Today I had to say good-bye to you all over again. I was not prepared to walk into your home and have your scent envelope me like the most familiar, warm, old blanket. Then I realized and it hit me like a slap. You are gone. The sting is still with me, a dull ache that I can’t ignore.
Everywhere I looked, you were there; smiling from your chair, snuggling with your grandchildren, feeding your beloved birds, peacefully peering out your bedroom window at your spectacular view. I waited for you to come up behind me, comforting me as I sat there needing you. But you never came. And despite this lapse, I know you never will again. Today it all came rushing back. How much you have missed in the last four months. How much you are going to miss. I want to tell you and show you, but you aren’t there.
Dad and I walked together to the place we said good-bye to you and scattered your ashes to the wind over the waterfall those months ago. Although today it was no longer lush and green as it was then, I swear I could see you in the shadows of the trees. You were, as always, full of joy and love. I could hear your feet crunching along the path of fallen leaves as the kids scampered ahead of you. I could see you patiently comforting a crying child and excitedly hearing about the latest discovery. I could hear your gentle voice on the breezes reminding me, taking me back to a time when we would always have you and the world was right. I whispered our names into the wind, leaving a part of each of us there with you.
Today was our last day at your home. Dad is moving on as you hoped he would. He is sad but not forever. We cling to each other in your absence hoping to find some semblance of you between us. It is there but, for now, for today, it is not enough.
I miss you. I need you. I love you. Forever.
Your daughter,
Jen xo
your letter is beautiful, loss is so difficult , and easier to avoid sharing as the pain is so great. Your blog was so caring . thank you
What a great letter to your mom. Moms are so important and whether it’s distance or death, they are always there, no matter what. You see her and feel her presence because she is there with you, always. Just like you are there for yours. Thinking of you.
I’ve been dreaming about her the last few days. Vivid, realistic dreams. Her voice, her (healthy) face, the touch of her hand on my arm.
God, I miss her!
Jen, keep telling her everything you need to tell her. All of the joys & pains. But also tell your Dad. He is a remarkably good listener.
Love to you all.
So beautiful. To anyone who has lost a parent, you can feel the pain of wanting something so bad in this tribute to your mom. Your head knows that it’s not going to happen but your heart is just burning as it tries to get her back. She has a lot to be proud of.
Oh, you always make me cry. Thoughts are with you. It is so hard to bear. Where do we go? Who holds us up?