…every word and action can send a message. It tells children…how to think about themselves. It can be a fixed-mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I’m judging them. Or it can be a growth-mindset message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your development.
Sometimes being a parent is scary. Like when you think about how your words and actions can impact your child well into the future. In positive and negative ways.
One thing I really want to make sure I help my girls with is developing a growth mindset (there are many other things of course).
In a previous post I described mindset as Carol Dweck defines it in her book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”.
Dweck argues that the way we praise our children sends them either fixed or growth mindset messages. For example, when you say, “You learned that so quickly, you’re so smart”, children hear: If I don’t learn something quickly I’m not smart. Or, “look at that painting, those are the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen?”, they hear: I’d better not try to paint anything else, it might not be as good as the flowers are.
Praise like the examples above comes very easily. We want to make our children feel valued and special so we praise them. I get caught up in not praising their looks because I want them to feel valued as people but as a result I often resort to “You’re so smart.” It’s really hard to break the habit and use more specific, growth-mindset praise.
Examples of growth-mindset praise are:
I like the way you tried all sorts of strategies on that math problem until you finally got it. You thought of a lot of different ways to do it and one of them worked!
That picture has so many beautiful colors, tell me about them.
You put so much thought into that essay. It really makes me understand Shakespeare in a new way.
Or, in situations where the child worked hard but didn’t do well:
Everyone learns in a different way. Let’s keep trying to find a way that works for you.
Dweck also says parents need to be careful about what they say in front of their children. For example, it you say something like, “She’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer” about someone else, it sends the same type of message as the general praise. We are born with fixed traits and can’t change them. Even when we talk about others we need to focus on processes, not fixed traits. When we talk about ourselves also (tough for me – I’m a work in progress).
Oy, so much responsibility. I do really, really try to praise my children’s and my students’ processes. I’m getting better at it.
My next project is to deal with their failures in ways that foster growth-mindsets. Stayed tuned for the next instalment on failure.
How do you praise your children? Do you think they have fixed or growth mindsets and what influence over their mindsets do you have?
