My kids are home for March Break this week, so on Sunday we made the 3.5 hour drive to visit Martin’s parents in deep cottage country for a few days.
During the drive as the children slept, and Martin and I enjoyed some silence in the car, I felt a bit weird. Not sick or anything… just very… still. I’m not sure I’ve been so still in a very long time. Being a passenger, I had nothing to do but look out the windows and watch the endless forest whip past me in the cold sunshine. I had time to think about some things. Uncomfortable things I often push to the outside corners of my mind.
The kinds of things that make me cry.
And so I did. Weirdly, I just had tears rolling out of the corners of my eyes, and I kept wiping them out from under my sunglasses. Martin was alarmed, but I assured him I was just… having thoughts.
Sarah wrote about her feelings on loss-of-friendships a little while back, and I’ve been driving some similar thoughts out of my brain for a months… but all things surface eventually.
I have a friend in particular who is making me feel kind of… fired. The thing is, I have lots of friends. My desire for company or affection is easily filled. What I had time to contemplate was that this feeling is reminiscent of one I had about 20 years ago, when I was one of a foursome of friends who spent all of our time together, as high school/university aged girls are wont to do. We were actually two pairs of friends hanging out.
But one day I felt like I’d been dropped by my particular friend – by the one that made me part of a pair. It was a natural drifting… but instigated by her – not me. Sure it made me a bit sad, but I reasoned if she didn’t want me, then I didn’t want her either. (Or, that’s what I tried to make myself believe.) Her relationship with the other pair never wavered though. Those three remain close friends to this day.
I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t pinch just a little bit.
Fast forward to today, where I feel happy in my life and genuine in the richness of my friendships and the people around me, this feeling of being dismissed by this current friend with whom I’ve been friends for over 10 years, who is now hardly in my life at all… well, it pinches in the very same way.
Life circumstances change the face of a friendship sometimes – like a new job, or a new boyfriend, or a new baby. But when you consider someone to be a “lifetime” friend, who seems to drop you… it makes me wonder if my friendship isn’t worth holding onto. It makes me wonder if it’s something about me. Or if I’m not worth holding onto.
Which opens up a whole whack of emotions I have around inclusiveness, which leads to issues I have about self-worth, which is a very hard thing to measure, and even harder to examine up-close… it’s far easier to push these feelings aside and just press on.
But then one day on a long, quiet drive, these things come bubbling to the surface with speed and wicked force, and before you know it, you’re bawling for no apparent reason, and you feel foolish and childish, and you just want to dry up and knock it off already, only the feelings linger and threaten to ruin your whole trip.
Heap on top that I’m PMS-y AND that I missed the Oscars for the first time in as long as I can remember AND that I didn’t get enough bacon with my breakfast, and I tell you, it only made my ridiculous grief seem way, waaaaaaay worse.
Friendships come and go. They ebb and they flow. It’s okay, really. Though no one likes to feel dismissed, I’m recognising that this has nothing to do with my friends, and everything to do with how I feel about myself. It’s like a Turducken of feelings. I’m still getting to the chewy-centre of my feelings on all this stuff – self-examination is tricky business.
But for now, my kids are home and they need my attention. I need to amuse them with some activities and things, so I can have one less thing to feel like a failure about. I really don’t need to add any of those feelings into this shame-spiral. Oy.
I’m not depressed. It’s just not-close-enough to the end of winter yet, and I’m… feeling things.
Indeed – meat inside of meat, inside of meat? The only thing missing is bacon. 😉
TURDUCKEN
I LOVE THIS ABSURDITY
nothing else matters. just turducken.
I guess if I don’t see you in the ‘hood, then I’ll see you on FB soon then, lady!! (Thanks for reading…)
OK, the 3 of us (Jen & tracey) would either be the 3 musketeers or would chop each other up with rusty dull steakknives in 6 months!
Tracey I was just moaning about an ex friend today again – this after she broke up with me a year ago!!! Yes, i miss the friendship but more than that, I wonder constantly what was so wrong with me that she needed to block me on FB etc…really, I often wonder if I slept with her husband and then accidentally forgot about it – that at least would make sense. Because the alternative is that I am completely unfriend -worthy…I mean I have a lot of friends, but only a few very close ones (and those are the ones I thrive on, not so much the acquaintances ). Like Jen, I tend to give all of myself, happily. I am an *enthusiastic* friend and have realized that my personality demands a strong personality in return, otherwise I am prone to smother people with um, enthusiasm!
That said, you are ALL invited to come hang out in Montreal with me – drink sangria and eat poutine – and become BFF’s. I am totally into: cryptic inside jokes, road trips, frequent Starbuck stops, shopping, constant email, text, twitter & FB communications!!! Interested???
Your mellow isn’t harsh.
Just wanted you to know that the swzzz…etc. was added by Sophie. I tried to type that but she continued to bang the keyboard in her “Get off the effing computer Mom…” way.
And, I think that sometimes we it does take a long time to learn the lesson. C’est la Vie, no?
Okay, so we’re all due to have 13 glasses of wine or more in May… I’m all over it for the win, by the way…
I think what I hate most is feeling all angsty about this in the first place – it’s unlike me (not that I’m some soul-less troll) but it’s the combo of this all feeling very deja vu… there’s a lesson in here someplace I haven’t learned yet. Until I do, this will be back to bite me.
I need to un-harsh my mellow. Please pass the wine?
Tracey,
I have felt the exact same way, that it’s something I’ve done, even when I know that’s not it. And, when I know that is it. It’s hard to maintain friendships sometimes. For a long time I was in a place where I felt that every thing was my fault….and, thankfully, that has changed.
Jen – I’m the same way. Very trusting, immediately. Often that works out, sometimes, not so much.
I’m very interested in what Sara posted and I would love to discuss it with both of you over 13 glasses of wine (I win! heh, hah, hee). Montreal, May 2011 girls!
Also, the sitting alone part. I have that every day and my mind goes wild, maybe that’s my problem, can’t ignore things when I’m alone!
And the last line, don’t we all need to be able to share how we are feeling? I hate the expression “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”. Not true. Friends are there to commiserate with you. Laugh with you. And cry with you.
Someone said to me recently, “We are all the same. We have the same problems. We just need to listen and understand one another.”
Hugs!swzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhyyyf hy(added by sphiewsqa
Turducken. Yes. Uch.
I HATE where the pain is… but it is necessary to get to the heart of it before it turns to cancer, right?
You sound like a woman who’s had some sleep…?
Oh Sara, I know EXACTLY what you mean! And I didn’t explain some things properly – it would have made this post the LONGEST post EVER… but I know I didn’t do any one thing wrong – I have some idea(s) of why things are different between us (and I’m sure there are some I’m completely unaware of) but I think more than anything, it was the bad feelings from long ago feeling just like this fresh scenario that stings, and it feels like yesterday, and I feel 18 years old again… it’s kinda pathetic. And kinda normal. And just… uch. I just want the warm weather back so I can stop feeling all chilly and annoyed all the time. That will help, I think.
And yes, let’s have TWELVE glasses of wine. Soon! I’ve been practising for the occasion… heh.
PS – I think you’re pretty awesome too, woman.
I’m glad I’m not alone, Racheal – thanks so much!
Julie, we really are our own worst critics, aren’t we? *exhales* We should all sit quietly more often. I certainly should. I hate when I don’t feel clearheaded, don’t you? Uch. Spring is nigh…
I miss you too, Joce! The early-childhood years can be taxing on friendships… but the love lasts, I hope. In this case it does! I hope to see you soooooooon!! 😉
I could have written that last sentence exactly. Good for you for going there, to where the pain is, though and feeling it and processing it and learning about yourself as you go.
You had me at “Turducken of feelings.” 🙂
I had a sense you were up to some deep thinking this week…I’ve missed you! You’ve been quiet! This is a beautiful post and I agree with Julie. We don’t take enough time to sit quietly anymore and just think.
I took an interesting course about communicating with people and recognizing different personalities and how best to communicate with them. It was for work but I’ve used in my personal life far more. One thing that has stuck with me – I hope I articulate this right – is that most people’s actions whether they know it or not – are driven for personal reasons. Things about themselves. So instead of thinking ‘she’s pulling away from me what have I done wrong.’ She’s likely doing it for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Do you know what I mean? I have a difficult relationship with a family member. And since I’ve realized that I’m treated the way I am because of issues this person is having with themselves and that they likely don’t give the way they treat me a second thought…I feel much better about it. This sounds harsher than it is…but one day I’ll explain it to you better over a glass of wine or twelve.
I think you’re kickass awesome FYI!
Beautiful post, Tracey. It encompasses what so many of us feel from time to time.
i think what you did (sitting quietly) is what is lacking with most of us. there is no quiet us time any more. we have forgotten how to ponder, i believe.
stay honest and clearheaded. i think we have all been there in your shoes (although you have tiny feet and great boots). we’re our own harshest critics sometimes! 🙂
T
You are beautiful and perfect just as you are! I am honored to know you and call you my friend…even if we haven’t seen each other in soooo long! ;-(
Miss you lots, and think the world of you.
You rock sista! xoxoxo
Jen, YES!! And I didn’t really touch on my own roles in these friendships being lost – that’s a whoooooole other part of it. I didn’t intend to sound so victim-y. It always takes two to tango, or un-tango. You have to be a good friend as well… there are so, SO many factors that are at play… and the thing is, I’m pretty sure oftentimes when things go a bit awry, they may have nothing at all to do with me… or that maybe the other person is feeling things I’m completely unaware of. Complicated. Messy.
It’s all interesting and somewhat cathartic. Maybe it IS about “FORTY” looming – my turn is in November. Maybe it’s just been a long time since I’ve considered some of these things and I’m just due for the inner-asskicking.
But indeed, kinder is better. I’m working on it. Thanks for the kind words, lady. 🙂
I totally hear you, Tracey. I have failed miserably at a few friendships and, over time, I have spent many hours avoiding the “whys”. However, as I approach 40 (in 3 weeks) I am spending more and more time looking at these relationships objectively and seeing a) the role I played and b) the problems that existed far before the friendship fell apart. I tend to get very close to people very quickly. I can’t seem to be anything but my whole self and, although that is fabulous a lot of the time, with some relationships it doesn’t give them enough time to see whether we are actually compatible as besties.
I have been taking a close look at myself, my expectations of myself, my friends, and my friendships and making a conscious effort to be honest, especially with myself. I also turn to those I truly trust for advice on new relationships with friends as, what I have realized is that I am not always the best judge (I tend to see only good things in everyone…great but…) and I ignore those early signs that things might not be good for ME in the long run.
As I do this, I learn a lot about myself and I accept who I am. THAT has been a long time coming. It also allows me to be totally honest about my faults and work on bettering myself and also taking responsibility (and apologizing when necessary). This has been surprisingly liberating and has really helped me be a better friend, have better friendships and amazingly to feel better about who I am in the process!
Don’t be too hard on yourself but try and be as honest with yourself as possible. It is great therapy.
xo