What If?

I would classify myself as a “What if?” girl. I’m sure a good therapist would have a million reasons on why I constantly ask that question to myself. This isn’t a new thing, I’ve been doing it for years. Now that I recognize I have issues with anxiety, I’m assuming this is the cause. Or is it the other way around and the “What ifs” caused my anxiety? Hmmm.

When I was younger, I spent a great deal of time on “What ifs” — “What if I had been born to a different family?” “What if my parents weren’t my parents?” These were met with equal parts terror and gratitude. I remember talking about it to with my mom and just not understanding how I had the good fortune to be born to them and what if I had been born a tribe in the Amazon or something. She would just laugh and say, “but you wouldn’t know any different and you would be just fine.”

As I got a bit older, I’d spin some romantic tales with the “What if’s”. You know… “What if I happened to run into John Cusack while he was filming a movie in Toronto and he thought I had great hair and would fall in love with me?” Or “What if I actually won the lottery, because someone has to, and I could live with no financial worry and buy 5 dogs?”  Embarrassing but true. These aren’t just passing thoughts, these were serious questions that I’d ask myself. And I would think hard about them actually happening.

Since I’ve had Will, I’ve had two constant “What ifs” that send me into semi-panic. What if the original donor I had chosen hadn’t been sold out and what if I had married my ex-fiance? Both of these instances would have resulted in kids more than likely, but not in my kid. I get brought back to my mom’s comment on not knowing any better. But the thought of it can send me reeling.

A couple weeks ago, while Will was away, I spent a ton of time thinking, “what if I never decided to have a baby”.

Listen. I know these are irrational thoughts but I’m just speaking the truth. I spent that week on my own schedule. It was peaceful and quiet. There was no rushing. And it was so incredibly lonely. I thought of how I wouldn’t hear that incessant voice telling me about Lego. I thought of how I wouldn’t wake up to the sound of the lake. How I wouldn’t know the women who I went swimming and drinking with. It’s a bizarre thought process.

But again, my mom rang in my head. And she was right, I wouldn’t know any different. And more than likely, I would be just fine. But I’m happy that I don’t have to find out.

What about you? Do you live with the “What ifs?” Do they drive you crazy??