Most days my child looks like this. Ridiculous grins, full of joy all around pleasant to be around.
The key word in the above statement is MOST. It seems more and more frequently this little boy is showing up. 
Now I love this little boy just as much as the happier one but I must tell you, this little boy is not nearly as pleasant to be around. He is indignant this one. He is starting to figure out that he has free will and that coupled with his independent streak is leading to some very strong differences of opinion between him and I. The last couple of weeks his preferred method of showing me his anger and frustration is hitting. He hits whatever happens to be in arms reach be it my face, his sister, his toys even himself. This is obviously a problem.
Prior to this his main behavior offense has been throwing his food or sippy cup. Those offenses were met with a stern “No” and a slap on the hand. It actually worked pretty well, he immediately realized he was in trouble and usually that was the end of it.
It worked great until the day he tried to touch his sister’s eye. I told him no, he got pissed and promptly slapped both hands down, one to her forehead and one to her tummy. Before I could stop myself I was slapping his hand and yelling “we don’t hit!”, yeah I know. The words were barely out of my mouth before I realized my mistake.
I’m feeling a little lost as to how to deal with this behavior. I know that it’s completely normal, especially for boys. I know that it’s just a phase. I also know that I can’t just ignore it. What I don’t know is how to reach him. I don’t know how to communicate the “we don’t hit when we’re angry” rule.
In case I need to be more clear, I’m asking for help. I am open to suggestion.
Hey Jen!
I could have written this AND used the same pictures (right down to the shirt…we have it…he just grew out of it…wahhh). I find the hitting so FRUSTRATING – and like your guy, he will hit himself if there is nothing to hit. On the weekend he head butted me – like 3 times – and now he has a bruise…it’s very odd.
I’m going to keep checking back here because I need advice as well. I’m pretty strict, I think especially with it just being me, if I don’t have control, I’m screwed…but like you, I found myself hitting his hand and saying we don’t hit – which struck me as backward. Time outs make him laugh. If I tried Erin’s time in, I’d lose my mind…I just can’t sit in the same room during the tantrum – I usually leave and when he’s done, he comes and gets me.
but the hitting….I need to hear something specific on dealing with that one….
Jen,
It is a stage and he is toddler. My suggestions would to calmly tell him NO and redirect him to something else.
I once read a line in a book (it was about teaching kids with ADHD but it applies across the board I think) “The relationship is the most important thing, put it above all else”.
If I had to label my parenting style I would call it attachment parenting. I have done a lot of research on parenting in general, and neuroscience and parenting (and teaching). The science backs that statement up. I think many types of discipline not only humiliate and shame the child, but make him/her feel unworthy and unloved. Our job is to love them unconditionally, and to make sure they know it.
I sometimes give my girls a “time in”, it’s our version of time out. I remove the girl who is being aggressive and sit with her in another room until she calms down and I can have a conversation with her about the situation. When they were younger toddlers I would still have the conversation but I would simplify it and keep it short. If both girls need comforting and discussion and my husband isn’t around it’s more difficult, then I will separate them by putting myself in between them and waiting until they calm down. I want to make sure that both girls feel like their feelings matter and that I am listening to them. Often the hitting and meanness comes from some feelings of frustration or anger.
If he isn’t angry, just being aggressive as toddlers can be, stick to the no and redirect.
Conflicts will always arise and we need to teach our children how to deal with conflict in a positive way. If we always take total control and try to own their feelings and actions they won’t learn.
I hope this makes sense. I usually don’t give advice on these issues because sometimes people think I’m being preachy, that is not my intent here, I’m just sharing my opinions and ideas.
Two excellent books are “How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk” and “Siblings without Rivalry”.
I am not a mom, but I play one on the weekends occasionally. To me spanking is a big no no – its a lesson in humiliation (dont get me started on the parents that bareass spank, that is kinda pervy)
Grabbing his hands to stop him then doling out the time out seems to work. (granted when your daughter gets older there WILL be fights, but then at least she will be old enough to kick ass herself)
Well, disciplinary action is definately something that is needed. 🙂 Sometimes I see children in stores, that have FULL control of their parents. (and granted ALL children have times of freaking out) But, the parents just appease them with whatever they want so they’ll be quiet. Not the greatest idea….
Similarly I feel strongly about discipline. If I hadn’t been disciplined…oh dear…I would have been OUT of control! I had a lying habit, that got kicked to the curb when I was 13 with an EXTENSIVE paper I had to write on why I shouldn’t lie. When I said something rude or yelled when I was little, my parents would have me “wash my mouth out with soap.” That did the trick. Basically, they were consistent in their discipline of seeing an action that would create a very bad habit or one that was destructive and wreaked havoc in other’s lives, and paired it with a disciplinary action that was appropriate to the “crime.” Yes, I was spanked as a child, and truthfully I’m grateful for that. When certain other disciplines could make no influence in my life, that certainly did. There’s a difference between that and beating your child! Likewise, a timid swat on the rear does nothing for a child. My brother had to be *spanked* because he’d just sit there not caring. I was also made to stant (not sit) with my nose in the corner when I was older for extended periods of time.
Consistency and the ability to show your child that you are the one directing them is very important. My parents ALWAYS made sure to tell me they loved me after disciplining me, but that it was necessary to correct me.
How old is he? Maybe take a certain toy away. Take a privilege away that he has and tell him why. Make a bed time earlier. You can still emphasize “No hitting!” without yelling. And I agree…a stern voice is good but yelling…isn’t always best. Have him sit in a certain chair for a length of time in the middle of a room. Putting them in their room provides lots of distractions and not necessarily a punishment. Hope these ideas helped a bit. 🙂