After writing my last post a hard pill to swallow I received a nasty response from someone (I chose not to approve it under my comments section) who accused me of degrading my children and stated that I label each and everyone of my children and don’t allow them to be who they really are and if I did they would be better off. There were some other things mentioned as well but really isn’t worth wasting time on.
At first I wasn’t quite sure how and if I wanted to even respond but after some thought and allowing my emotional side to settle, I decided the best approach for myself is to write about this in a post.
I find nothing wrong with stating that a child of mine has ADHD, Aspergers, is gifted, or has a learning disability. This person suggested that no one needs to know about their special issues and in doing so only allows others to treat them differently and prevents them from being who they really are.
Wait a second here. This is who they really are.
Thatcher an Tanner – Label: Identical twins, cute, monkeys, future stars, actors
Ryley – Label: Wild child, ADHD, cute, strong, hockey player
I have never held back information from my children on what their special needs are, in fact as soon as they were able to understand I told them exactly what was going on because I feel it is important that they realize that some things are out of their control. I have taught my children that everyone is born with different strengths and weaker areas and are different in their own unique way. Is it really fair to have a child say with aspergers who realizes they are different then other children in many ways – socially, academically and it is causing issues such as depression, but not explain to them why?
Zachery – label: creative, funny, aspergers,cute, actor
Arielle – label: Pretty, drama queen, singer, learning disability, swimmer
An example of this is my own son who when he was just over 7 he tried to kill himself – why? Because he was depressed and in his own words felt different than his peers, felt different than his siblings, felt as though nobody liked him or understood him, and thought everyone would be happier if he wasn’t around because no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t understand his peers nor could he be like them. He cried and kept asking me what was wrong with him and how come he was like he is. This was when I realized he needed to know that his behaviors, strengths and feelings were not something he could readily control. He needed to know that what he struggles with everyday has a name and that it is okay to be different. He needed to know that none of it is caused by something that he didn’t or did do. YES HE NEEDED A LABEL FOR IT!
Joshua – label: Aspergers, ADHD, Gifted academically, Mood disorder, Computer wiz, funny, handsome
Once he understood what his disabilities and strengths were he was much happier. He became proud of having aspergers because he knew he had a strength in academics and computers that not too many children his age have. He actively participates in Autism awareness events because he wants others to be educated about Autism and how it effects individuals. I couldn’t be more prouder of him.
Sebastian – label: Smart, hockey player. mischief maker, actor, sarcastic, funny, acrobatic gymnast
Flip side to this is an important fact. I do not under any circumstances allow my children to use the fact that they may have learning disability, adhd, whatever, as a crutch or as an excuse. Behaviors whether they can really help it or not are dealt with on an individual basis. I once had a child say to me “well I can’t do any homework tonight because I don’t understand it – probably because I have a learning disability.” Um NO! I told her that was using her disability as an excuse to get out of doing her homework, and although I understood it was probably a bit more difficult for her, that just meant that she would have to work a little bit harder and longer than most of her peers and either myself or his sister would help her. Did she do it? You bet.
If your child is diabetic, has asthma, cancer – whatever – would you not tell them? Really? It isn’t any different.
As for labels well yes there are many labels I use for my children and here are just a few right out in the open – MONKEYS, CUTIE PIE, WILD, SMART, BEAUTIFUL, ADHD, ASPERGERS, CRAZY CHILD, GIFTED, AMAZING, LEARNING DISABLED, ACTOR, MODEL, HOCKEY PLAYERS, GYMNASTS, DANCERS, SWIMMERS, STRONG, CLIMBERS, PASSIONATE, HANDSOME, INDIVIDUALS.
Marie – label: Individual, funny, singer, actor, gifted academically, perfectionist, Acrobatic gymnast
My children are treated for who they are, not what they may or may not have, and each of heir strengths are built upon. They are treated as the individuals that they are.
As for being told that I degrade my children – well I think it would be degrading to them if I didn’t acknowledge their needs and ignored their special needs, whatever they may be. My children have amazing manners, are respectful, have incredible strengths and are super talented.
I write about my joys and struggles in raising eig
ht children pretty well on my own, and their special needs are part of who they are, and a part of our everyday life. Say what you want, but I know for a fact that I am nothing but a wonderful mother to some wonderful children.
ht children pretty well on my own, and their special needs are part of who they are, and a part of our everyday life. Say what you want, but I know for a fact that I am nothing but a wonderful mother to some wonderful children.
Is wonderful a label? You bet.
Do you label your children?
Until next time,
Chantelmomof8crazymonkeys
Thanks Alice:)
Tara you hit the nail on the head! When it is a physical disability or something that is obvious people make nothing out of it – when it is something that isn’t as noticeable there is a huge stigma! It took me awhile as well to tell others about my oldest son because they would look at him and say things such as “Well he looks perfectly fine” or “Really how can that be when is super super smart?” Try living with it 24 hrs then come back to me lol.
Your children are blessed to have such a great mom:)
Thanks Aileen I think I am blessed to have the children I do.
Thanks Julie:)
Thanks Nicole your girls are beautiful – labels and all:)
Tara – I know what you mean. My daughter has severe and longstanding Social Anxiety Disorder as well as moderately severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She also has AD/HD and ODD behaviours related to the anxiety disorders.
While in a parent support session, I was complaining that it’s hard to take time off work to support her because I don’t like to disclose her issues and/or HR doesn’t know what to do with it when I do (should absences be coded “personal” – unpaid, or “severe illness of family member” – paid? I’ll let you guess what my vote is). Anyway, the family therapist asked me, “would you be embarrassed if she had leukemia?” My answer: “no, but there’s no stigma attached to leukemia.” Unfortunately, there is still some stigma attached to mental illness, and both my daughter and I know it. Part of the reason I don’t like to disclose is because this is her story to tell, not mine, and if there’s a chance she might meet these people at some time in real life, I want her to create her own first impression without going in as “the girl with severe anxiety”.
And I hear you about telling the kids what they “have” – my gal is bad enough with somatization – I don’t need to fuel her hypochondriac tendencies any further by giving her more labels – she knows about the SAD and GAD but not the “severe and longstanding” part or the other, collateral diagnoses.
Unfortunate, but that’s the reality of it.
Chantal – great post. Yup, sometimes it’s helpful to name things/behaviours/people so that we can process them, right?
How are we supposed to destigmatize and educate about things if we won’t name them?
As you say, it’s not like you let them rest on it, but at least they know why they don’t work quite like everyone else, which has got to be a relief, and can allow them to seek out ways to cope with the cards they’ve been dealt.
You’re doing great, lady.
If you don’t have something nice to say do not say it. I really struggled with this one and am doing what is right for us at this time. My daughter was born with hearing loss and of course we talk about it all the time. It has become such a commonplace thing for us. Then my son started having behavioral issues and we noticed that our daughters skills were surpassing his in problem solving. (he is six and a half years older than her). We requested that he be assessed and received a diagnosis of innatentive type adhd, anxiety disorder and develpmental coordiaton disorder. We have not given him the specific labels for these only because of his anxiety disorder and his constant need to share information. He already deals with bullying at school and he would be telling everyone about his issues. Right now we concentrate on discussing his issues in terms of his symptoms and let him know in that way that this is not his fault and that their is a reason. That the doctor’s we took him to found out there is a reason for the struggles he has and we are working on finding ways to help him. Eventually we will tell him.
I really struggled that i so easily label my daughters hearing loss but there is such a stigma attached to the others or people just don’t agree with us that he has it as they don’t see it as he is worse at home. I label my children.
Karensa : spunky, high energy, sensory seeking, hilarious, hearing impaired, full of life!
Nathan: ADHD, anxiety disorder, developmental coordination disorder, smart, full of knowledge, super talkative, funny
Don’t mess with the moms! Especially the moms brave enough to share their stories – the good, the bad and the ugly. It makes the rest of us realize we are not alone.
Go ahead and label your kids Chantel. They are lucky to have you for a mom.
Actually, it’s true, that commenter might have received a serious beat-down, Urban Moms-style, from the rest of us. *beats chest* When it comes to our moms? DON’T. MESS.
You’re bigger than me – I wish you had posted it so we could all respond to this person – who quite obviously does NOT have kids with special needs. These kids KNOW there is something off, what is wrong with verbalizing it. Really great post Chantel.
WELL SAID CHANTEL!!!!!! I completely agree with you on every point. I wish I had seen that comment. It is just ignorant! I think that person fails to realize that we all have a label (which is the point you made in your article). Without the “label”, my daughter with ADHD and a Generalized anxiety disorder would not be able to get the support she needs at school or the understanding from her peers and teachers for some of her behaviour. Nor would she understand (as you put it), that some things were just a little more difficult for her, BUT, they do not hinder her from accomplishing anything she puts her mind to. We all have labels. In high school, I was always know as the one who did gymnastics. I was never offended, it was what I did and a big part of who I was. The “label” is only shameful or degrading if someone makes that person feel that way by treating them as though they are less than they are.
YES! I label my children and here are their labels.
Emma: Charming, Funny, beautiful, rosebud, ADHD, smart, motivated, Anxiety disorder, wonderful
Samantha: Beautiful, smart, stubborn, motivated, driven, athletic, wonderful
Bottom line: We do for our children everything we can as parents to raise them to be proud, confident, contributing members of society, no matter the label. If we didn’t, THAT would be shameful and degrading.
Nicole :o)
Chantel,
Your children are all so beautiful.
Some people……..wow. That’s about all I can say.
It’s a shame how some people just never learned, “If you have nothing nice to say…” – we can disagree about all kinds of things, respectfully, but sometimes people get on their high horses (behind the safety of their computer screens) and shout all sorts of outlandish things. Good for you for not responding.
Do what you want to do… and hurt no on else. I mean, really.