‘Any natural normal human being when faced with any kind of loss will go from shock all the way through acceptance’
~Elizabeth Kubler Ross
I am consistently amazed at how loss is loss and the stages we go through are similar regardless of what the loss is.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ famous 5 stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were seen at one time as the only way to get through loss and come through the other side in good shape.
Lately this widely accepted theory has been challenged. It is now believed that how we deal with loss and grief can be as individual as we are. Our society has a way of either rushing grief or ignoring it. A man remarrying quickly is seen as normal because the perception is that a man cannot handle living on his own, a woman doing so too quickly is seen as callous or not embracing her grief.
I love the story of a woman in a self help group for widows who, when her turn comes to say her piece, says “I want to know how not to be here 5 years from now” and the group turns their collective heads sympathetically to the side and says “You are just in denial”. (!)
When I looked to therapy as a way to deal with the initial loss of what I thought my life would be – I flopped into the big chair and said ” I want to know what I need to do to get through this and come out better for it.” I earnestly took out a pad of paper and a pencil – ready to jot down the 10 steps necessary. I guess this was kind of funny to the therapist. But I was scared to death of being “stuck”. And REALLY scared of not learning from past errors
In 2008, Sotheby’s sold Damien Hirst’s DABDA painting for $2.8 million. It is 5 panels overlaid with real butterflies- Kubler Ross favourite symbol for the metamorphosis available to us as we overcome loss. DABDA being the acronym for denial, acceptance, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I still say hope, humour and moving things forward is my tried and true method for getting through anything big and scary. I am with that widow who said ” I know I don’t want to be here in five years”. Because in the last almost 5 years since separation I have come a long way- but a long way must continue forward or you find yourself in a new “stuck.”
What do you think of DABDA and the 5 stages of grief? How do you/how have you overcome loss and grief?
Oh Deb, I had no idea. How painful for you. I am so sorry. Be gentle with yourself (I am not good at this!)- and time will heal.
I’m grieving right now, again. My marriage disintegrated, I dealt with it. Met a nice man who was separated but only “in his mind”. In the real world, still married apparently. So I’m grieving again. I did love him.
For me grief is necessary. It hurts. It’s like a pain in your leg when you’ve overdone it at the gym. A reminder to slow down and let things heal. And of course things take time to heal. Time truly is the best healer. I keep reminding myself daily, hourly, that things will get better. It will pass. And I’m being gentle with myself. I didn’t know he was married when I met him, that’s what I’m beating myself up about for the most part.
Anyway, time and gentleness and a belief that it will pass and that the sun will shine again.
Desi – what an incredible comment. What a true description of grief. Nanc…I wasn’t really well versed in the 5 stages…but it really is what I went through. I have seen so many get stalled in these stages and I wish I could push them through…. I like that people can look at the 5 and try to get there but I agree with Desi – I think it’s so personal that everyone has their own.
This is beautiful written Desi- thank you for sharing and so sorry for your loss.
When I lost my cousin last year, my family talked about the five stages of grief, and how we would deal with them as they came. And then we talked about how we would identify those stages as they came, because none of us had words to describe how we were feeling. And then some of us talked about getting out of bed everyday, breathing in and out, having a shower and just getting through it. And then, having done that, we started talking about the kind of life we would be living if we knew it could end so suddenly. And then a few of us started trying to do that.
Grief for me was like a long, dark, sleepwalk through something viscous and spoiled. Coming out the other side of it is so personal, so individual, that I’m skeptical it can be quantified by a five-step summary. I agree with you absolutely – we always need to keep moving forward.