarrying. Wonderful to hear!
Excellent, excellent article. I am one of the women who left her marriage and shocked her husband because he thought everything was alright. We had fundamental issues though, and should not have been married in the first place, so my story is a bit different than most. The hurt my ex-husband experienced lingered for a couple years after we split. I was over it…I had been over it about 5 years before I left, so the fact that I moved on so quickly (married 2 years after splitting) was upsetting for him. I had to be (still have to be) really sympathetic towards him, and somedays that is really hard.
What do you think we as women can do about this to save those marriages?