I met Sarah Hampson at a chic coffee shop back in November. I had emailed her to talk about my upcoming blog launch (My Family is Not Broken-) about divorce and separation and she was very generous with her advice and time. I had been a follower of the award winning Globe and Mail columnist of Generation Ex for a long time. She often spoke for me and to me and I admired her matter of fact style and survivorship.
I liked her immediately – a wonderful storyteller, a brave soul and a very good listener-an obvious from her years of interviewing but such a rare and treasured quality.
Sarah has just launched a book Happily Ever After Marriage about her own journey from wifedom and motherhood to singledom and empty nesting. It is revealing and personal and yet tremendously universal. It speaks to all sides of separation and divorce-the desperate sadness and loneliness, the necessity in what needs to be done however painful and the happiness that is achievable after the loss.
We are a funny generation -born from June Cleavers, fed off the sexual revolution, snacking through the feminist movement, chewing on the merits of the post feminist surge and ultimately confused by the buffet of choices. We knew our parents’ marriages but fought to have our own kind and yet so many of them choked under the need to be both. Sarah says “I thought husbands were like taxi drivers. If you chose to take one, to become a passenger, they would get you to your destination safely. That was their job wasn’t it? They had a licence. They would know the way”. I often felt I wanted a grown up modern marriage but longed to be taken care of as much as to take care of the other. It was what I knew growing up. Roles were completely clear and expectations understood.
When I love a book and it speaks to me I underline my favourite parts, to go to later, to help me memorize and to make the book my chatty friend. There was much underlined in this book and much of it is readable and important even to the married population. Sarah says”marriages are opaque” and we know this is true as we know not of struggles until they are shared. She knows that difficult marriages are spotted with ‘postcard moments’- beautiful family times (birthdays, holidays) and extreme busyness that can buffer the sadness and loneliness. “Forgiveness darns holes as they appear. New developments stretch it thin in places and leave it thick in others.”
In a chapter she calls The Dating Pool is Very Shallow she offers candid advice to the MLW (mid life woman). She expands amusingly on the following; Best to see a man as icing to your cake,Beware of the delusional projection, Friday night by yourself does not qualify as a cosy date-no matter how nice it feels, Don’t be afraid to get naked and It’s a brave new world of clipped and waxed romance and There is more on the sexual menu. Yikes.
Towards the end of the book, Sarah reflects on the complexities of marital sex in the form of
an imagined bedtime conversation between a married couple. All I can say is everyone should read pages 236-239 because I think she nailed it for both men and women.
I smiled and laughed reading this book and with all life reflections that hit home, had a wee cry. I found, as I always do when anyone shares a piece of themselves, that we are connected in our shared humanity.
Of all the things I underlined the one I loved the most was “I was not making very much money but I had a psychic income. My sense of self was getting richer“.
Sarah- keep telling your story-I think it helps in ways we may not even know. Good luck with that book! What a great accomplishment. Nancy
Thanks Nancy. Very nice review of my book. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I have heard from many women at various speaking events etc that they’re finding it helpful. Which is so nice. And I knew immaediately when I met you that we would like eachother. All the best.
well done – she is obviously of the same mindset as you are. bitsy
oh I love that Idas- ‘the modern coffee table’. clever- let me know what you think of the book-n
I look forward to getting this book. Thank you for displaying in on the modern coffee table for us to spot.
It sounds valuable for anyone, (re)starting, inie or outie.
Good on you.
Id