Work. Bills. Groceries. Dinner. Bathtime. Staying up too late, and getting up too early, and meeting every end but never making any end meet. At work, the two projects I was hired to manage are winding down, and the late stages are where the execution takes place, and the demands of actually bringing something to fruition are making me tired.
Work. Bills. Groceries. Dinner. Bathtime. Calls from the bank, and the vet, and someone we must owe money to whose affiliation was garbled at the end of the message by our ancient answering machine.
When I was younger than I am now, I never wanted to fall into this kind of drudgery. It never ends. The projects change, and the deadlines change, but the day-in, day-out demands and expectations and debts never seem to falter. I need a new challenge, I think, or something to look forward to. We catch up just to teeter on the brink of falling behind, and then we topple over and down. The toddler eats well one night and then spends seven nights wailing at the injustice of pears on his plate.
We watch travel shows and fantasize about running away. Reality is an anchor.
Vancouver is the kind of place where you can do anything. You really can spend a day skiing and then unwind at the beach afterward. Spouse and I have had bitter, bitter fights over whether to eat tacos or sushi or curry or noodles and we have reached impasses where we have gone our separate ways for dinner because that was the only solution. The bike routes are lined with trees and the shade keeps them cool and comfortable. British Columbia is the only place in Canada where you can find any climate in the world; two hours north there is a mountain resort; four hours east, wine country and the desert.
It is – perhaps literally – the most beautiful place in the world, and I am so in love with it that the idea of leaving for an affordable lifestyle where we could pay off our debts and maybe get ahead is less desirable than simply staying and trying to make it work. That is the thing about this place. It will choke you out and you will beg it to let you stay.
Work. Bills. Groceries. Dinner. Bathtime. Rent. Hydro. Car insurance. Credit cards. Daycare. Student loans forever. There are more people in my industry than there are jobs. Every great opportunity is in Toronto. I love the woman who looks after the toddler. I love that if I need pho at 3:00 am because I’ve had a nightmare and can’t get back to sleep I can walk a few blocks and get it (it’s never so cold that you can’t walk a few blocks at 3:00 am). Vancouver is one of the most expensive places to live in the world, and it’s not getting cheaper.
It has been a hard year and a half, and there is no real end in sight. But then we sit on a patch of grass beside the ocean all afternoon in May and I don’t care. The air smells like salt and lilacs.
I don’t know what to do with myself. Work-life balance is one thing; work-life direction an entire other thing. I don’t really have either. We work to pay our way and pay so much to just get by. It’s not sustainable, and I am not excited at any of my current prospects.
Our needs are simple. We are happy to rent. We are city-folk, apartment-dwellers, and occasional hippies. Our friends are artists and writers and environmentalists and teachers and none of us have a lot, but if you zoom out, we really are happy, even if sometimes we have to reassure ourselves of that. It’s just that up close, there are so many hurdles.
Work. Bills. Groceries. Dinner. Bathtime. Repeat indefinitely? What would you do?
9 years ago we made the difficult, fairly permanent decision not to live on the West Coast (hubby’s from there) or a big city for the reasons you just listed. But my hubby and I wanted the big house and big yard and we have those – affordably so. We live in a small town in Southern Alberta and having resided in a big city there are noticeably less things to do and see. And yet at the same time there is never a shortage of options for money spending so we likely live just as balanced (or not!) as anyone.
Oh man, Emily – you’re preaching to the choir. Most of us feel these pressures, regardless of our geography. But Tracey’s right – the drudgery feels tougher when the kids are little.
Your love for Vancouver comes singing off the page – it is your place, Emily. You probably just need to remember that it’s the moments when we sit on a patch of grass by the sea that we really live for, the moments when our memories are made, and the spaces in between – the hurdles – are necessary and hard, but they’re not the important parts of life.
Oh! I would love to go to Montreal. I am afraid my French is not up to par though …
Maybe it’s time to head your way? Let’s be neighbours!
“how” Geez.
I don’t know who you do it, lady – honestly, as a Toronto transplant to Montreal (which is a ridiculously cheaper big city compared to others in the rest of Canada) we could not afford the lifestyle we have, with the kind of downtown proximity and whatnot in another city… and yet (and yet!) the drudgery is there for all of us. (And I think it feels especially so when our kids are so small.) Life is expensive, yo. YIKES!
I think the trick is to zoom out as often as possible, and keep looking at the happy big picture. I can’t imagine you’ll ever regret it. Salt and lilacs smell like a dream worth hanging onto… 😉
Yeah … we looked at the cost of homes in Osoyoos when we were out that way last summer. It’s crazy! And you’re right – it’s exhausting.
Blerg … I keep thinking Toronto is the alternative. Our wages haven’t kept pace with the cost of living, and all the job postings I look at for Toronto are valued higher than the same jobs here. I was hoping Ontario was the easy answer!
We’re there too, even in the quiet Okanagan. Asking big questions about what we want life to look like, feeling like we’re on a never-ending treadmill. SO TIRED.
So honest and real. We all feel this way….even in Toronto.