If you’ve been purging your closets and drawers of all the bad, ill-fitting, and faded types of things, then I applaud you. *clap, clap, clap* But, there’s more…
You know when you put on a pair of socks, then take a few steps around the house, and convince yourself you’ve stepped in something cold, like a small dollop of yogurt or something? You look back and flex your foot, spying no yogurt, but notice the balding wear-spot in the heel instead. Or maybe your big toe is coming right through the stripey end of your most perfect pair. (Boo! Suck!!) If you’d be embarrassed to take your shoes off at someone else’s house because your socks have got more holes than a brick of Swiss cheese, it’s a sign.
It’s a sign that says: GET SOME NEW SOCKS, YOU HOBO!
Sadly, even our favourites wear out over time, and you’ll just have to be a Big Girl about things and either darn them all, Laura Ingalls-style, (pfft… please!) or pitch them. If you notice a hole when you get home from work, don’t throw them into the laundry basket – throw them into the garbage can. If you see your sock pile dwindling, then GO GET SOME. (And please don’t ONLY own white sports socks.)
The good news is, stores are FULL of socks. You can probably buy some in a pharmacy, or even at the grocery store. (Hello Joe!) All I’m saying is, they’re easily replaceable, and for not a lot of money, depending on what kinds of hosery you prefer. (Tip: You know who makes excellent socks and hosiery? Italians. Go to The place that rhymes with Sinners and buy yourself some beautiful socks, people. Seriously.)
Now let’s talk about underwear…
If you’d be embarrassed to take your pants off at someone else’s house, then it’s a sign that you’ve got hobo-panties, and you need to put them to rest. Like your mother said: What if you get into a car accident, and they have to cut your clothes off to repair your mangled body, and they see horrid underpants on you?! (What she means is, what kind of negligent mother does that make HER… but I digress.) The idea is, you’re a grown-up, so don’t wear underwear with holes, or with sagging, tired elastic waistbands, or that have unmentionable stains and things. *clutches pearls* I mean, really. Buy some new ones – they really needn’t cost a fortune.
If your underwear come up to your armpits when you pull them up, then I implore you to get modern, and buy some that are a little bit smaller. Like a boyshort, maybe, or whatever else will make you comfortable. They’re panties, not Fort Knox. D’you know who says, “Granny panties are freaking hot?” No one ever, that’s who. If the sides of your undies are taller than, say, six inches? They’re too damned big. (The dental-floss variety needn’t be your only alternative, don’t worry.) And if they creep? They’re not the right cut for your behind, that’s all.
Try something in cotton or lace that lies flat, with no seams. This way, when you’re wearing your booty-hugging jeans and things, you won’t have the elastic cutting into your rump, causing your ass to look as if has another ass squeezing out the sides. That’s bad – it just ruins the line of your excellent clothing, plus it’s distracting to drivers and pedestrians alike. Incidentally, this happens to EVERYONE’s bum in bad panties – it’s not a big vs small thing. Plus, make sure they’re INSIDE your pants, so no one gets a gander at your whale-tail whenever you bend over. Gross.
The same thing applies to bras. If you’ve got another set of boobs sticking out on top of your boobs, then the cups are too small. (That looks terrible.) If you reach behind your head to undo a clasp that should be in the middle of your back? You’re totally wearing the wrong size, girl. The around-your-body-part shouldn’t actually be right under your boobs – it should be shimmied a little bit lower, horizontally (in line with the floor) with the straps adjusted correctly so they’re not sliding off your shoulders all the time. If that’s happening? You’re wearing the wrong size. It should be comfortable. And gorgeous, if possible.
Go to a lingerie store and find the oldest lady you can find, with the thick glasses and the measuring tape around her neck. She might have an accent of some kind… she’s the one you want. She can tell you what size you need before you even take your coat off – don’t quibble with her about what size you think you are – you’re probaly dead wrong, but she will fix you. But be prepared – this could take a bit of time. You need to try on a bunch of things, and not all bras are made equally. Le sigh. Bra shopping is my least favourite of all The Shoppings.
I’ll say here, that while socks and underwear can cost next to nothing, it pays to invest in some good bras. This is about engineering, people – and you don’t need to have twenty of them. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: wear the $10 t-shirt, but buy the $110 bra… that’s a lot of monies, I know, but worth every penny. They’re called foundation garments for a reason – everything on top looks better, I swear. And unlike some other goods for sale in the world, the more the bra costs really is indicative of how much better the bra is. Yes.
Go get rid of your hobo-wear. It’s not chic – it’s embarrassing. Plus, your mother would kill you if she could see them…
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Di fronte a questi venti di “fascistizzazione” penso proprio di si. …..Vi aspetta un brutto periodo.
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Youre good to get the matching kinds – thats so civilised! I seldom do because when I buy a bra, it seems to cost a small fortune all by itself, and then they want to sell me the panty that goes with it for $65 or something ridiculous like that. (Um, no – show me the 3 for $20 table, please!) Since I buy mostly black items anyway, I just go for black lacy panties that go with the bras I own – and I dont feel like a lingerie disaster when I get dressed (or undressed…) but I do wish I could find a great leopard set – I purrrr for the right kind of leopard print. (Saw one in a BEAUTIFUL greyish-brown a while ago, but they didnt have it in my size. Suck.)
Kudos to you for ditching the last of your nursing bras! Getting the girls to stand at attention REALLY DOES do wonders, doesnt it?! Awesome. Thanks for reading, Nakenya!
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I love this blog. I dumped my hobo underwater about 6 months ago. I fiinal dumped my last breast feeding bra during the summer. I am not sue why I was holding on to it considering that my son is three. And I am definitely not having any more kids. I bought a lot of matching sets. The girls are standing at attention. The proper fitting bra can make a hugh difference in how your clothes look.
I even bought leopard print. I feel sexy when I wear them, even though know one else knows that i have them on. LOL.
And yes Alice I have those special underwear for that time of the month.
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Purge away! And then head to a La Senza or someplace like that, where they have all kinds of 3/$18 deals on adorable undies… youll smile more, youll see! 😉
thank you
Dude, I hear you. Off to purge hobo undies.
*sobs with you* Gapey bras? Oh, BALLS! Yes, go get. And youll look and feel better once youre all, um… reined in, again. *ahem* As for those time-of-the-month under things, nearly all my stuff is black, so… no harm, and not foul. The seem to wash up pretty well. Thats a joy to me!!
True story. I just threw out a fistful of little socklets today, and did an undies purge recently. I still have a few I don’t love that are only for the gym and those particular days when you know you may well destroy whatever you put on, if you know what I mean. (we all have that time of the month undies, don’t we? not just me?)
I need to find a couple of new braws, too, because I’ve had a size change, and a few of mine are getting a little… gapey. *sob*
Yes, DRIVE SAFELY, Julie… dont get caught with hobo undies. And I never buy stuff from Victorias Secret – I think because theres no store near me – but I hear the seamless ones youre talking about are awesome. I should order online, maybe…
ive given up on thongs as ive aged…i found “problems” down there after wearing them so i converted to boy shorts from V.S. theyre laser cut and seamless and no V.P.L.s which is great.
i am wearing hobo undies right now but i cant get to V.S. until next week and i have to wait! gah! but on the bright side i am staying very safe so i dont get into any accidents! 🙂
Restoring dignity, one tanga at a time… 😉
brilliant advice. you’re so right. if an 8$ thong will restore your dignity, it’s worth the purchase.