I’m tired. I’m a morning person but the last couple weeks, I’ve been slugging that snooze button over and over again. I’ve been lying in bed talking with Will for wayyyy longer than I should. I’m not depressed – not sad – I just feel spent.
It’s just life. Nothing more. In the last few weeks, I’ve been blessed/humbled to be involved with some huge life milestones. Births, deaths, weddings, funerals. They are all these peaks along the road of life.
Each bring waves of such differing emotions. At the wedding this weekend, I was thrilled for my friend who, like me, had waited ‘patiently’ for the right partner. So at 42, he was marrying the love of his life and starting on their path. Part of me was excited that…yup, maybe this is still possible for me (not the wedding…just the life…:). Then I watched the mother/son dance. I pictured dancing like that with Will at his wedding one day….before he leaves me. Cue tears. Then I listened to my friend talk about his dad who had passed away and wasn’t there to share in the day. Sigh. Such a circle of emotions.
I spent the rest of the night talking with my friend who is going through a brutal time right now with an ill father and coping with the loss of her friend. She was overwhelmed and angry. At one point, through our tears, she said ‘how do you possibly get over this.’ I was stumped. I’m not sure? How do you? How do you make sense of sadness like that?
I’ve been thinking about that conversation for the last few days. Last night I was at a memorial service for my friend’s brother who died of cancer. I listened to the beautiful speeches. I watched this incredible video that his teenage daughter put together. And I got in the car and sobbed the whole way home. Then I thought about the video. The highlight? Her imitation of how her dad would lie on the couch all the day, and then she flashed a picture of him in that position. Something so mundane as a couch position….and something so meaningful.
So how you get through all this sadness? You relish in the mundane. You enjoy THOSE moments. You cling to them. You take time to celebrate life at the milestones – weddings, births, funerals – but you LIVE life in the mundane moments in between.
You sit back and listen to your kid muddle through the words of Puff The Magic Dragon. You put beer mugs in the freezer so when you enjoy one, it’s that much colder. You face paint. You buy a book instead of getting one out of the library because you love the smell of it. You go in late to work so you have that extra five minutes of cuddling.
You do all these things so when a milestone happens, you add up all those incredible, mundane moments in between and you get through it and cope. You realize that while life will never be the same, it’s a pretty amazing one. And the people that we’ve lost, while they are ripped off of years more of those moments, they’d agree with you that they were blessed to have so many.
I’m going to file this post under random life ramblings. Sometimes you just need to write for yourself to sort somethings out. But how would you answer ‘how do I get over this’? How??
you dont really i suppose. you do what you can with what you have
yes but I am brain dead and I will kick you out by 8:30 FIRM
What an amazing AMAZING way to look at it Alison – thank you!
I miss you too…..Can I invite us over for dinner again…:)
I agree with everyone so far…you never do “get over” personal tragedies: they change you forever. But you do recover, with time.
As for praising the mundane…yes! Many days I wish I had more of it in my own life!
I love routine- Monday mornings, Wednesday nights, the drive to school, the cup of hot coffee, the cream I put on after my shower, weather, kissing my girls, taking the empty garbage bins in- all of it. – thank you for sharing your magic in the mundane moments, Sara.
Milestones put a huge lump in my throat and make me aware of everything small and big and in between. Sometimes they also make me aware of what is missing too and that is hard.
I get what you mean about feeling spent- when I am not high on life and feeling totally alive, I don’t know what to do beyond pushing forward as I find it hard when things are flat.
I miss you! You write so honestly. You are such a cool cat. xx
I’m with Jen. That is a brilliant quote, Alison.
Just last night, after an extremely trying week, of broken bones and cars, I asked for boring. Sometimes you just want life to be boring or mundane and relish it. I am okay with getting up, going to work, doing karate, going home and going to bed, night after night. I feel after the past couple of weeks I would love to just be able to sit back and relax. Nothing pressing and nothing more important then spending time with my husband and kids and being happy that they were just broken bones and nothing more.
I think the mundane is highly under-rated. I look at my kids: apple picking on a bright fall day, they squeal, “this is the best day EVER!” Then two days later, hiking in a leafy woods, they squeal, “this is the best day EVER!” Then the next day playing a board game someone makes a joke and we all laugh, and one of the kids says, “I love you guys.” Those are the moments that make up a life – like the way your friend lay on the couch. Never underestimate the power of the ordinary.
“That part of grief moves through you as growth and part of grief stays with you as wisdom.”
I love that, Alison. Thank you.
I love that, Sara. And I agree, we never get over it. Ever. But we do learn and grow from it. And, really, what’s the point of analyzing it too much when it simply “is”? I often force myself to stop thinking about things or feeling sad about something, at least when it is having a negative impact, because it stops me from living MY life in that moment.
The changes and loss and joy are inevitable. All we can control is how we respond to them. I try to focus on my path and not get derailed. It sounds simple but it is absolutely not and sometimes I need to take time to sort through my feelings before I can move forward and put it in perspective. But once I do and it is no longer productive, I refocus.
I learned this from the best teacher, my mom.
Excellent article … everyone should read. Best one yet. Thanks.
My mother always told me to embrace grief as with every other life experience. That part of grief moves through you as growth and part of grief stays with you as wisdom. Lovely lovely post. Thanks.
You’re SO right Julie. We don’t get over it. At the funeral I was at on Sunday…(ugh) my friend spoke about seeing a burned grass area at high park where flowers were already starting to bloom out of it – and he said maybe we need death to find new growth…. it was an Oprah aha for me – I thought it was very wise.
i think that mundane is overrated sometimes. i read other people’s posts about the extreme challenges with health and personalities and i realize that those parents don’t get to have mundane.
i also don’t believe one gets over anything…it’s impossible. these are life altering moments and we mold ourselves to the new challenges and become changed people. people have met with these challenges in the past and will meet with them in the future (cue “circle of life” here!) and they will be absorbed into our personalities and life experiences making us, if not better, more enriched.
hmmmm…can you tell i just came from yoga?