It all started just before Christmas. While I was changing Pea’s diaper one afternoon, she started grabbing at the photo frames hanging on the wall. She got a hold of one of them and swung it to the point that it almost fell off the wall.
I warned her. “No, please leave the frames alone.” She continued, undaunted.
Once more, with a little more severity. “Pea, No, don’t touch.” Again, she reached for the frames.
I paused and asked her to look at me. When her eyes met mine, I calmly said “Pea, don’t touch. If those fall they will hurt you. Daddy said No.”
In that moment, I knew she understood.
A brief moment later, I knew she didn’t care.
Pea returned my eye contact and literally laughed in my face. She then went back to doing exactly what I had asked her not to do.
A wave of shock came over me, and I didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to do. I mean, Pea has disobeyed me before. What kid hasn’t disobeyed their parent, right? Once she waved her index finger in my face when I asked her not to do something, but in hindsight that was clearly a coincidence. This time, it was deliberate.
I think my reaction to her laughter surprised Pea more than anything, and she kind of settled down a bit. Once I finished changing her diaper I worked on the reinforcement and distraction we’ve been following to this point. But this direct disobedience will forever be etched in my mind as the beginning of Pea’s Terrible Two’s.
Every day since then has brought more of the same disobedience. She now goes everywhere she shouldn’t be going and touches everything she shouldn’t be touching. Yesterday, at Canadian Tire, she walked right up to a woman waiting for her car to be fixed and snatched the book right out of her hands. (Fortunately, the woman was Ok with Pea’s curiosity… but what if she hadn’t been?)
The more Pea asserts herself and does what she wants to do, the more pressure I feel to get this discipline thing right. As Pea’s Dad and ‘the man of the house’, I feel some sort of caveman-like need to take control of Pea’s discipline. Like it was 1940 or something.
I, Dad, shall ensure my daughter is a well-balanced and disciplined child, who knows right from wrong, and understands that there are consequences to her actions. She will obey me.
Yes, it’s a gender stereotype. And no, my wife isn’t contributing to my feeling this way. She’s as big a player in Pea’s discipline as I am. I know the responsibility isn’t solely mine, but I still feel like my success as a father will be judged in part on how well-behaved Pea is as she grows.
So now I adjust. I’ve started searching for that sweet spot. The one where Pea and I have fun together, but also where I can get her to listen when I need her to. Hold your sarcastic ‘good luck’s.’
One thing’s for sure. It’s the end of Daddy-the-playmate and the beginning of Daddy-the-sometimes-playmate-who-is-also-Daddy-the-guy-I’d-better-respect-because-he-means-what-he-says. Sigh. Daddy-the-playmate sure was good while it lasted.
forget everything you’ve learned about parenting since the rules change on an hourly basis! 🙂
personally, i don’t see the problem with “no” provided it’s used well. my aunt is a teacher and she had an interesting story about that word.
a student asked her if he could do something and she said “no” and he started arguing with her about why not? and her reply was “if i said yes, would you question me just as forcefully? why is ‘yes’ better than ‘no’? if you asked me if you could do something somewhat dangerous and i said ‘yes’ would you run out and do it or would you question me just as hard if i said ‘no’?”
i have found that just saying no doesn’t work. kids understand things and they understand what you’re saying. i always told my girls (even when they were babies) _why_. i think that’s why my nephew is having such a problem with “no”…he never heard why and he fights for everything now because he doesn’t have a reason.
Let the good times roll.
Every month there will be new milestones..challenging ones, good ones, nasty ones etc.
enjoy!!
Ah Shawn. Yes, it is only the beginning but, in my opinion, this is a critical time. This is when you establish your philosophy as a parent and your boundaries with Pea. My advice? Don’t sweat the small stuff and pick only a few things that are worth sweating over. Toddlers are very curious and often our reaction to them is directly linked to our embarrassment and feelings of judgment by others. Let Pea explore while reminding her of the boundaries. As they get older they will push even further and we need to help guide them so they can find their own way, making their own mistakes and having their own successes along the way.
A wise woman (my old boss) and mother of 3 said to me when her kids were entering their tweens, “I used to be their Manager. I made all of their decisions, created and enforced the rules. But now I am merely a consultant. I have very little control. And what I have learned is that if I did my job well as their Manager and they respect me they will use me as their Consultant a lot more often”. Words to live by.
Learning how to discipline is tough. We spend so many months cheering them on when they are learning and doing new things. Then we need to switch gears and find a new balance….not easy!! Plus, they have those cute little faces and give you ‘that look’ that melts your heart…
A UCLA study a few years ago discovered that the typical 1 year old child hears the word “no” an average of 4000 times a day.
I’ll let you draw your own conclusions…you seem pretty smart to me.