Last night at dinner my daughter said her guidance teacher asked all of them to ask their parents- “Do you remember the name of the sluts in high school ?” She fumbled a little with the word slut- making a point of saying the teacher said it was ok to use that word.
I love this stuff.
The teacher was telling these 13 year old girls that a reputation is something that follows you everywhere like a dark shadow. You can be remembered as kind, brilliant, athletic, funny, awkward, pretty, silly, friendly, aggressive, mean. You can be remembered as the slut.
The word is as nasty as any. It seems slippery and dirty- like something that grows under wet rocks and behind things that have gone bad and smell rank.
The challenge with daughters (and certainly with sons- although perhaps differently) is acknowledging and embracing sexuality, impulse, desire and passion without letting them confuse that with anything nudging up against the s word.
I can’t help but say in more general discussions about who we are, that what people think of us is “none of our business”. That we should be our authentic selves regardless of anything that might please or not please the general public. However, the truth is our reputation is our passport to everything that we do, every new experience and every situation we encounter. It announces us at the ‘border’.
It can open doors wide or slam them shut.
More importantly, who we are is a collage of everything we do or don’t do. Experience either enhances us or takes us down.
In 8th grade, in any school there is a girl at a dance or in a basement room house party giving a boy she hardly knows a blow job.
In our 40’s there is a woman, married with children and a Range Rover, giving blow jobs in stair wells at private clubs to a tennis pro.
We always know their names. But behind their names is a person, desperate to be seen and adored and accepted. And to feel something.
And they have know idea how to get there.
Thank-you Cynthia. Just thinking about it/talking about it gets us there.
What a great piece. And look at the discussion, too! I hope that I’m able to be so frank and respectful when my kids grow into teenagers. I’d like to think I’m very much like that and could totally have that conversation with them but we’ll see when the time comes. In the meantime, I’m working away at that respect and self-love, not only teaching them how to embrace but also to live it and demonstrate it for them.
There are so many amazing women out there who inspire me every day. Nancy, you are absolutely one of them!
Thank you! That truly is the best thing about becoming an adult; finding peace with yourself and those around you. I have two wonderful little boys, so when they become teenagers and we start having “those talks,” our conversation will probably run a little differently, but if there is one thing I hope to instill in them it will be that really, they are the only ones that will determine their happiness and success. After all, in the end, gossip and spiteful comments say a lot more about the person that is talking than it does the person being talked about.
Self confidence and determination will always overcome in the end, and when people can see that you know your own value, they’re a lot less likely to make you a target. Sadly, so few girls (and women) seem to have a strong sense of self-worth these days, which definitely contributes to wonderful girls finding themselves labeled by peers as they attempt to find their place in the world. How do you teach that realization of self-worth to a child? I don’t know, but I do know children learn more from imitation than they do from verbal instruction, so maybe ensuring that we as parents show as much self-love as we do love for others can help stop the cycle. If we celebrate the things about us and our children that are truly important, things like honesty, perseverance and compassion, they will hopefully grow up understanding that their talents and core values are what make them who they are, and that nothing anybody else says or does can change that.
I know exactly what you mean, we all deserve to be seen for all that we are, and the one thing every parent wants is for their children to be recognized for all the things that make them amazing. I think sometimes, we just have to force it in people’s faces with our own unshakable conviction…:)
Great response Kathryn. I agree. It may not be the proudest moments of our lives, but while reputation does follow you it doesn’t define you.
Hi Kathryn
This is a wonderful response and all of it was also part of the discussion with my daughters. It is lousy that we live in a world of double standards but after all and in the post modern, post feminist world it is still weird that no one mentions your husband’s past at the wedding and in your words, everyone was all over him about you.
I hate that.
Loving ourselves is everything and feeling good about what we do is all that matters- I could not agree more. I was very conflicted about the passion I had as a teenager and am only found peace with it as an adult.
I really hate that you had to put up with the gossip and that it had any presence in your wedding or in your small town. When the world sees one dramatic thing everything else is ignored. It is terrible that that was what some saw on your “passport” even though there is clearly so much more on it.
I want to be seen for all that I am and I want my daughters to be seen for all that they are. I think you and I are on the same page with this.
Thank you so much for this excellent response. I could not agree more.
I remember her name, and she happens to be sitting in my kitchen typing on the computer with a sixteen-month-old baby tugging on her hair. 😉
Seriously, there is a BIG difference between high school and adulthood, and no child should be taught that such an insignificant time will affect them for their entire lives, because it won’t. The only thing that continues to affect us is how we perceive and present ourselves. I did absolutely whatever I felt like doing in high school and my early twenties, and in my town of less than 1500 that meant EVERYBODY knew what I was doing. When I got married, there were many comments about what a fool my husband was and how I would be cheating on him within a month. I was single when I had all my “fun,” and why anybody thought I would act that way when I was married was beyond me. But quite frankly, I really couldn’t have cared less what anybody said or thought.
Nobody that decided they HAD to discuss my bedroom antics as an experimenting single teenager ever took the time to find out that I was an incredible cook, a dedicated mother, a talented writer and a loyal companion. That is who I always was and all that I am now that I am married, and everybody around me has realized that and treats me as such. The way we act day after day, every day has far more impact on the way we are perceived than any events in our past.
We are all a sum of our personality and our past experiences, and I am incredibly proud of who I am and happy with my life. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change one thing about the way that I acted, because I would never risk changing who I am.
And for the record, before we met, my husband had had more sexual encounters than me. Yet he was never gossiped about or treated with degredation by the gossipers. And THESE are the people whose opinions are supposed to matter to me? Get real! :p
Hi Jen, I remember when I was about 10 and an older boy asked me if I knew how babies are made. Since I said yes, he wanted me to prove I knew by telling him. I was too shy to tell him but went home and asked my mom how I knew. She said that when I was younger I asked her and she told me. I was satisfied with her answer. Now I have a 2 year old girl and when she will ask I will give her the information she asks at the time, no more no less, and it will be easy to explain. She is already asking what body parts are called and I tell her the real words, except I don’t like the word “vagin” (vagina in French) and try to avoid it which I know is not a good example.
This is fabulous Nancy. My daughter is only 5, and I dread the day I have to have these conversations with her because that means she’s growing up and all us moms don’t want that! I firmly believe that open communication is key to raising confident teenager into adulthood.
hey no way you are the first to confuse sex and love. We are wired to confuse this!
thanks for reading Racheal. And welcome to the UM community!
wow sarah! you are like the gilmore girls! Our fave show! Sounds like your mom is amazing.
I don’t think the boys are begging any more – I think the girls are throwing themselves at them. I actually pity the boys in a way.
As soon as I read the 1st sentence, I remembered “those girls” and all “those” comments. Thanks for this.
LOVE THIS!!! And I love that guidance teacher for being so frank with those kids. That’s what they need. I was born to a teenage (19) mom, so that door of conversation was always WIDE OPEN and discussed a lot. I was lucky.
And you are so right about talking to our sons about the same self-respect. Too much of the responsibility has been placed on the girls to not put out…what about the guys who are begging/pleading/tricking/using any means possible for it?
Wow! Great post! I wish I could talk this way with my grade eights, maybe I’ll try, there are not guidance counsellors until high school. Sex Ed might be the segue there. I remember the sluts, and I remember that I sometimes confused sex for love and acceptance also, luckily for me, not in a small community like high school, university or a small town…so….
I think it starts with the way we treat our children from the time they are born. From that minute on we are shaping them into the person they will eventually grow up to be.
Treat them with respect, and they will have no choice but to learn it.
so how do we teach that? any ideas?
I agree, self respect is universal. Well said.
please have this discussion with your sons too. Self respect is universal isn’t it?
nope- they know what I write and it is the same as what I say. That is the best part of getting older- I am the same person from all sides. My kids asked me if I was that girl ever. All I can say is you should have been at my dinner table……….
And would your daughters be gobsmacked if they knew you blogged about blowjobs???
Fantastic.
I’ve never thought of it this way and what a great lesson to be learned for our daughters.
As I read it the thought occurred to me that the girl in back in 8th grade giving the bj’s or the hand jobs is now the 35 year old, married with 2 kids and the Range Rover. But I still remember that slutty girl in 8th grade.
And it’s worse now with the internet – once it’s out there, it’s out there forever.
Sara! You are amazing and I love the way you share so easily. You are an amazing person and my newest favourite one. I wish I knew you at Uni. We could have bench pressed cheeseburgers together (I gained 15 pounds too)
Nancy – WOW! You’re such a great writer. I was the slut in university. I can own it now because as you said ‘i was desperate to be seen, adored and accepted.’ and I thought that was the way to get there. I can’t wait to teach Will the error of those ways.