Like sunshine and rain.
For me this Christmas is just like the chorus of this old 80’s song. There’s joy because my sister and her kids and her husband are coming all the way from Calgary to spend the holidays with us. There is joy because, despite the fact she can’t be here, my other sister is due to have her second baby any day now. There is joy because we at UrbanMoms adopted 5 sisters in need so they can celebrate Christmas together. And there is joy because my dad, healthy and content, will be with us too.
But, there is also pain. There is pain because this is the first time we will attempt a real Christmas celebration without my mom. Last year I couldn’t handle our first Christmas without her so we took off to the beach. It was fun and different but not very festive. Exactly what I needed at the time.
This year I am ready to get back to our holiday traditions and a more traditional Christmas celebration but I am also hesitant. I want my kids to have that magic and, honestly, I want a piece of it too, but I am afraid I won’t feel it. I am afraid that without my mom it will be all smoke and mirrors. That it will be all hollow and pretend without her.
Our last Christmas with her was such a gift. The one and only time we were all able to be together as one big family. It was bittersweet because we all knew what the future held but at least we were together and she was there. What will we do without her to be our centre? Remind us of our childhood traditions and memories? Cook and laugh and celebrate with? I really don’t know. But I am determined to find out. I am determined to celebrate and find some joy despite the pain of missing her. I know she would want it that way.
Is there anyone you will be missing during the holidays?