I’ve been thinking about this post for a long time. It’s about stress. How it affects our mental and physical health. The stigma. The helplessness.
I am living my life at the very edge of my stress threshold. That means it’s really, really easy to go past the tipping point into high anxiety mode. This happened to me last week and I am struggling with it today.
Let me explain.
I’ve had a very rough six years. A lot of bad stuff has happened. There’s no need to hash it out but suffice it to say I’ve been struggling. My social isolation (partially self-imposed, partially location related) hasn’t helped as I don’t have the support I need. Good stuff has happened too, like my girls being born, but that’s also stressful (as all parent know and parents of twins really know). Being a working, commuting parent is very stressful.
I’ve been working pretty hard to deal with my stress and to become happier. I’ve been working out, reading books, writing this blog, socializing more (could use more of that – it’s hard living here), etc. But, it still doesn’t take much to tip me over (like a little tea pot).
Two weeks ago my job changed. I was moved from a grade four class to a grade 7 and a grade 8 class (Math & English for both classes). I haven’t taught intermediate in five years. I don’t have a lot of resources for those grades. I’m not as intimately familiar with the curriculum for 7/8 as I am for the junior grades. So, this means my workload is at least doubled, and it was quite a workload to begin with.
I had a mini-meltdown. The anxiety was terrible. The dread building in the evening the closer I got to bedtime. I started staying up later and later to put off the inevitable.
Today I’m home because I have a doctors appointment. About stress. I called last Tuesday when I was melting down, but I couldn’t get in until today. The receptionist did unhelpfully suggest the ER, but…stress isn’t an emergency, is it? I’m really anxious today because I’m working until I go to my appointment, and I see all that I have to do, to do my job really well, and it’s a lot. It seems unmanageable. I’m told that my I have expectations of myself that are too high, but I have to, my job is important, really important. Sometimes it seems like nobody else (especially administration/Ministry) thinks it’s important, by I do.
Sometimes is there is something wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be able to handle it all? There are people who have much harder lives than I do and here I am whining. How much of my stress is self-imposed, vis a vis, expectations? What should I do about it? Counseling is a big challenge here – long drives, few options.
Now, I’m not sure what I’m going to say to the doctor. What can he do for me anyway? I’ve considered stress leave…then rejected it because I don’t want to be labeled weak. And, it would not be good for my students to have another change.
Weak. Labeled. Any mental health problems are stigmatized in our society. We can educate and discuss it until the cows come home, but it’s still there. I do it myself sometimes when I hear of someone on stress leave. I have a brother with a mental illness and sometimes I think: “Oh, come on, get a job and do something productive already!”
Why is this? Why can’t we just accept that mental illnesses are as “real” as physical illnesses? Stress and other mental health issues do also impact our physical health (read the book I’ve named this post after by Gabor Mate) . We would never doubt someone with cancer or heart disease, so why do we with mental illnesses?
Chris,
This is more about me, personally, than being teacher. It is a very demanding job but right now my own personal struggles made it hard for me to deal with the changes in my job (not to minimize it though, it’s a big change and not easy).
I’m gathering from the comments here that a lot of people feel the same way some of the time and that we need to talk about this more.
As I said to Mary, I will survive!
Thanks Mer,
I know I will survive (the song is now full on in my head, thanks for that!).
You make a good point about breathing through the pain. And, especially, maybe not working so hard on getting better.
So, should we abandon our seeking? We’ll have to continue this conversation in person!
I’ll check out the Marth Beck article asap (although I have to say the latest issue of Oprah did NOT help me find my true calling).
Jennifer,
I totally agree that we need to talk about it. And, it may seem risky, but blogging about it is much easier than talking about it.
I do wish that we (as a society) were more open about our true feelings and frustrations.
Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate your support.
Sarah,
I would love some stuff… we should talk. It’s a bloody tough job isn’t it. As Julie posted, the extras…PLCs, etc., really add a strain.
I guess the thing is, I’m too close to the threshold to handle the change well….although…the kids don’t know it and they’ll be fine.
I’ll email you about English.
Thanks for you support.
Tracey, that’s some bedhead then.
We would get into trouble, were I in Montreal, but it would be worth it. Thanks for your support.
It was really brave of you to share this, my first reaction was, Oh my god, she is describing exactly what I am feeling on four out of seven days – then I got to the part where you are writing about being a teacher. Being a teacher must be one of the most demanding jobs there is for a woman and mother and you sound like you are one of the good ones. The ones that really give their heart-blood for the kids. I understand and find it really admirable you are giving your best for your pupils!
I really hope you find a way to reduce stress and feel better!
Dear Erin,
Everyone needs help sometimes. I’m glad you’ve found such an amazing ‘on-line’ community to support you. I know what a challenge your location is for you.
Like you, I’ve had countless bumps (the kind that take you out at the knees). Looking back, I don’t know how I got through. Sometimes therapy, sometimes Zoloft, countless times I’ve succumb to addictions to get through. You do what you need to do.
But maybe there’s another way through the chaos?
What I thought of reading your post was how much energy we spend trying to stay afloat when we’re sinking fast. That’s our instinct and it’s as strong as our will to breathe. But what if we stopped spending our energy on fighting, worrying, antagonizing and just let go and said “O.K., so this is what bad looks like?” If you have faith and hold on ‘You will Survive’. It’s not a full-out crash you’re experiencing rather a bump on the ride of life’.
As I get older (40 next year) I hope to God I’m learning just a little something from this thing called life. Next time things fall apart (which I guarantee they will) although it may seem impossible – just ‘breathe through the pain’.
Here’s an article by Martha Beck, which made sense to me. http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Strategies-for-Mental-Rest-and-Relaxation-Martha-Beck-Advice
I know it’s all easy to read on paper, and much harder to do in your own world. Just know you’re a wonderful woman and a great friend.
p.s. writing it down and sharing your experience is a great place to start.
xoxoxo
Hi Erin…I recognize a lot of myself in your post, and I just want to tell you that life always gets way better! You absolutely must share honestly with your doctor. You have a responsibility to yourself and your family to stay well!
I suffered from depression when my son was 4 and my daughter was one. I was surprised when the psychologist diagnosed me as having postpartum depression. Although it’s not the same type of stress you’re experiencing. I completely understand the overwhelming pressure and anxiety. And that feeling that you’re on a tightrope trying to juggle everything.
It helped so much to talk to a psychologist, and I came through it, and you will too! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Taking a leave of absence is not a weakness–that’s just your stress talking. You must stop worrying about what anyone else thinks, because more often than not, they’re going through the same thing you are. I don’t know anyone who is perfect and can handle stress all the time.
You must take care of yourself first. You’ll come back a much healthier teacher, who has compassion and understanding for any students or fellow teachers (and let me assure you, there are others feeling exactly the same way you do), who are going through difficult times.
I believe in talking about depression/anxiety. Everyone should be as honest as you have been–thank you!
We take on way too much as teachers. WAY. TOO. MUCH.
There is always something more expected of you and never enough time to get it done.
I have no good advice except to say thank you so much for sharing this!! Just based on the comments alone, you are not the only one feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and just over it.
If it’s any help, I teach 7/8 English and would more then happy to send you materials that I’ve collected and/or lesson ideas. No one should be thrown into that kind of work load out of the blue with little help/resources!!
OMG, Tracey! So does mine!
Erin, I hope you’re having a bit of a better day, today. (hugs)
I love reading all this support here for you, Erin.
Also? My daughter looks exactly like that cat does in the mornings… I’m just sayin’. Hee!
Oh Erin – I don’t know you but I wish I could help in some way. Bring you a meal, make you a tea, slip some chocolate between your doors, lend a shoulder. In the absense of that, I can send you peaceful vibes.
Life can be challenging and it’s okay – in fact healthy – to admit that. You don’t need to justify feeling the way you do. It’s enough to feel that way.
I wanted to let you know that I hit a wall about a year ago. I have a daughter with a chronic, at times life threatening, illness that often means I sleep very little for nights on end in order to care for her. A prolonged lack of sleep and the usual assortment of life challenges left me feeling like I had absolultely nothing left in reserves. By 10:00 am some mornings I had my hands in the chocolate chips just to make it through the day. Not the healthiest response. I went to see my naturopath who prescribed some supplements for adrenal support, along with vitamin B complex and D and EFAs, a few simple dietary changes and a “prescription” for yoga. She also helped me come up with a list of 10 things I would let go or hand off in order to create peaceful spaces in my life. I was amazed at the difference it made for me and I think it was not only the physical changes as well as the “permission” to admit I needed some help and the “right” to make my needs a priority.
I imagine teaching is a very stressful profession and as I spend more and more time facilitating learning experiences for groups of children, even my own, I have an increasing amount of respect for people who choose to teach young children for a profession.
Please let those around you who can help, help. Let some things go – including the idea that good enough isn’t good enough. Give yourself permission to be where you are without judgement. Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
PS: I wished I lived closer too.
PPS: I reread my post and see a lot of typos, but I’m going to let that go, for now.
Wow. Thanks for all the support. I’ve been trying, hard, to reduce my stress levels but it hasn’t worked. Time to call in the cavalry, and I am, but there’s a wait time and a long path to get there.
I still have a little bit of humour in me as you can tell from the picture of the cat, it was my laugh of the day.
Right now I have some work to do and a child screaming Mommy (in the safe arms of Daddy) in the background. Yikes!
You are not whining. Stress does not scale, and there is no medal awarded to The Best Stress Manager. I applaud you for going to the doctor, know that you have the support of so many people, and the strength to tell your doctor exactly what’s going on so that she can show you the tools to feel better. My thoughts are with you. And my support, and strength and hugs. Hang in there.
Oh Erin. Erin! Lovebug, I’m so happy you shared this… I think one of the biggest problems is internalizing all of this stuff, to the point that we really start breaking. I’m so proud of you for saying it out loud. I know it’s not a cure, but it’s a start. Nor am I belittling real problems that need solutions and care. I just think it is indeed a shame to carry a weight about needing help in any kind of way – why we don’t think of mental illnesses as being real and physical is beyond me, really. We need to share our “stuff” so it becomes less of an anomaly, but rather something that can be shared without having the word “crazy” branded upon one’s forehead.
I’m sending you hugs and kisses and support, lady. Hang in there. xoxoxoxox
PS – I wish I lived closer too… we’d get in all kinds of trouble though. 😉
Erin:
I’ve only been in teaching for just over 6 years and my number one complaint about the profession is a complete lack of time. A lack of time to complete what I consider the basics of being a good teacher, a lack of time to work with my students and a complete lack of time to reflect upon my job, what I could do better, what I’d like to learn more about and time to consolidate all the learning that goes on at PLC’s, PD Days and board meetings. I know of few other professions (save perhaps the medical field) where people constantly and consistently put everyone (their students) before themselves. In part I think it is this quality that brings people into education (a commitment to and a realization of the huge scope of the responsibility we’ve been given). Again there are very few professions in which people go to work for 8 hrs (not including commuting or staying late to prep/plan) and then come home cook dinner, walk the dog, do some laundry and go back to work again for another 2-3 hours and then head off to bed, often getting up early to finish preps or marking. We do this day in and day out …. for an entire career… my mom is this person… she’s been teaching for 27 years and for as long as I can remember she has always done at least 30 minutes of prep work at home everynight… she still does… she too says that not all her colleagues to do but she needs to do this do her job well. I feel the same way and like you and like my mother take my role as TEACHER very seriously – I don’t feel like I would be doing myself or my students justice unless I put as much work into it as I do. My mom however, for the most part has always done this with balance in her life – I struggle with the balance.
All this being said… rewind to my third year of teaching… I had a very rough class but deep down they were good kids and we had fun together, we laughed and did great work and I loved coming to work (in fact it never really felt like work)… until March of that year. I caught myself yelling at my kids for no real reason, getting mad at them for things I would normally have let fly and driving home from work one day I realized I was planning how I could “be sick” so that I didn’t have to go to work the next day. I was experiencing what the psychologist called: extreme stress related burn out. There were alot of reasons that it had gotten to this: working late – up early, coaching several sports teams, staying in at all recess with kids helping them with various this school related and life related, planning and brainstorming and always working to create the most fulfilling lessons for my students – being a perfectionist, type A personality, and all the baggage that that meant I carried at home as well. I took the next day off… and the next day and the next day… after a week off work, a week of sleeping, long walks, long talks with my then fiance (now husband)… and after talking with a psychologist twice in that week… I was finally able to come to terms with the fact that I needed a break. Like you … I had all these barriers in my mind that I needed to overcome… people will think I’m weak… I’ve only been teaching for 3 years… what am I complaining about… I could hear their voices “Just don’t do as much” ” You don’t need to prepare as much as you do” “She just doesn’t want to work.” “She’s lazy” etc etc you get get the picture. But I knew if I continued the way I was things would only get worse…
I was on stress leave for 3 months… I ended up taking anti-depressants (a low dose) for about a year – although I didn’t initially think this was necessary it became apparent after speaking to the psychologist that I needed something to help balance out my highs and lows while dealing with the stress and anxiety. I spent a great deal of time looking after myself (mind you I didn’t have children then) but I worked with my husband to come up with several different methods to cope with my stress – I also worked hand in hand with the psychologist and my hubby to alter my expectations of myself.
Clearly – I could go on about this for a while… being a new mom now – I know that I’ll have to alter my expectations of myself, relearn to ask for help more often and take time for myself before I get that ‘panicky loosing my breathe feeling’. I hope that you got some answers from your Dr today – I have a feeling he/she is going to suggest that you need time away from your job (I know you’re thinking of your students and the change they’ve undergone but know that students/kids are resilient and they’ll be ok), you need to take care of yourself so that you can continue to be an awesome teacher who continually thinks outside the box and creates authentic and meaningful learning experiences for her teacher and even more importantly you need to look after yourself so that you are a less stressed and less anxious woman for your girls and for your husband.
The psychologist said this to me when I was wavering about taking sick leave, “If you had a government job at a desk and where feeling this stressed and full of anxiety, would you think twice about taking stress leave from this job to work on yourself?” I very quickly came up with the answer “NO”. At the end of the day teaching is our job even though we (most of us) treat it as much more.
Maybe you can take stress leave for a few months and find a good psychologist in North Bay. Maybe it means leaving in an evening and being away overnight once a week in order to make your appointment – talking to someone, a third party someone really helped me alot I don’t believe that moving forward and finding a balance, dealing with the death of your sister and everything else you’ve blogged about can be done alone. Asking for help is the biggest step of all – and you’ve done that today. 🙂
Thinking of you.
Oh Erin. I wish I lived closer to you! Please go to the doctor and ask for help. Stress and anxiety are medical issues and saying you need help is not weak. On the contrary, it takes a strong person to ask for help. When I was seeing my postpartum doctor she commended me on getting help so fast – in my mind I waited forever. She said that people go YEARS and then go in and say ‘these were the worst three years of my life.’ No one should have to live like that. You shouldn’t have to live with this. From only the small amount I know of you – that’s a ton to take on in the last few years of your life. Losing my sister alone is something that I can’t even think about without needing a timeout to gather myself. I started getting anxious knowing she had applied for a job in another city.
One last thing – don’t compare your issues to others – absolutely are there worse people out there – do people suffer greater hardships? Sure – but your struggles are yours and they are struggles….
It will get better! It will….asking for help is a BIG step. Maybe you do need a leave. You’ve written that you’re at a point of needing to accept and move on from your sisters passing – maybe it’s all too much at once….baby steps my friend.
Erin- brave of you to share this. Getting help and giving yourself time to slow down(I know ! very hard) will help you. I have a problem with doing too much and then feeling guilty about the quality of what I am doing – like how much is left over for my children and family. I also cannot bear anyone to call me other than strong- I understand you! Have you considered a regular therapist? It is nice to have someone to listen to you, unequivocally. That helped me a whole lot.
I definitely agree with Jen – the doctor is a great resource to help you look at what your options are – and you are definitely not alone. Stress can seem so insurmountable, but even harder to face alone. Ask for help – it’s ok!
*Hugs*
Go to the doctor and be totally honest. Show him/her this post. Take care of yourself. If you are at the breaking point you need to take care of yourself first. You are no good to your students, kids, husband, self if you lose it and it sounds like you are well past that point. Don’t let guilt or a chip on your shoulder keep you from doing what you need to do.
Sometimes people just need a break and maybe a little help with meds or therapy or other or all to get back to a place where they can see a way to cope. You need to figure that out in order to make this work. And I know you will!