Twelve years. It doesn’t seem that long in the scheme of things – but when you’ve spent it without your mom, it seems like a loooong time.
There’s been a lot of changes in twelve years. I did the parental ‘sit by your kids bed and watch them sleep’ last night and thought about where my life has gone in these twelve years without her.
When my mom died, I was 30. I was working for a not-for-profit. I was living with my boyfriend, who was amazing while my mom was sick but not soooo much after. I was childless. I carried my self-esteem issues from university on my back, right into my thirties.
Cut to today. I wouldn’t change one thing about the last twelve years of my life. I’m a mom. I write. I’m in such better mental and physical shape. I have friendships that are life lasting. I’m single but I’m patient. Okay I would change one thing. She would be here to see it.
There has been a shift this year though in my grieving. Will gets it. I’m able to explain to him now that my mommy isn’t here because she got cancer and couldn’t survive it. If there are times when I’m sad and he asks why, he understands when I say, ‘I just miss my mommy.’ He came home from the Terry Fox run this year and told me all about Terry and then he said, ‘Terry is just like your mommy – He got sick and he died.’ You got it dude.
And the fun side of him getting it? I can tell him about her and he’s listening. We had a dance party to Karma Chameleon because ‘it’s your mommy’s favourite song’. ‘I love green ice cream just like your mommy did.’ ‘We’re going to go on a safari just like grandpa and your mommy did. All the way to Africa.’
I can’t wait to share all of my stories with him….but some are better left until he’s older – Harvey Wallbangers; the movie Carrie; Platinum Blonde; Wimbledon….so many to come. I’m amazingly blessed to have the stories and to have had her.
Give your mom a hug or a call tonight AND have a vodka tonic or two for mine.
Annabelle -I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have one woman in particular – that for some reason, every time I see her in the park with her mom and her kids – I seethe with jealousy. I end up in tears and have to leave – I’m not sure what it is. And I’ve actually said something to a woman in a mall who was yelling at her mom – just walked by and said ‘you should be happy you have a mother’ and just kept walking. I so get it….. big hugs.
12 years, one week, 20 years…. I think it will always be hard to deal with that kind of loss. It will be 9 years soon for me without mom and 3 without my dad too. I miss so much the feeling that I am someone’s daughter who, in their eyes, can do no wrong and is always worthy of love.
I wonder when I won’t feel so deeply jealous of friends who have their moms to chat with and do “mother-daughter” days with. I also wonder when the day will come when I no longer want to scream at women I hear complaining about their moms and how their moms don’t help with the kids, etc. Aaaaargh.
Kristin – I’m so sorry , I just saw your comment now. Thanks so much for writing in and I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you to be expecting so soon after. So great to have stories of Nannie (that’s what I called my grandmother…:).
I hear you loud and clear. And agree that this legacy is a gift we give our children. Your mom is a part of shaping who Will is whether she is here or not and he deserves to know her. I miss my mom SO much but am terribly grateful that I had a mom like her at all. I know you feel the same. XO to you
Thanks for sharing your story. I lost my mom to complications from cancer 2.5 years ago…just 5 weeks after my youngest daughter was born. My six-year-old “gets it.” She often points out a ladybug (“for Nannie, Mama”) or some sea glass (“her favorite, right Mama?”) and it grounds me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her but hearing my little girl talk about her Nannie is something else…
I try to tell stories to the littlest one about her namesake, her Nannie, as well.
Thanks again for the beautiful words.
Sara, this is beautiful and I am so glad that Will is at the age of where he understands your loss. Makes it a bit easier on us. This past year was very sad for our family and it helped me get through it because I was able share my sadness with my kids and they understood it….love to you..raising a glass to a beautiful lady I never got the chance to meet but have heard a lot about her through you…
and we and she love you Vern dog!
It is hard to type through my tears, but I am going to try my best! This is a very very well written blog! Your mom was one of the most amazing women I have ever met, and I still think about her alot! She was SO good to me when I was young! Who else would let the neighbor kid visit almost every day, when she had 4 kids of her own! I will be raising my vodka and tonic in her honour tonight with my family. I am very thankful to have all of you r family in my life.. love you guys!! xoxo
a friend lost her f.i.l. when her son was only one year old. it wasn’t until he was 4 that he had a big unconsolable cry going on and when my friend asked why, he said he missed his grampa. they talked about him so much he truly was a living part of the family. she was sad for him but happy as well since he was a part of his life through stories and pictures. memories are a good thing…but not as good as the real thing.
That was terrific, Sara. It’s soooo great that you share so much with Will, so it will be ingrained – he’ll never remember a time of not-knowing about her. That’s such a gift. Twelve years… it’s long but short. I understand.
Martin is facing this right now – cancer just… blows. But it’s the stories that my children need to hear and the details of her they need to know about and remember, so we don’t forget a thing.
I kick cancer in the taco today. Again.
That’s such a lovely tribute, Sara. I really believe that our ancestors live on through our oral history. I never met my own grandmother (she died while my mom was pregnant with me), but I feel I know so much about her from the stories my mother told me (I know I inherited my love of all things leopard print from her!) It’s our duty and our privilege to share those stories with our children.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I’ll be sure to give her an extra hug. Wish I could give you one too today! xo