She sits on her dock- the one they call “sunset dock”- with her father in the heat of the late July afternoon. Her wonderful mom, his beloved wife, has been dead now over 1000 days. This, some have said, is the magic number of grieving- a trite bit of math for a complex and profound set of emotions.
But slowly the new normal is without her, then without the constant thinking of her, the unexpected flood of tears, the seeing “her” coming down the hallway, or deadheading flowers in her treasured gardens. Her twinkle and her contagious laugh are softer, as through a fuzzy lens.
He speaks to his only daughter this evening of dating-him- and dilemmas and joys attached to this new layer in his life. She helps him with these -giving the female side-it is a little awkward but a small price to pay for new intimacy with him. She listens well and cries throughout their chat-the hot afternoon sun burning her tears dry.
He tells her how much he loves her- how proud he is of her and the family she has made. He has built something, not just this family but this place where they play and make memories but more importantly the family he has built with her late mother and all that goodness.
I have watched people lose those close to them and I see a peacefulness that a life of no regret with that person has offered them. They miss them horribly but they made every minute count. That loved one went knowing.
He says he is happy and has a had an extraordinary life and if a steamroller should run over him any time soon that he would go well, with everything done and said. “Now should that steamroller not do its job of finishing me off, he says in his adorable matter of fact way, do not be confused with how I would want to live.”
DNR.
The more I have learned, the more I have seen I have come to believe that DNR is based on living life to its fullest when you can. Do not take anything for granted, use every day up, challenge yourself, laugh hard, don’t wait to tell people how much you love them and show them in every way you can.
DNR is do not resuscitate but it comes from a life of Do Not Regret.
What do you do to make sure your life has few regrets? How do you make sure your loved ones know they are treasured? What are your rules of living deeply? I want to hear them- please send them to me.
Thank you Nancy for bringing this post directly to my inbox with your email.
It is amazing how the synchronicity can weave through life.
It is like what I imagine a good meditation feels like (I am still struggling with meditation but I really think this is the feeling of aliveness I would hope to feel)
I finally finished plodding my way through A New Earth and the message of being with a capital B, has never, ever resonated like now in my life. Three long years I dragged my little me along and finally the bigger me surfaced in the last chapters.
It is like when you suspect you are pregnant and everywhere you look, you seem to see pregnancy related signs.
When I finished the book, I stumbled upon a woman’s blog who is an amazing photographer whose family has suffered unimaginable loss of their beloved 3rd born, 3 year old girl. There is nothing like loss to rock us into recognizing the absolute impermanence of all things.
If we are lucky, recognition of the sacred potential of every breath comes with a much lesser price.
I have wondered if I left this form earlier than I wished, what I would want my girls to know. It used to be a huge list of this and that. Now it is so much simpler.
Love with a fearless, open heart. Really listen well. Be present either accepting, surrendering, enjoying or enthusiatically. Breathe. Be still. Be aware.
Free flowing water will always find its way.
When life presents difficult situations, it is up to me whether or not it is a problem or a challenge. It is all a matter of perspective and priorities.
I now try to face all my challenges or decide what is important and evaluation priorities by this rule…
The rules of 10s:
How will I feel about this decision/choice/challenge in :
10 Minutes
10 Hours
10 Days
10 Weeks
10 Years
10 Decades
I have found it simpler to gain clarity by the rule of 10s.
It allows me to translate what I might perceive as a stress or a problem which collapeses into a regret simply by looking at it through the lense of time without wasting the time unconsciously.
It doesn’t mean it prevents all mistakes. But it certainly increases the odds that my choices, actions and living (my doings) come from a place of being instead of a place of fear and anger and irrationality.
I am grateful for the forum you provide Nancy and to the people who comment who offer such input to these discussions.
Namaste
i
Hey Nancy…as per your request 🙂 Here are the links to the story of how I met my soul mate..a three part series on my blog…
http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com/the-first-kiss/
http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com/the-2am-phone-call/
http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com/when-romance-rings-the-doorbell/
Whoever takes the time to read these…enjoy….and remember it is never too late, and when you least expect it true love finds you, I am a real life example of that!
Hi Nancy….ahhh the story of me and my soul mate…one of my favorite stories to tell. And I actually have it already written…..would you like me to email you the information or simply post it as a comment. I know it is my story so I am a little partial but it is a great story! 🙂
I think you might need to send me the story of how you stumbled upon your soulmate- if you think we might be able to share it I think our readers will be so interested.
Thank you Nancy…I am not sure why but that comment warmed me right to the root of me…I think probably knowing that you are familiar with my travelled road!! As always loving reading your stuff!!
you are wise, carrie. It is impressive to see what you have made for yourself.
What a beautiful post Nancy! I actually read this first early this morning when I did not have a chance to comment but the DNR do not regret stuck with me all day and I came back to reread your post!
I have learned through the last few years of trials a tribulations of a divorce and all the struggles that came along with it that life is really too short to waste time…
I don’t get stuck in negativity anymore or childish behavior (from adults) who don’t have anything better to do with themselves but try to create havoc for others.
I have learned that the emotions that I feel in a given situation are emotions that I am choosing to attach to it. If my ex husband does something I don’t agree with … I chose whether or not I am going to get frustrated and stressed. SO I simply chose not to anymore.
I know many people say they want to or do live each day to the fullest…but I really do..as cookie cutter as that sounds… it is truly how I live!
I love my kids HUGE every day…and I thank the universe for bringing my “soulmate” in life to me…everything else is details…
Again thank you for sharing 🙂
“living deeply comes from presence’- I like it! thank you for sharing.
good list-thank you for sharing. I bet you are good at all of the above!
Hmm…I like this one Nancy.
I never regret anything.
I try to learn from everything.
I never part with my mum or dad without a kiss.
I never part or get off the phone with my husband without a “luvyoubye”
We hold hands when we go for a walk. Or when we’re watching tv.
I tell my children several times a day that I love them. I hug them. And kiss them.
I tell them regularly that I am proud of them.
I lay in bed with them every night and talk to them.
I organize a girls night out for my friends. Regularly.
I guess i just try to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
You ask, “What are your rules of living deeply?”
The more mental activity, the less presence. I don’t mean mental activity by the working mind, the mind that thinks things through and solves problems. I mean the other mind, the personal mind, the one that seems to have “I” in every other thought and “I” understood in all of them. This is the mind that likes to spin its wheels, count its chickens, belongs to a person who has something to prove, has somewhere to be, has an agenda, obsessions and compulsions. The little mind, the mind of little me.
Not that it’s wrong to have this mind. This little mind is a masquerade, a kind of shadow-show which obscures the things which are so much bigger and so much more uncontrollable. The me-mind is like the finger pointing to the moon. Sometimes we need its help to see the moon. It’s just that sometimes, too, we can only focus on the finger. When we focus on the finger, we miss the moon–we miss living deeply.
So living deeply comes from presence–something women seem to be good at naturally–being in the present moment, being grounded here and now. Being in the body. Following intuition, which is the body speaking, which amounts to trusting yourself without judgement. There is only little me there to judge anyway. Why give the me-mind all the power? The larger mind is so much… larger. Deeper.
Without interference from the little mind, sensations, emotions, inspirations enter our being, occupy space completely and leave nothing behind when they are done. While they are here, they get all the space they can fill. We can live them as deeply as they need to be lived and let them go gratefully.
Thanks for your question. I am learning every day how to live life deeply. This reflection is one which speaks to me, one which seems to have some depth to it. I wouldn’t call it a rule because rules have to be adapted to circumstances and to me, they’re always a step behind, catching up with reality. Reality straight up–that’s what seems more interesting.