“I can bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan. And never, ever let you forget you’re a man.”
These are the infamous words of the Peggy Lee song from 1963, “I’m a woman.” However, those of you who were kids in the 70’s may remember it from the commercial for Enjoli perfume (see full ad below).
Those lyrics had a lasting effect on me. Commercials like this one, along with countless other influences, made me believe that not only could I have it all – I could excel at everything, and be tall, skinny and powerful in all aspects of my life. And….I believed it.
I believed it for a long time. Of course I would have a successful career in my field of choice. Of course, I would marry the man of my dreams and have a family too. Of course, I would always cook nutritious meals for my kids, and take them to all their extra-curricular activities, and read to them before bed. And of course, I would maintain my youthful appearance, go to the gym and keep the spice alive in my marriage.
This delusion carried on through school, university, law school and the early years of my legal career. So thorough was the brainwashing that I never once thought about childcare or the challenges of balancing work and a personal life.
Growing up in the era of Gloria Steinem and Enjoli ads, I thought it was a given that everything just worked out. My progressive parents advocated a good education above all else, but also hoped that I would have a family too. I just thought it would all be fine.
Then it wasn’t. I had a baby, then another and another. All of a sudden, it’s too much to think about work. I’m not a multitasker. When I multitask, I do things poorly. Too much of a risk to take with my precious kids. I see my friends who multitask beautifully and wonder how they do it. I just know that right now I can’t do it all. Right now, I have to be home. It feels right. Then, why do I feel like I’m always defending my decision to do so? Oh, blonde goddess/Superwoman from the Enjoli ad – I admire you, but alas, I cannot be you.
I find that purchasing perfumes online have saved me quite a lot of money over time, or at least instead of only one fragrance I have managed to purchase two.
Babies are a blessing whether you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) or a working mom. There is no reason to second guess your choices. If you do what is right for you then it’ll be OK.
I’ve always sung that commercial in my head and strived to do it all. I’ve failed in many aspects of my life, but I thank God every day for the opportunity to be a mom. (well..I thank him almost every day…but I do have an 18 year old son, 23 year old step daughter and a 6 year old while working 32 hours per week)! Sometime I actually curse him, but mutter an inaudible thank you somewhere along the line 🙂 Hang in there. Nothing better than being a Mom.
The fact that we, as women, live in a “modern” society should give us the freedom to choose to stay home or continue with our professional lives once our children are born. Sadly this is not the case. If we are blessed with the opportunity to stay with our children when they are small, we MUST continually defend our choices. That is so sad.
I am also a stay-at-home Mom, and I continually feel judged. I left a good job and a very good salary in O&G to stay with my kids because it is something I feel is important for my family. There will be other jobs, but only one set of “firsts”.
Because of my decision, I have lost nearly all of my friends. They feel that I gave up, sold out, or some combination of those. I actually had one friend, herself a mother to a toddler, ask me “What on earth do you do all day?”. I guess these people were not really my friends to begin with, but it still hurts a great deal.
It is my greatest wish that being a Mom was a valued job, and that people didn’t automatically assume that I stay home because I’m not smart or successful enough to have a “real” job. Or even worse, that I am lazy and taking the easy way out (as if being a SAHM is an easy or glamorous job!). Like you, Amreen, I gave up a career that I went to school for years to do, and I am glad I did it. It took a lot of soul-searching to redefine success, and I never thought I would be in this particular place, but here I am!
I just had to make the decision to go back to work full-time next year. I want to stay home, at least part time but unfortunately it is not financially viable for us. I am not looking forward to it because I know how hard it will be to do my job well (there’s a lot of home work with it), run my house well and most importantly, spend time with my girls.
I work part time now and it’s really hard so next year I guess I have to do the impossible or do everything poorly……
What a bummer. How did we get here as a society?
I’m with you guys! I try to remember the words of Sheryl Crow’s song Soak Up The Sun: “It’s not having what you want/It’s wanting what you’ve got”.
I also notice it’s interesting how the Enjoli woman says “…and still get to work by five to nine”. At the last corporate job I held that would have been 25 minutes late, and even arriving at 8:30 I would have been considered a clock-watcher and not willing to “put in what it takes”. I remember once asking my boss if I could take some time off in compensation for all the OT I had worked, and she said, “I have other managers in here every Saturday and they’re not asking for time off…” Sheesh!
My point being, I think career expectations have also changed since the early 80s, as have parenting expectations. Did we all walk to and from school on our own every day? Didn’t we just go to friends’ houses after school without having to diarize playdates weeks in advance? Didn’t we play outside with neighbourhood kids until the street lights came on? There’s a very strong societal expectation that we will personally supervise every aspect of our children’s lives, these days.
Anyway Amreen – do what feels right and feel lucky that you’re financially able to be home with your lovely babies while they still really need you. Lots of time left to go back to that law career when they’re all in school and too busy for Mom!
I am constantly overwhelmed, dropping the ball, and doing things poorly. The Enjoli woman may have inspired us to strive for everything but I am doing my best to try and accept that the fantasy is just that.
Wow, that commercial took me back. You know, I didn’t remember it until I saw it. I think those underlying messages via media back then were just absorbed into our pores. Like you note above, it was just “easy” and “expected” and “of course!”
I, like you, feel overwhelmed when I do too much (like now). I am one of those people who has trouble saying no and I’m far overcommitted with volunteer work and playdates and still trying to fit in some freelance writing and a life with my family, too. It’s very, very difficult. And, the result is often that I get sick. I push myself too hard and I end up getting sick. (like now)
I think it’s important to have that reality check. Those blonde goddesses who seem to do it all (and with flare) are not as they seem, either. They have supports we may not. They may not do anywhere near what you might do with your children. A comparison is just not warranted.
I think the best thing we can do for our kids is show that we’re human. That it’s important to have goals and strive to achieve them. That it’s great to have ambition and to want things. But, to also learn balance. A balanced life is a happy one, as far as I’m concerned. I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by focussing on your children right now, Amreen. You are most definitely the 2000s version of the Enjoli woman.