When I hear “Good Job!”, I throw up in my mouth a lot little.
I saw the light after I started reading Alfie Kohn’s writings, including, but not limited to, Unconditional Parenting and Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes.
The gist of his thesis is that behaviourism does not help children to become good people. Behaviourist theory states that you can change someone else’s behaviour through punishments and rewards, like Pavlov’s dog. And you can. In the short term. For the wrong reasons. Kohn also talks about kids becoming “Praise Junkies” and how it creates extrinsic motivation instead of intrinsic motivation.
I got to thinking about this subject again after reading a tweet by a fellow educator. There was a big conference on technology and education last week (I really, really wanted to go, but that’s another post, sigh). The tweet was about a book called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. I linked to the book’s website which led me to “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise, by Po Bronson in New York Magazine. It’s an old article, but it’s still relevant.
Bronson discusses how the self-esteem movement that started in the 70s has led parents to overpraise their kids. He specifically talks about telling kids that they are smart. He sites research (some by Dweck, thus the link on her website) that shows that praising children’s intelligence actually can lead to underperformance. “When we praise children for their intelligence,” Dweck wrote in her study summary, “we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” But when children were praised for their hard work, it had the opposite effect, they were willing to take risks and realized that mistakes are a part of learning. In further interviews, Dweck found that children who thought that innate intelligence was the key to success, did not think that effort was important. Dweck studies found this to be equally true in all socioeconomic levels and with both sexes. There is a really interesting study cited in the article about a school in Harlem. The control group was taught study skills and the others got study skills and a brief module on how the brain creates new neurons and synapses when challenged. Guess which group fared better on tests?
I’ve known this for a while and I try really hard to keep my praise specific at school and at home. I don’t give stickers out and I try to give specific feedback to students as much as possible, praise and constructive criticism. I definitely see that the system, and maybe parenting (I don’t really know), has turned some of the students into kids who don’t want to try very hard for fear of making mistakes and looking stupid. I see this with the kids who were likely praised for being smart and with the kids who really struggle in school and are probably never told they are smart. Upon reflection, I could praise them more, specific praise. As for my own kids, I’m very conscious of my praise, it is always specific. However, I do occasionally use small bribes, like treats for finishing supper.
In the New York Magazine article, Po also writes about how he changed the way he praised his son and what a difference he noticed. His son did much better under the new regime and Po realized that he was the one who was the “Praise Junkie”, as he suffered from praise withdrawal. I think our kids need to understand that mistakes are learning opportunities and that, through perseverance and hard work, they can accomplish almost anything they want.
What do you think about praise? Punishments and rewards?
Jen,
I dunno, maybe I read too many books but they apply to my teaching practice also and I do think there is some value in child development study. As I said to Ali, this really speaks to me as a parent, and as a teacher. I’m convinced by the studies (I realize that there is a new study every week, but I’m convinced) and by what I see in my classroom. Some kids are afraid of risk and making mistakes and don’t even try. I know that there are many, many factors that could come into play here but I think being praised all the time with generic “Good Job” and “You’re so smart” can back fire. I’m not saying never say these things but it seems that if kids are told they’re smart, some of them think that intelligence is simply innate and that if they don’t get something right away, they are stupid and no amount of work will help them master the topic at hand.
I don’t read books on parenting or have a “philosophy”. In fact, I abhor labels and avoid “expert” advice. I think the best way to parent, as with any relationship, is authentically. If you believe your child did a “good job” and they deserve to know it, then tell them in whatever way makes sense for you. I think if praise is authentic then there can never be too much!
I am always telling my kids how awesome they are, how much I admire them, how smart and beautiful they are. I never, ever feel that it is too much or over the top because it is real. I want them to know that, no matter what anyone else says, they are fabulous.
Ali,
It didn’t come off as judging at all. And I guess my opening statement in the post does. There’s just something about hearing Good Job that rubs me the wrong way.
I agree with your points above, no they are not so bad. It’s the “Good Job” for every little thing that bugs me. You know, “I put your socks on” (the kid is 7), “Good Job!”, “I took my plate to the kitchen”, (age 9), “Good Job!”.
Also, I would never put any limit on “I love you”, those are the most important words. And the actions that back them up.
Obviously, I can’t really speak THAt much to this without reading the literature you speak about…but, I just think there’s a huge difference between telling a child that he or she is “smart” or “pretty” etc. I see how these sorts of things can REALLY be a problem…but a “good job” to me – not to everything – but when it’s actually appropriate…I really don’t see how that could be bad.
“Mom, I memorized all my lines for the play!”
“You did? Good job!”
“Mom, I read the entire book all by myself!”
“You did? Good job!”
To me…these don’t seem bad.
But, again, I haven’t read it.
AND every family, every parent, every child is different. SO, what i’m saying is…this might be 100% right for you while it’s not 100% right for me or for my family or for my kids.
So, I’m not judging…in case that’s how I came off.
😉
Ali,
I just found that the evidence spoke to me, as a Mom and as a teacher. And as a person who was always told I was “smart”. But then I never achieved my potential because I was afraid of failure and looking stupid. I see it in my classroom every day. Pick up Nurture Shock or read the article I linked to. It’s very convincing. Nurture Shock addresses a lot of issues: praise, race, sleep, adolescence, and more. It is really, really good.
It’s not that praise it bad, but too much general praise is counter productive. I don’t think the occasional general praise like good job is awful, but I am tired of hearing it for every little thing a kid does. Good job, high five, have a sticker….for every little thing.
Based on what I’ve read in Nurture Shock and in Alfie Kohn’s works, I try really hard to praise the process instead of the product. You worked really hard on that, what do you think is interesting. I like the colours in this picture, tell me about what is happening.
Maybe it’s another fad, but, like I said, the evidence convinced me and it speaks to me, I find it intuitively “correct”.
Wait…what???
It’s BAD to say “Good job?”
I honestly don’t understand. My parents have never -and still don’t – said “good job!” to me about anything, and it has left me feeling like I haven’t pleased them. BEcause of this, PRAISE is super important to me…and I constantly am telling my children that they’ve done well…sometimes specific and sometimes just a “good job” because TO ME, sometimes a simple good job goes a REALLY long way.
My dad sometimes did the “What happened to the other __%, I knew it was a joke but it annoyed me. I remember being told I was smart and thinking I was, until high school and then I wasn’t so smart anymore, at least not in grade 9 or 10. I didn’t want to do the work…for whatever reason.
I think that specific praise is what the studies confirm is needed. For example, I like the colours you used on the flower, tell me about the rest of the picture. Or, you worked really hard on that math problem, tell me how you solved it, did you get stuck? HOw did you get unstuck? etc.
Absolutely fascinating! I remember as a child NEVER getting praised for my good work. When I got a “B,” my mom would ask, “Why didn’t you get the “A?” I stopped caring after awhile since it seemed impossible to please her. I, too, was an under performer in school. I believe it’s because in those days, parents had very little interest in their children’s school work.
I also hate to praise too much. It just seems phony to me and I think my kids pick that up. I do praise them and encourage them to do their best. I think it’s more of the educational journey that matters more than the grades. What are you learning in school? Are you enjoying science? What’s your favorite subject?