Are we what we think?
I wrote about Mindset here and you can read more on Carol Dweck’s website here.
Since I read this post “A Certain Kind of Sadness” – and especially the comments – of Jen’s, I’ve been pondering this issue. The premise of the post is that we need to keep our power. Not give in to sadness, or feelings of powerlessnes. We need to take responsibility for our actions, our lives. I do agree with this. It is hard work. We need to do it. I’m still a work in progress. My new daily mantra is, “I am good enough”. I’m serious. I meditate on this phrase.
But look around you. There are a lot of f**^ed up people out there. They are sad, addicted, depressed, anxious… Mental illness seems almost epidemic. Watch Brene Brown’s latest Ted Talk on shame. Somehow, many of us have confused guilt with shame. Instead of thinking, I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry I DID a bad thing” we think, “I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry, I’m a bad person.” Giving into this shame diminshes our power. According to Brene, this is where depression, addiciton, bullying, eating disorders, etc. come from – shame. We are never good enough.
Yes, we have the power to change this. To change our thoughts…but…
I also think that we need to help others with this, especially children. I seem to always look at things from an education perspective – makes sense I guess. I also look at it from a political perspective – maybe because my BA is in Political Science. I see it as a problem that needs to be addressed by society.
I see so many children who have a fixed mindset – about themselves, about learning. Why? Sometimes it’s their background. Abusive. Controlling. Fixed mindset parents. Sometimes it seems we are just born this way.
I think it is our job as parents and teachers to help children to develop a growth mindset. Jen talks about helping her children. I’m trying with my children (it’s hard – I already see fixed mindset in my girls). I try with my students.
And, I try to help my friends when I can. I know I can’t change them or make them change their mindset. But I can help. That’s what I mean by a leg up. I don’t mean making excuses forever because ultimately we are all (adults) responsible for our own lives. I mean holding out a hand to another suffering human being.
Hmm. Does this mean they don’t take any responsibility? Does it allow them to continue making excuses? This is a tough issue and question. It’s similar to the question “does affirmative action help or hinder”, but even more complicated. We can’t oversimplify.
If I had more time I would definitely try to research this from a cultural perspective – I really wonder if other cultures (I include N. America, Aus, NZ & the UK in our culture) have different proportions of fixed/growth mindsets, shame and levels of depression, addiciton, etc.
I obviously did not express myself clearly in my comment on Jen’s post. I do fundamentally agree with this idea – I just think that somehow our culture/society subverts this and we need to do something. I haven’t fully formulated my thoughts and ideas and need research to do it properly. A project for summer.
What do you think?
Yes it’s Hold On to Your Kids with Neufeld and Mate. It affirmed and reinforced so much of my parenting philosophy when I read it. It came just as we were deciding about homeschooling and it gave me the confidence to homeschooling. As my kids get older and move out into the world more, I can see the influence of not living in a peer centred environment.
I don’t know if you have read any of the research on elephants (lol – it’s not really off topic). When young elephants are separated from their elders they suffer a lot of mental health issues, are unable to learn how to self regulate etc. They exhibit a lot of anti social behaviors, self harm or are agressive. I think that its an interesting parrallel to what happens when kids are left without a solid healthy connection to an elder and it’s part of the reason I think less school, rather than more, is the way to go, especially for the younger kids.
I also think that optimism and resilience (for lack of a better term) can be learned. I sound like an old lady. But in my grandmother’s day, and even my mother’s, life was different, harder in many ways and yet oriented towards people with multiple layers of connection. That’s missing now for most kids. Life is easier in many ways (so we have less perspective to fall back on to get us through the challenging times). We are dramatically less connected IRL in my experience. And I think that it is connection, and experience working through hardship that feeds the “I am valuable” notion that can pre-empt shame.
Jenn, I agree we lead by example but I think we also have to help them navigate their emotions – I’m reading a great book now called Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children which is helping me.
Karen – Thank you for your thoughtful response. I like what you say about connection and the lack of it, I think that is what I was getting at with helping others – our connection helps. So many people live in isolation. I have to revisit Nuefeld after reading your post (is is the Nuefeld / Mate book? you refer to?). I sooo wish I had more time to investigate this further, I can’t wait to read further thoughts.
Annette, I so believe it is tied into shame. Wish I could go to NYC to see Brene in April.
I think some of it is cultural, some of it is personal and some of it is systemic and teasing that apart is difficult.
You might be interested in this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqIy21WQpIM (I met this kid – he’s amazing! – and his talk highlights for me some of our big picture cultural issues)
I do think that a large part of this is a lack of connection with others. I think we need to make some broad policy type decisions to support mental health and wellness and I think those need to start with family and community support. I am not a supporter of the new all day Kindegarden because I think that schooling now comes at the expense of family and community connections and I truly believe that is one of the reasons we have so many challenges. (I love Gordon Neufeld’s philosophy here and see it manifest in my own kids.)
This leads to a broader cultural question about why we are educating our children the way we are, what are our goals for that education, and are there healthy ways to develop those institutions (which plays into the Brene Brown talk, and so many other real needs that often aren’t accounted for in our school system – real work, connection to nature, spiritual/physical balance, self determination, free thought).
I know that school for some is a refuge, and I think we need to maintain that sort of resource for kids, but I also think that our factory models aren’t the healthiest choices for a human scale (not for education, medicine, or food).
On a personal level, I think there are many choices that parents can make for their families which can counter balance the societal influence towards lack of connection, and to give kids skills that will help them meet social challenges like the ones Jen referred to. We can also help kids by helping society take the focus off them. We are kid centred in the wrong ways, and we are giving our kids all the wrong things and it shows. Their lives (and our own) are out of balance which is why so many of us are out of balance.
Lastly I think that some of this is just genetic. And those who stuggle with physiological or traumatic situations need our full support, and compassion.
Interesting topic – I need to think a bit more and come back to it.
And ignoring our duty to our fellow human beings.
I am asking people to think outside of only themselves with this topic. All the responses (one here, several on facebook) are about changing your own thinking.
Think of the movie Precious. The horrific abuse that girl suffered. The huge impact on her cognitive and emotional development. What helped her to only begin to make change? A teacher. She needed help. She needed help because this is a f**d up culture in many ways.
The wealthy (mostly white but changing demographic) our sorrows are all about self-esteem – trying to get over fitting in. Very important to me – a huge struggle. But – way less serious than overcoming sexual abuse.
I think calling for positive thinking is way over simplifying. Yes, that is where the person who suffers needs to get but I think that educated (by that don’t mean university – I mean well infomed, open-minded peeps), middle and upper income people who judge are being supercilious.
Yes, we do have the power! We can only control how we act and react to different situations. We all go through trials in our lives. These trials provide the opportunity to grow and excercise our integrity and gives us a choice of where we go afterwards. We all suffer with feeling inadequite and out of control. If we choose a positive attitude in every circumstance and act on it, we are shoosing to rise above. By example we lead our children and those close to us. If the adults man up so will the next generation with support and tools that we leave in our wake. Just because we make the positive choice DOES NOT mean that everything will be easy and our troubles will go away, it simply means we are taking action and responsability. THese are just my thoughts, and how I strive to live my own life and teach my own children.