Hanging out with a good friend last week who has just left a job he was at for more than a dozen years -I asked him what advice his father gave him before making the switch. He said “I don’t burden my parents with my problems. I go to them with solutions” So he never told his dad he was unhappy at work, or looking or negotiating and considering. Instead he went to him at the end of the journey-at the designation- to present the happy outcome. Done deal.
We got to talking and I realized that I always share things with my parents. I try not to burden with little things. Before I left my marriage, I hid deeply even though my mom knew I was deeply distraught. Soon, I could no longer hide or pretend around her. For a long time you don’t share because you don’t want your close people to harbour any resentment to your spouse. There is a loyalty that is deeper than blood. Throw in pride, shame and guilt and you are not telling anything. At that point it has less to do with burdening and more to do with hiding.
That period when you keep it all inside and gulp back the difficulty is odd. If you don’t say it it does not need to be real. You get to live on two levels; the devil of your sadness but also your continued state as a unit. Soon you allow the blessing of sharing.
When I started opening up to a select few-only family at the very beginning-it scared the wits out of me. When you say things out loud and explain them- you yourself hear the enormity for the first time. You see how intricate the details of sadness are. It becomes real for you.
I brought up the blessing/burden thing with another friend and she told me that she does not go to her parents with any real problems because of the emotional space that her siblings take up. There is no perceived room for her problems, she feels.
Then I started to wonder if maybe I take up more than my fair share-leaving little for my brothers.
So I told my mom that my New Year’s Resolution was to ‘keep it light’- that I would no longer burden her with any deep details of difficulty.
Well, that lasted a day or so.
I realized for us that is where real intimacy comes from. This is what I want with my daughters as well. I see it as a blessing.
How do you see this-burden or blessing?