There are so many critical learning opportunities my kids get from playing sports. This week was the beginning of track season and we have been dealing with one of my son’s greatest challenges – performance anxiety. My son experiences anxiety around competition. Expectations are high and he puts a lot of pressure on himself. In fact, in the early days, he was almost paralyzed by panic. It is not as bad with team sports because there are a bunch of his pals sharing the burden and feeling his pain. But anxiety and pressure are issues in individual sports and, although he is a good overall athlete, where he really excels is as a runner. He has finished top 10 in the city of Toronto in Cross Country and last year came 5th in the city in the 1500m and 8th in the 800m in track and field.
However, despite his past achievements, every race it is the same thing. Starting at the beginning of the season there are comments made about the pressure he feels. What if he isn’t as good this year? What if he lets everyone down? The 24 hours leading up to a race are nothing short of painful. There are some tears and very little sleep. And there is a lot of talking and snuggling.
One thing I want to make very clear is that the #1 message we give our son is this: “If you don’t want to race, you don’t have to. Mommy and Daddy love you no matter what.” And, because it is true, he answers rolling his eyes: “I know that! It’s not you guys. I do want to race but what if I let everyone down?” Ahhh, the wonder of irrational thinking. No matter how many times we go over the “worst case scenario” drill where he sees that the world won’t fall apart if he doesn’t run well it is the same. This is the downside of being good at something. Nobody says, “Wow! You came in 30th!” when you are usually #1.
What he is starting to realize, however, is that he is not alone. He is starting to see that most of his competitive peers also feel stressed and that, in many ways, being invested in something enough that you really care is what pushes you to excel. But, there is a fine line between healthy performance anxiety and a paralyzing panic attack. I know because I have seen both sides.
So, in recognition of every young athlete, I am going to write about this as Life Lesson #1: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger. I know some parents would be horrified to hear that my then 8 year-old son had a panic attack at the cross country city finals so debilitating that he not only missed the start of the race but also cried until his head was throbbing and nearly hyperventilated. BUT he still ran the race. He started late and finished in the 20s (which, btw, is still pretty darn good) but he finished it.
Why didn’t we just pull him out and take him home? Listen up:
- He wanted to run. We knew, and he knew, that once he calmed down he would be very disappointed if he didn’t.
- Avoidance is NOT a strategy. Not only will the fear fester and grow but the only way to conquer your fear is to face it.
- He needed to finish what he started. He had made a commitment. If he didn’t ever want to run again in the future, fine, but he had to see it through.
Sound harsh? Maybe but think about what he took away from this experience.
- I am capable.
- I didn’t have the best race and everything was still fine. People care about me, not how I perform.
- I can face and overcome my fears. I am in control.
- I am dependable.
So, four years into competitive running and we have come a long way.
- We have learned how to best support him. Instead of engaging in discussions and posing questions we simply listen and comfort him. This is his problem so we can support him but he needs to work through it on his own.
- The anxiety has lessened. Yes, he still gets stressed and nervous but it is not nearly as intense or long-lasting. In fact, at this week’s track meet he was very calm by the time his race was marshaled.
- He has the tools to face his fears. By learning these lessons as a child he has the comfort of a soft place to land. If kids never face their fears and learn how to cope, how will they ever be able to do it as adults on their own out in the world?
The Your Biggest Fan Blog Series is sponsored by Chevrolet. All content is true, based on Jen’s personal experience.